McMullen 
"Wives  to  Burn 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 
THE  UNIVERSITY 

OF  CALIFORNIA 
LOS  ANGELES 


J.  C.  McMULLEN 


WIVES  TO  BURN 


BAKER'S  ROYALTY  PLAYS 


Walter  H.  Baker  Company,  Boston 
I'  " 


A  Fare* 
thrills.  6r 
One  easy  : 
play  by  th 
a  hit  as  th 
to  rehears* 
every  mini 
are  not  an> 
bats,  spide 
plenty  of  < 
"Cramp" 
"Gram"  w 
market  are 
of  hundred 
calling  for 
much  aprx 
moves  all  E 
yes,  we  mu 
all  the  troi 
is  .  .  .  .  • 
audiences  t 
them  OH, 


Oh,  Kay! 

By  Adam  Applebud 


THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

GIFT 

DR.  GEORGE  SAVAGE 


The  entii 
the  Whitma 
A  few  mil 
Acts  II  and  III  are  continuous. ~" 

ROYALTY  ONLY  TEN  DOLLARS 

Each  Amateur  Performance 

Books   Thirty-Five  Cents  Each 


WALTER  H.  BAKER  COMPANY 

Winter  Street,  Boston,  Mass. 


WIVES  TO  BURN 

A  Play  in  Three  Acts 


By 
J.  C.  McMULLEN 

Author  of  "When  a  Feller  Needs  a  Friend,"  "Turning  the 
Trick,"  "The  Boob,"  "Deal  'Em  Over,"  etc. 


The  professional  and  moving  picture  rights  in  this 
play  are  strictly  reserved  and  application  for  the 
right  to  produce  it  should  therefore  be  made  to  the 
publishers  of  this  book.  Amateurs  may  obtain  per 
mission  to  produce  it  privately  upon  payment  of  a 
fee  of  ten  dollars  ($10.00)  for  each  performance, 
payable  in  advance.  All  payments  and  correspond 
ence  should  be  addressed  to  Walter  H.  Baker  Com 
pany,  41  Winter  Street,  Boston,  Mass. 


BOSTON 

WALTER  H.  BAKER  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 


7>S 


Wives  to  Burn 


CHARACTERS 


BERT  PARKER,  a  bank  clerk. 

DICK 

RICH 

STEVE 


DICK  GIRARD     )     hif  friends 
RICH  DOUGLAS 


TACK     (    ranch  hands. 

DANIEL  EASTON,  "from  Turkey" 

INSPECTOR  CLANCY,  of  Central  Station. 

MAYME  CLIFFORD,  a  cafeteria  cashier. 

POLLY  PALMER  )      ^  ^lg  «  mov.[es  » 

BETTY  KING      ) 

AUNT  HETTY  BINGLE,  the  boarding-house  keeper. 

GERT,  her  "  hired  girl." 

TIME.     The  present. 
SCENE.     Los  Angeles,  Cal. 

ACT  I.     Living-room  at  Miss  Bingle's,  7:00  P.  M. 
ACT  II.     The  same,  7 145  p.  M. 
ACT  III.    The  same,  8:30  P.  M. 


COPYRIGHT,  1921,  BY  J.  C.  MCMULLEN 

Made  in  U.  S.  A. 
All  rights  reserved 


ROYALTY  NOTICE 

Especial  notice  should  be  taken 
that  the  possession  of  this  book 
without  a  valid  contract  for  produc 
tion  first  having  been  obtained  from 
the  publishers,  confers  no  right  or 
license  to  professionals  or  amateurs 
to  produce  the  play  publicly  or  in 
private  for  gain  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is 
dedicated  to  the  reading  public  only, 
and  no  performance,  representation,  production,  rec 
itation,  or  public  reading  may  be  given  except  by 
special  arrangement  with  WALTER  H.  BAKER  COM 
PANY,  41  Winter  Street,  Boston,  Mass. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  pay 
ment  of  a  royalty  of  Ten  Dollars  for  each  per 
formance,  payable  to  WALTER  H.  BAKER  COMPANY, 
41  Winter  Street,  Boston,  Mass.,  one  week  before  the 
date  on  which  the  play  is  given. 

Whenever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice 
must  appear  on  all  programs,  printing  and  advertis 
ing  for  the  play:  ''Produced  by  special  arrangement 
with  Walter  H.  Baker  Company  of  Boston,  Mass." 

Attention  is  called  to  the  penalty  provided  by  law 
for  any  infringement  of  the  author's  rights,  as  fol 
lows: 

"  Sec.  4966: — Any  person  publicly  performing  or 
representing  any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for 
which  copyright  has  been  obtained,  without  the  con 
sent  of  the  proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or  musical 
composition,  or  his  heirs  and  assigns,  shall  be  liable 
for  damages  therefor,  such  damages  in  all  cases  to  be 
assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less  than  one  hundred  dol 
lars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for  every  subse 
quent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear  to  be 
just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representa 
tion  be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons 
shall  be  guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  convic 
tion  shall  be  imprisoned  for  a  period  not  exceeding 
one  year." — TL  S.  REVISED  STATUTES,  Title  60,  Chap. 


1109189 


DIRECTIONS  FOR  SCENERY 

Action  of  play  is  continuous.  Diagram  of  stage  set 
ting  given  below.  Can  be  made  more  elaborate  if  de 
sired.  'Phone  on  table.  Curtains  over  window  arranged 
in  such  a  way  that  person  can  easily  stand  behind  them 
unseen  from  others  on  stage.  Mirror  on  wall  between 
c.  D.  and  stairs.  Man  playing  Inspector  can  double  for 
negro  woman  if  desired,  the  latter  not  having  a  speaking 
part.  Pieces  of  wood  can  be  painted  to  give  the  appear 
ance  of  iron  and  used  by  Polly  in  last  act,  instead  of  the 
real  article. 


P/ning  Room 


COSTUMES  AND  CHARACTERISTICS 

BERT,  DICK  and  RICH.  Young  men  of  twenty-four 
or  twenty-five.  Business  suit  throughout  play. 

STEVE.  Young  man  of  twenty-four.  Full  Turkish 
costume.  Overcoat  for  last  act. 

JACK.  Young  man  of  twenty-one.  Harem  costume 
for  Turkish  woman,  with  face  veil.  Long  overcoat  for 
last  act. 

DANIEL.     A  man  in  the  fifties.     Business  suit. 

INSPECTOR.  A  man  of  thirty-five  or  forty.  Business 
suit. 

MAYME.  A  slangy  girl  of  about  twenty-five,  dressed 
in  the  extreme  of  style.  Should  be  played  forcefully,  as 
she  practically  dominates  the  other  characters. 

POLLY  and  BETTY.  Girls  of  twenty-two  or  twenty- 
three.  Ordinary  street  dress  and  hat.  Large  dress  for 
Polly  to  make  up  as  fat  woman  in  ACT  III. 

AUNT  HETTY.  Precise  old  maid  in  the  forties. 
Wears  nose  glasses.  In  last  act  changes  to  wedding 
dress  of  style  twenty-five  years  previous  to  play. 

GERT.  English  "  slavey  "  type.  Dress  should  not  be 
exaggerated  to  make  the  part  ridiculous.  In  last  act 
changes  to  neat  house  dress. 

NEGRO  WOMAN.  A  large  negro  woman,  dressed  in 
gay  colors,  with  heavy  face  veil. 


Wives  to  Burn 


ACT   I 
SCENE. — Living-room,  Miss  SINGLE'S  boarding-house. 

(BERT  enters  from  dining-room.  Closes  door  very 
carefully  behind  him  and  stands  at  door  a  moment 
listening.  Crosses  to  door  c.,  and  looks  out  into 
hall.  Then  to  foot  of  stairs  and  pauses  a  moment. 
Then  goes  to  'phone,  table  R.) 

BERT.  Wilshire  4324 Speak  to  Miss  Palmer, 

please Oh,  hello!  That  you,  Polly? 

Um-hum.  Yes.  It's  me  all  right Yes 

Where  were  you  last  night?  (MAYME  enters  from  din 
ing-room;  goes  to  mirror  back,  fixes  hair,  etc.}  Oh,  you 

were? What  did  he  say? He  did?  What 

did  you  say? You  did?  Then  what  did 

MAYME  (comes  forward).  Snap  out  of  it!  Snap 
out  of  it ! 

BERT  (savagely,  to  MAYME).  Shut  up!  (In  'phone, 
very  sweetly).  Oh,  no,  no,  no.  Not  you,  dear.  I 
wouldn't  tell  you  to  shut  up.  Now  what  were  you  say 
ing? Oh,  you  did?  Well,  what  do  you  know 

about  that? The  idea! Well,  what  do 

you  think  of  that?  Then  what  did  Honey  do? 
(MAYME  shows  disgust.)  Is  that  so!  Then  what  did 
dearie  do? 

MAYME  (grabs  'phone  and  hangs  up  receiver).  Aw! 
Step  on  it !  Step  on  it !  What  do  you  think  I  am  ? 
Don't  you  suppose  I  get  enough  of  that  soft  mush  all  day 


8  WIVES    TO    BURN 

from  old  bald-headed  guys  as  don't  know  no  bett- 
without  comin'  home  to  me  little  old  boarding-house  a 
listen  to  a  love-sick  gink  spout  (Imitates  BERT.)  "  C 
You  did?  Well,  what  do  you  know  about  that?  Th 
what  did  Honey  do?  Oh  you  did?"  If  that  isn't  t 
bunk,  I  don't  know  what  is. 

BERT.  That  was  a  mean  trick,  Mayme  Cliffoi 
What  will  Polly  think  of  me  ? 

(RiCH  enters  and  stands  c.  D.) 

MAYME.     I  don't  give  a  whoop  what  she  thinks. 
you  want  to  gab,  gab,  gab  to  her  all  the  time,  hire  a  ha 

(DiCK  appears  c.  D.) 

RICH  (enters  with  package,  followed  by  DICK 
What's  the  row? 

MAYME.  Oh  that  (Points  to  BERT.)  was  having  h 
usual  evening  gab-fest  with  his  lady-love  and  I  guess 
queered  it. 

DICK  (coming  forward).  If  you  want  to  talk  to  h< 
all  the  time  why  don't  you  marry  her? 

RICH.  I  should  say  so.  If  you  are  not  talking  i 
her  you  are  talking  about  her. 

(Goes  to  phonograph,  opens  package  and  places  recor 
on  machine.) 

BERT.     You  make  me  sick,  the  whole  bunch  of  you. 

[Exits  by  stair. 

MAYME  (looking  after  him).  How  do  they  get  th; 
way? 

RICH  (goes  to  kitchen  and  dining-room  door,  peep 
out,  then  back  to  phonograph).  I  guess  the  old  lady  i 
too  busy;  she  won't  notice  us.  (Starts  phonograph. 
Now  listen.  (Keeps  time  with  music  for  a  moment. 
Isn't  that  a  pippin?  Come  on,  Mayme. 

(They  start  dancing.} 

GERT  (sticks  head  in  dining-room  door).  Douse  th< 
honky-tonk  and  be  quick.  The  grouch's  comin'. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  £ 

(Withdraws  head.  RICH  quickly  stops  phonograph 
and  seats  himself  on  divan,  in  line  with  dining-room 
door,  and  picks  up  newspaper.  DICK  sits  other  end 
of  divan,  MAYME  at  table.) 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen  and  looks  suspiciously 
from  one  to  the  other.  Goes  to  phonograph,  takes  rec 
ord  from  machine  and  reads  label).  "The  Sque-bibble 
Blues !  "  How  often  have  I  told  you  young  people  I  will 
lot  have  such  trash  in  my  house?  A  nice  piece  of 
nusic  to  be  played  in  the  home  of  the  President  of  the 
(Local.)  Uplift  Society.  (Breaks  record.)  There,  Miss 
Clifford!  (Hands  her  record.)  Now  don't  let  this  oc- 
:ur  again. 

MAYME.  Why  pick  on  me?  I  ain't  the  only  one  in 
he  room. 

AUNT.  I  know  it  was  you,  young  lady,  don't  deny  it. 
[Exits  to  kitchen  with  head  up. 

MAYME  (rising,  as  RICH  and  DICK  drop  their  news- 
Capers).  Could  yuh  beat  it!  I  wonder  why  she  always 
icks  on  me? 

RICH.     You  should  worry !     I  paid  for  the  record. 

(GERT  stands  fust  outside  dining-room  door.) 
MAYME.     All  right,  take  it  then. 

(Throws  record  toward  him.  RICH  ducks  and  record 
strikes  GERT,  who  is  fust  opening  door,  causing  her 
to  drop  bozvl  of  flowers  she  has  in  her  hands.) 

GERT  (startled).    'Oo  the  blue  blazes  throwed  that? 

MAYME    (as    though    shocked).    Why,    Gert!    You 

ustn't  use  slang. 

RICH.     The  President  of  the  Uplift  Society  will  get 

)U  if  you  don't  watch  out. 

GERT   (indignantly).     Hin  Hi  walks,  mindin'  of  me 

vn  business  and  Hi  gets  that.     (Points  to  broken  rec- 

d.)     Hi'm  liable  tc  git  me  walkin'  papers  fer  it,  Hi 

i.     (Gathers  up  wreckage.) 

MAYME  (helping  her).     I'm  sorry,  Gert,  and  if  the  old 

essian  says  anything  to  you,  I'll  stand  by  you. 


10  WIVES    TO    BURN 

GERT.  Hall  right.  'Ere  goes.  (Starts  toward  kitcher 
door.  Turns  at  door.)  Now  mind!  Hif  Hi  catches  it 
you  'as  to  'elp  me  hout.  [Exits  kitchen 

(Voices  heard  outside,  as  MAYME,  RICH  and  DICE 
line  up  at  kitchen  door  to  listen.) 

AUNT  (off  stage).     Clumsy  ox!     How  did  it  happen: 

GERT  (off  stage).     Me  foot  tripped  and 

AUNT    (off  stage).     Watch  your   feet  after  this.     I 
shall  take  the  price  of  the  broken  bowl  from  your  wages. 
RICH.     She  was  on  the  job  all  right. 

[They  resume  seats  as  BERT  enters  stairs.) 

BERT  (goes  to  table  and  sorts  over  letters).  Anybody 
seen  a  letter  for  me? 

DICK.     I  haven't. 

RICH.     Me  either ;  why  ? 

BERT.  I  have  been  expecting  one  for  the  last  three 
months  that  has  never  arrived. 

(Looks  over  other  articles  on  table.) 

MAYME.     Ain't  seein'  her  once  a  day  enough  for  yuh  ? 

BERT.  This  isn't  a  "  her."  It's  from  a  "  him,"  my 
Uncle  Dan. 

MAYME.     A  real  live  uncle  and  a-writin'  to  yuh? 

BERT.     Yes. 

MAYME.     Aunt  Het's  brother? 

BERT.  No;  Aunt  Hetty  is  only  my  father's  stepsis 
ter.  Uncle  Dan  is  my  mother's  brother.  He  has  been 
in  Turkey  for  the  past  twenty-five  years  or  so,  running 
some  kind  of  a  mining  concession,  so  I  understand. 
Ever  since  Mother  died  he  has  been  sending  me  fifty  dol 
lars  a  month.  Three  months  ago  the  checks  stopped  and 
I've  been  wondering  what's  the  matter. 

MAYME.  He  ain't  a  uncle,  he's  a  angel.  Talk  about 
luck!  Nothin'  like  that  ever  walks  down  the  street  to 
meet  me,  I'll  tell  the  world.  Here's  a  guy  as  has  a  aunt, 
as  thinks  he's  a  little  angel  on  a  tin  horse  and  won't  take 


WIVES    TO    BURN  II 

no  board  money  offen  him  and  now  he  has  a  uncle  as 
sends  him  fifty  dollars  a  month  without  even  askin'  for 
it.  Ain't  some  people  born  with  silver  spoons  in  their 
mouth?  Ain't  they,  though? 

BERT.  Saturday  is  Polly's  birthday  and  I  wanted  that 
fifty  to  apply  on  the  prettiest  diamond  ring  in  Los  An 
geles  for  the  prettiest  girl  in  the  state  of  California. 
(All  groan  and  turn  away  from  him.')  Well,  she  is,  I 
tell  you ! 

MAYME.  Put  on  the  clutch!  Put  on  the  clutch! 
Don't  you  suppose  we  ever  get  tired  hearin'  you  spout 
about  that  girl? 

DICK.  I  should  say  so.  (Imitates  BERT.)  Oh! 
She's  a  wonderful  girl !  Those  eyes 

RICH.     And  those  hair. 

MAYME.     And  those  nose.     (AH  sigh  together.) 

BERT  (laughing).     Old  stuff! 

DICK.     Where  did  you  meet  her,  Bert? 

BERT.  She  came  into  the  bank  one  day,  asking  for 
some  information  concerning  a  check,  and  we  got  to  talk 
ing.  You  know  she's  the  most  entertaining  girl. 

RICH.     Oh,  no  doubt  in  the  world ! 

BERT.  She  is,  I  tell  you !  She's  got  a  lot  of  pluck, 
too.  Her  mother  was  a  widow  on  a  little  dinkey  farm 
back  in  Ohio.  She  died  over  a  year  ago  and  left  Polly 
with  about  $500  and  a  brother  somewhere  in  California 
who  hadn't  written  home  for  over  two  years.  Polly 
started  out  with  her  $500  to  hunt  her  brother.  She 
came  into  the  bank  to  attend  to  a  little  business,  I  met 
her,  and  there  you  are. 

RICH.     Has  she  found  this  long-lost  brother? 

BERT.  Not  yet,  but  she  will.  She  thinks  he  is  in  or 
around  Los  Angeles  and  is  working  as  an  extra  at  the 
Prince  Picture  Studio  while  she  looks  around. 

DICK.  Why  don't  you  take  us  around  to  see  her  some 
time? 

BERT.     Not  on  your  life. 

DICK.     Why? 

BERT.  Because  if  I  did  you  would  be  sure  to  queer 
me. 


12  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME.  Oh  Mama!  I  suppose  we  ain't  refine< 
enough  for  the  little  dear. 

BERT.  N-n-no,  it  isn't  that  exactly,  but,  well,  she': 
different. 

RICH.     Sure!    Every  fellow's  girl  is  different. 

BERT.     This  one  is.     She  doesn't  dance 

MAYME.  Oi  yoi,  oi  yoi,  oi  yoi !  Bert,  the  prize  shim- 
mie  shaker,  goin'  with  a  dame  as  don't  dance.  Shades 
of  my  sainted  grandmother!  Kin  yuh  imagine  it? 

BERT  (quickly).  There!  That's  it!  Polly  is  not  ac 
customed  to  that  kind  of  English. 

DICK.     Oh,  I  see.    And  she  doesn't  dance? 

BERT.  No,  and  when  she  didn't,  I  naturally  told  her 
I  didn't  either. 

RICH.  Sweet  spirits  of  nitre !  How  do  you  ever  ex 
pect  to  get  away  with  a  thing  like  that  ? 

BERT.  I  can  get  away  with  anything  if  I  watch  my 
step,  and  that's  just  the  reason  I  have  never  given  any  of 
you  a  chance  to  meet  her.  If  you  talked  with  her  you 
would  be  sure  to  spill  something  and  then 

(Shrugs  shoulders  expressively.) 

RICH.  Not  if  she's  the  kind  of  a  girl  you've  been  tell 
ing  us  about.  A  girl  that  is  so  good  and  so  noble  and  so 
high-minded (Looks  around.)  Did  I  miss  any 
thing? 

MAYME.     And  loyal. 

RICH.  And  loyal  as  Polly  is,  wouldn't  throw  you 
down  simply  because  she  found  out  you  danced  a  little. 

DICK.     And  smoked. 

MAYME.     And  run  around  at  night. 

RICH.     And  take  a  little  nip — when  you  can  get  it. 

BERT  (angrily).  You're  a  bunch  of  knockers!  You 
make  me  tired.  [Exits  on  stairs. 

DICK.     Gentle  disposition. 

(Picks  up  paper  from  divan  and  starts  to  read.) 

MAYME.  I'll  say  he  has.  (Goes  to  DICK.)  Gimme 
half. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  13 

shares  paper  with  her  and  she  sits  near  table  R.) 

DICK.     Listen  to  this,  will  you?     (Reads.}     "During 
he  Nurses'  Annual  Ball  at  the  County  Hospital  last  night 
wo  of  the  inmates  of  the  quarantined  ward  escaped  and 
re  still  at  large.     They  will  no  doubt  be  captured  soon, 
s  they  were  dressed  in  masquerade  costumes  purloined 
.rom  the  dressing-room." 
RICH.     Nothing  to  get  excited  over  in  that. 
DICK.     Not  if  they  got  enough  costume,  but  if  they 

appened  to  pick  one  for  a  Salome  dancer 

MAYME.  Here's  something  that's  got  that  beat.  Lis- 
m  at  it:  (Reads.}  "  The  will  of  Lydia  Prudence  Per- 
ins,  the  world's  champion  fat  woman,  who  tipped  the 
:ales  at  615  pounds,  was  found  this  morning." 
RICH.  Gee !  Lydia  was  all  there  when  it  come  to 
:ze.  Wasn't  she? 

MAYME  (reading).     "It  was  feared  for  a  while  that 

o   will   had  been   made   and  that  her  entire    fortune, 

mounting  to  $400,000,  would  revert  to  the  State.    When 

ic  will  was  read  a  forgotten  tragedy  in  her  life  was  un- 

irthed,  which  will  be  the  means  of  benefiting  some  one 

f  Los  Angeles'  numerous  young  men.     At  the  age  of 

,venty-five  Miss  Perkins  was  engaged  to  be  married  to 

young  man,  who,  almost  at  the  altar,  jilted  her  and 

'oped  with  her  bridesmaid,  because,  as  he  stated,  his 

tended  wife  was  too  fat,  Miss  Perkins  even  then  weigh- 

g  in  the  neighborhood  of  three  hundred  pounds.     This 

nbittered  the  young  lady's  life  and  she  vowed  never  to 

any.     She  later  entered  the  show  business  and  pros- 

:red.     When  she  knew  death  was  coming  on  she  had  a 

nvass  made  of  all  the  young  men  of  the  city  whose 

ime  began  with  the  same  letter  as  hers,  P,  and  of  the 

•e  of  twenty-five,  her  age  when  jilted,  and  a  drawing  is 

take  place  to  decide  which  of  the  young  men  is  to  be 

r  heir.     The  only  stipulation  is  that  he  must  marry 

thin  the  week  of  her  death,  a  woman  weighing  not  less 

an  three  hundred  pounds.     Miss  Perkins  determined 

at  some  fat  woman  would  enjoy  the  married  happiness 

lich  she  had  missed.     Rather  a  freakish  will,  you  will 


14  WIVES    TO    BURN 

say,  but  the  all-important  question  is,  who  is  to  be  the 
happy  man  ?  " 

RICH.     Oh  boy!     Wish  my  name  began  with  a  P. 

DICK.     Here  too. 

MAYME.  Not  much  time,  is  there,  if  the  young  man 
has  to  get  married  before  the  week's  out.  To-day's 
Friday. 

RICH.  Wouldn't  I  like  to  be  the  one  to  draw  that 
money?  How  much  is  it? 

MAYME  (looks  at  paper}.  Four  hundred  thousand 
dollars. 

DICK.  By  George!  Bert  is  in  on  that.  He's  about 
twenty-five  and  his  name  begins  with  a  P,  Parker. 

MAYME.  Fat  chance  he  has,  Bo,  fat  chance!  with 
him  so  dippy  over  that  there  Polly  dame.  He'd  turn 
down  four  million  for  her.  You'd  oughta  heard  him  on 
the  'phone  a  while  ago. 

RICH.  What's  being  dippy  over  Polly  got  to  do  with 
it? 

MAYME  (pointing  to  paper).  Don't  it  say  here  he  has 
to  marry  a  woman  weighin'  three  hundred  pounds  within 
the  week?  He'd  never  be  so  crazy  over  Polly  if  she 
weighed  that  much.  Believe  me ! 

RICH.  That's  right,  he  wouldn't.  Do  you  know,  he 
makes  me  sick  with  his  everlasting  Polly  this  and  Polly 
that.  You  would  think  he  had  her  cinched  the  way  he 
talks  about  her. 

DICK.     Maybe  he  has. 

RICH.  Oh,  I  don't  know.  There  are  a  few  other  fel 
lows  in  Los  Angeles  beside  Bert  Parker. 

DICK.     Evidently  not  with  Polly. 

MAYME.     You're  jealous. 

RICH.  No,  I'm  not,  but  all  he  talks  about  is  Polly, 
Polly,  Polly,  all  day  long. 

DICK.  Well,  you  would  like  to  talk  about  Betty, 
Betty,  Betty,  all  day  long  but  you're  too  darned  bashful. 

RICH  (pays  no  attention  to  DICK).  And  how  true 
Polly  is  to  him.  (BERT  appears  head  of  stairs,  notices 
they  are  talking  about  him  and  stops.)  All  you  can  hear 
when  you  are  around  the  house  is  his  eternal  'phoning  to 


WIVES    TO    BURN  15 

her  or  talking  about  her.  And  his  absolute  confidence  in 
her.  (Imitates  BERT.)  "  Nothing  can  come  between 
Polly  and  me."  Bah ! 

DICK.     Possibly  nothing  can. 

MAYME.  He  must  know  what  he  is  talking  about  or 
he  wouldn't  do  so  darned  much  of  it. 

RICH.  I've  only  got  about  $600  in  bank  but  I'm  will 
ing  to  bet  $500  of  it  I  can  make  Polly  throw  him  down 
before  to-morrow  night. 

BERT  (coming  down-stairs).     I'll  just  take  that  bet. 

(All  jump  to  their  feet.) 

RICH.     Why,  Bert,  I 

BERT.  No  harm  done,  none  at  all.  (Goes  to  table, 
takes  check-book  from  pocket  and  writes  check.)  I 
would  simply  like  to  cover  that  bet.  Who'll  hold  the 
stakes?  (Rises  zvith  check.) 

DICK.     What's  the  matter  with  little  Dick  Girard? 

BERT.  Nothing  at  all.  (Hands  check  to  DICK.) 
Well,  Rich,  aren't  you  game? 

RICH.  Of  course  I'm  game.  (Writes  check,  which 
he  hands  to  DICK.)  There  you  are. 

BERT.  Now  the  agreement  is,  if  Polly  throws  me 
down  by — what  time  to-morrow? 

RICH  (looks  at  watch).  It's  seven  o'clock  now; 
make  it  seven. 

BERT.  If  Polly  throws  me  down  by  seven  o'clock  to 
morrow  night,  you  get  my  $500.  (Looks  around.) 
That's  understood. 

DICK.     That's  as  I  get  it.     How  about  you,  Mayme? 

MAYME.     Same  here. 

BERT.     All  right.     See  you  later. 

(Exits  to  library.     All  stare  after  him  a  moment.) 

RICH.  Takes  it  mighty  cool;  losing  five  hundred  so 
easily. 

DICK.     He  hasn't  lost  it  yet. 

RICH.     He  will. 

MAYME.     Sure  ? 

RICH.  You  bet,  I'm  sure.  He  is  going  to  lose  it  all 
right.  You'll  see. 


l6  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME.  You've  sure  wished  a  man's  job  on  your 
hands. 

DICK.     I  should  say  so. 

(Starts  toward  stairs,  followed  by  MAYME.) 

RICH.     You're  going  to  help  me  out,  aren't  you? 

DICK  (stops).     What  for?     I  like  Bert. 

MAYME.     So  do  I. 

RICH.  Liking  him  has  nothing  to  do  with  it.  You 
know  you  are  both  as  sick  as  I  am  of  him  raving  about 
that  girl  and  her  wonderful  constancy.  Besides,  look  at 
the  fun  we  can  have  out  of  it. 

MAYME.  And  the  hard  work.  Don't  forget  the  hard 
work,  for  it's  gonna  take  some. 

RICH.  Look  here,  both  of  you;  if  you  help  me  out  on 
this  and  I  win,  which  I  will,  I'll  split  even  with  you. 
What  do  you  say? 

DICK.  I'm  in  on  anything  that  brings  in  the  money, 
but  it  looks  rather  low-down  for  us  all  to  work  against 
him. 

RICH.  You  should  worry  if  you  make  something  out 
of  it.  How  about  you,  Mayme? 

MAYME.  I  think  you're  gonna  look  like  a  sick  clam 
on  a  toot  by  the  time  you're  done  with  this  job,  Rich 
Douglas,  and  you've  got  about  one  chance  in  a  million  of 
winning,  but  I'll  help. 

RICH.     Now  how  can  we  do  it? 

DICK.  Can't  you  work  on  her  prejudices?  You 
know  how  straight-laced  she  is.  That  is,  if  what  he 
says  is  so. 

MAYME.     Yes,  run  a  divorced  wife  in  on  him. 

DICK.     Or  a  deserted  one. 

RICH.     Why  not  both? 

MAYME.  Have  a  heart.  Do  you  want  to  give  the 
poor  boob  a  harem? 

DICK.  A  harem !  Say !  Stick  around !  This  is  go 
ing  to  be  good.  His  Uncle  Dan  in  Turkey  hasn't  written 
him  for  three  months.  All  right,  Uncle  Dan's  dead. 

RICH.     But  what  good  is  that  going  to  do? 

DICK.     Wait  a  minute.    Uncle  Dan's  dead  and  he  has 


WIVES   TO    BURN  IJ 

willed  to  his  beloved  nephew  his  favorite  wife,  Little 
Bevo.    How's  that  ? 

MAYME  (admiringly).  Believe  me,  kid,  you  got  some 
think-tank  up  there  under  your  top-knot.  (Taps  his 
head.)  There's  something  there  besides  wood,  ain't 
there  ? 

DICK.     Oh,  I'm  there  with  the  ideas  all  right. 

RICH.     But  who  will  we  get  to  impersonate  the  wife? 

MAYME.  Let  me  do  it.  I  always  did  want  to  wear 
them  cute  little  pants  what  the  haremettes  wear. 

DICK.     Pants?     Those  are  trouserettes. 

RICH.  No,  we  ought  to  get  somebody  else.  You 
would  be  better  as  the  divorced  wife,  Mayme. 

MAYME.  And  get  Gert  for  the  deserted  one.  She'd 
be  a  howl. 

DICK.  Gert!  You  couldn't  blame  a  man  for  desert 
ing  her. 

RICH.     But  how  about  the  harem  lady? 

DICK.     That  will  be  a  sticker. 

MAYME.  Well,  fix  it  up  between  yuh.  I'm  going  up 
to  me  room  to  wash  me  one  and  only  silk  shirt  waist 
for  to-morrow.  Yuh  can  dope  out  what  yuh  intend 
doing  and  I'll  join  yuh  later.  [Exits  by  stairs. 

RICH.  Suppose  we  go  and  have  a  smoke  on  it.  Can't 
do  much  before  to-morrow  anyway. 

DICK.     I'm  with  you.    Come  on. 

[They  exit  by  stairs. 

(Window  is  cautiously  raised  and  STEVE  looks  into 
room.  Looks  all  around  and  then  motions  off  stage. 
Enters  through  window  followed  by  JACK.  They 
should  be  dressed  in  full  Turkish  costume,  STEVE 
as  man,  JACK  as  woman.) 

STEVE.  All  right  so  far.  This  looks  like  a  good 
place  to  hide  until  this  blows  over  and  we  can  get  out 
of  town. 

JACK.  You  said  it.  Just  because  we  happened  to  be 
sleeping  in  the  same  hotel  with  a  gink  that  had  the  small 
pox  is  no  reason  that  I  can  see  for  locking  us  up  in  the 
pest-house.  Br-r-r-r!  It  makes  me  shiver  yet. 


l8  WIVES    TO    BURN 

.STEVE.  Now  that  we've  made  our  get-away,  it's  up 
to  us  to  stay  away.  If  we  only  had  some  clothes ! 

(Goes  to  dining-room  door  and  looks  off  stage.") 

JACK.  It's  a  cinch  that  the  ladies  that  wear  this  junk 
ain't  used  to  cold  weather.  (STEVE  goes  to  kitchen 
door.)  Wonder  what  the  little  window  blind  is  for? 

(Throws  up  face  veil.') 

STEVE  (at  kitchen  door).  Cheese  it!  Some  one's 
coming ! 

(They   crawl   under   couch,   JACK   leaving  foot   out, 
toward  table,  where  it  can  be  seen  easily.) 

GERT  (enters  from  kitchen.  Arranges  furniture,  pa 
pers  on  table,  etc.  Moves  lamp  on  table  and  finds  letter 
under  it.  Looks  at  it  closely  as  though  puzzling  over 
address.  Sticks  letter  in  apron  pocket  where  it  can  be 
seen  later  by  AUNT  HETTY.  Goes  to  couch  to  arrange 
cushions.  Notices  JACK'S  foot.  Stops  suddenly.  Looks 
at  foot  from  different  angles.  Finally  reaches  for  foot 
very  slowly,  JACK  aw  slowly  drawing  it  away  from  her 
hand  under  couch.  She  stands  and  studies  a  moment. 
Then  gets  down  on  knees  and  looks  under  couch.  Rises 
and  screams) .  'Elp ! 

STEVE  (crawling  from  under  couch,  followed  by 
JACK).  Hush!  For  Heaven's  sake  don't  give  us  away. 

GERT.     'Oo  be  you?    (JACK  on  her  R.,  STEVE  L.) 

STEVE.     We're — we're  detectives! 

GERT.     Detectives!     'Go's  murdered? 

JACK.  No  one  yet.  But  there  will  be  soon  if  you 
don't  keep  your  mouth  shut. 

GERT.     Hi'll  keep  it  shut  all  right.    Kin  Hi  'elp? 

STEVE.     Help  what? 

GERT.     Ketch  whatever  you're  after. 

JACK  (winks  at  STEVE  over  GERT'S  head).  Of  course 
you  can  help.  That's  what  we  came  in  here  for. 

STEVE.  The  first  thing  is,  can  you  get  us  something 
to  eat? 


WIVES   TO    BURN  19 

GERT.     Hi — Hi  reckon  so. 

(Edges   away   from    them  very   carefully   and   then 
bolts  into  kitchen.} 

JACK.  Pretty  soft!  Now  if  we  can  only  get  some 
clothes. 

DICK  (at  head  of  stairs}.    Well !    What  have  we  here ? 

STEVE.     Well,  you  see,  we,  that  is  — 

DICK  (comes  down  stairs}.  What  do  you  call  it?  A 
side-show  ? 

(DiCK  down  R.,  STEVE  c.,  JACK  L.) 

STEVE.  I,  we—  Help  us  out,  Mr.  Whoever-you- 
are !  We  just  got  out  of  the  pest-house  and  — 

DICK  (makes  flying  leap  for  stairs).  Pest-house! 
Good-night ! 

STEVE  (grabs  his  coat).  There's  nothing  wrong  with 
us.  Honest  there  isn't ! 

(DiCK  keeps  as  far  away  from   STEVE  as  possible, 
STEVE  still  holding  his  coat.) 

JACK.  My  dad  has  a  cattle  ranch  up  near  Lancaster 
and  Steve  there  works  for  us.  We  blew  into  town  about 
three  days  ago  for  a  little  vacation  and  took  a  room  at 
the  Savoy.  The  next  day  they  found  smallpox  in  the 
place  and  grabbed  the  whole  bunch  of  us,  but  there  is 
nothing  wrong  with  us. 

DICK.     Where  did  you  get  that  layout  ? 

STEVE.  The  nurses  at  the  hospital  where  they  took  us 
were  having  a  masquerade  ball  last  night  and  we  saw  our 
chance  to  get  away.  We  had  no  clothes,  as  they  had 
taken  ours  to  be  fumigated,  I  suppose,  so  as  we  had  noth 
ing  else  to  put  on  we  snitched  these  and  here  we  are. 

DICK.  Oh  yes !  I  read  about  you  in  the  paper.  (Ex 
amines  their  clothing  very  gingerly. )  Turkish  costumes  ! 
By  George,  if  they  aren't!  "  Say!  Talk  about  luck. 
(Shoves  STEVE  and  JACK  extreme  L.)  Wait  a  minute. 
(Starts  for  stairs  then  turns.)  Now  don't  you  go  until  I 
get  back,  will  you? 


2O  WIVES    TO    BURN 

STEVE.  Swell  chance  of  going  in  this  comic  opera 
regalia. 

DICK  (going  up-stairs).     Oh,  this  will  be  a  lulu! 

[Exits. 

JACK.  I  wonder  what  he's  got  up  his  sleeve.  Maybe 
he's  gone  for  the  cops.  Let's  beat  it  while  we  can. 

(Starts  for  -window.) 

STEVE  (holding  JACK).  No,  it's  something  else,  I 
know.  We'll  stick  around  and  see. 

DICK  (enters  stairs  followed  by  RICH).  Look! 
(Points  to  STEVE  and  JACK.)  There's  your  harem  all 
right. 

RICH  (turns  them  around,  examines  them,  etc.). 
Pretty  good!  Pretty  good!  Where'did  you  get  them? 

DICK.     They  just  escaped  from  the  pest-house. 

RICH.     Pest-house !    This  is  no  place  for  me. 

(Starts  for  stairs;  takes  out  handkerchief  and  rubs 
his  hands.) 

DICK.  Wait  a  minute!  There  is  no  danger.  They 
only  happened  to  be  in  the  house  where  the  smallpox 
was  and  they  were  penned  up  as  a  precautionary  meas 
ure. 

RICH.     If  that's  the  case 

STEVE.     Sure!    We're  all  right,  aren't  we,  Jack? 

JACK.     Hope  to  die  if  we're  not. 

DICK.  Don't  you  see?  Here's  your  harem  right  to 
order.  (Points  to  STEVE.)  There's  the  Major  Domo. 
(Points  to  JACK.)  There's  the  favorite  wife. 

RICH.     By  Jingo!     If  it  isn't. 

STEVE.  I  don't  know  what  you  two  fellows  are  talk 
ing  about  but  if  you'll  let  us  have  some  clothes  to  get  out 
of  town  we'll  be  glad  to  pay  you  for  the  use  of  them 
and  return  them  to  you  as  soon  as  we  get  home. 

DICK.     You  say  you  are  out  on  a  vacation? 

JACK.     Yes,  we 

DICK.  How  would  you  like  to  make  twenty-five  dol 
lars  apiece  for  a  couple  of  hours'  work? 


WIVES    TO    BURN  21 

STEVE.     What  doing? 

DICK.  Nothing  out  of  the  way.  You  help  us  out  and 
we'll  furnish  the  clothes  for  you  to  get  home.  Come  up 
to  our  room  and  we'll  tell  you  all  about  it. 

[All  exit  by  stairs. 

GERT  (enters  from  kitchen  with  tray  of  food).  'Ere's 
all  Hi  could  scrape  up.  (Looks  around.)  W'y,  they're 
gone! 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen).  What  might  you  be  do 
ing  with  that  tray  of  food? 

GERT  (scared).  Well,  you  see,  ma'am,  Hi  just 
brought  it  in  because  Hi,  because  Hi,  just  brought  it 
in 

AUNT.  Yes,  I  know  you  just  brought  it  in,  but  what 
for? 

GERT.  There  was  two  detectives  'ere,  ma'am,  and 
they  asked  me  for  it. 

AUNT.  Two  detectives?  (GERT  nods.)  Here? 
(She  nods  again.)  Are  you  crazy? 

GERT.  No,  ma'am,  hindeed  Hi  ain't.  They  was  'ere, 
so  'elp  me,  if  they  wasn't.  They  ast  me  for  something 
to  eat  and  Hi  was  afraid  they  would  annihilate  me  hif 
Hi  didn't  get  'em  something,  so  Hi  did  and  you  caught 
me  and  'ere  it  is,  ma'am.  (Offers  tray  to  AUNT.) 

AUNT.  I  don't  want  it,  you  idiot!  Take  it  to  the 
kitchen.  (GERT  starts  tozvard  kitchen.)  Wait  a  minute: 
whose  letter  have  you  in  your  pocket  ? 

GERT    (hands  letter  to  AUNT).    Hi  found  it,  ma'am. 

AUNT  (takes  letter).  I  suppose  so.  More  likely  you 
were  snooping  around  some  place.  (Reads  address.) 
Mr.  Parker.  Humph!  (Pitts  letter  in  pocket.)  Take 
ihe  tray  back  to  the  kitchen  and  be  quick  about  it. 

GERT.     Yes'm.  [Exits  to  kitchen. 

POLLY  (enters  c.  D.,  runs  to  AUNT  and  grabs  her 
iround  the  neck).  Don't  let  him  touch  me,  please  don't! 

AUNT.     Don't  let  who  touch  you? 

POLLY.  A  man !  He's  been  following  us  for  a  block 
nd  oh!  Look  and  see  if  Betty  is  all  right.  Hurry! 
lurry!  (Shoves  AUNT  toward  c.  D.) 

AUNT  (bewildered).    Betty  who? 


22 


WIVES   TO    BURN 


POLLY.  My  friend,  Betty  King,  the  girl  I  room  will 
Do  look,  please!  I —  (BETTY  appears  c.  D.  brushiu 
her  hands. )  Oh,  Betty !  Did  he  — 

BETTY  (enters}.  No,  he  didn't,  so  don't  worry.  Wha 
did  you  run  for  ? 

POLLY.     I  was  afraid,  of  course. 

BETTY.     Of  a  man  ?    Humph ! 

AUNT.     What  does  this  mean?    Who  are  you? 

POLLY.  I  am  Polly  Palmer  and  this  is  my  frienc 
Betty  King.  We  were  walking  along  in  front  of  you 
house  when  a  man  came  up  and  spoke  to  us  and 

BETTY.     You,  like  a  fool,  ran ! 

POLLY.     Well,  what  could  I  do? 

BETTY.     Slap  his  face  like  I  did. 

POLLY.     You  didn't,  Betty! 

BETTY  (imitating  POLLY).    I  did,  Polly! 

AUNT.  You  did  quite  right,  young  lady.  If  ther 
were  more  girls  in  the  world  like  you,  men  wouldn' 
be  so  free  as  to  accost  women  on  the  streets  as  they  ar 
now. 

BETTY.     Oh,  I  don't  mind  being  accosted  if  he  is 
half-way  decent  sort  of  a  fellow.     (POLLY  signals  to  he 
to   keep   quiet.*)      But  you  should  have  seen  this  one 
He (Notices  POLLY'S  signal.} 

POLLY.  Now  that  we  are  in  here  possibly  you  coul< 
give  us  some  information,  Mrs. 

AUNT.     Miss,  if  you  please.     Miss  Bingle. 

POLLY.  We  are  employed  at  the  Prince  Moving  Pic 
ture  Studio  near  here,  at  present,  and  were  out  lookin; 
for  an  apartment.  Possibly  you  could  direct  us  to  ; 
place. 

AUNT.  Moving  pictures !  I  don't  countenance  then 
very  much.  Do  you  have  gentlemen  friends  call  01 
you? 

POLLY  (smiling}.    Occasionally;  not  very  often. 

AUNT.     Out  much  at  night? 

POLLY.     Oh,  occasionally. 

AUNT.     Smoke  cigarettes? 

POLLY.     Occa 

BETTY.     Polly ! 


WIVES    TO    BURN.  23 

POLLY  (catching  herself}.  Oh,  no,  no!  Of  course 
not. 

AUNT.  You  needn't  jump  at  me.  A  lot  of  women 
do.  I  may  be  able  to  accommodate  you.  I  have  a  few 
boarders  and  roomers  and  as  it  happens  an  apartment  is 
vacant  that  will  probably  suit  you.  It's  for  two,  right 
on  this  floor.  Will  your  friend  come  with  you? 

BETTY.     Yes ;  we  want  to  stay  together. 

AUNT.     You  can  furnish  references,  of  course. 

POLLY.  Plenty.  (BERT  enters  from  library.)  Good- 
evening,  Bert ! 

BERT.     Polly !    What  are  you  doing  here  ? 

POLLY.     Miss  Bingle  has  just  rented  us  an  apartment. 

BETTY.  Provided  we  don't  smoke,  stay  out  late  at 
night,  or  have  too  many  gentleman  callers. 

AUNT  (severely).  No  joking,  if  you  please.  If  you 
are  acquainted  with  my  nephew,  you  will  need  no  other 
references.  (To  BERT.)  I  will  go  and  air  the  apart 
ment.  You  can  bring  Miss  Palmer  up  later. 

[Exits  c.  D.  R. 

BERT.  You'll  like  it  here,  Polly.  Aunt  Hetty  isn't 
half  as  cross  as  she  seems. 

BETTY.     Anybody  else  here? 

BERT.  Mayme  Clifford,  cashier  at  the  Universal  City 
Cafeteria;  Dick  Girard,  an  Accountant  with  the  Lou- 
perex  Film  Corporation,  Rich  Douglas,  a  clerk  with  the 
Santa  Fe,  and  myself. 

BETTY.  Dick  Girard  and  Rich  Douglas!  Do  they 
live  here  ? 

BERT.     Yes.     Do  you  know  them? 

BETTY.     Er,  slightly. 

AUNT  (c.  D.).  Bert,  will  you  come  and  help  me  with 
this  window?  It's  stuck. 

BERT.  In  a  moment,  Aunt  Hetty.  (AuNT  exits 
c.  D.  R.)  Coming,  Polly? 

POLLY.  We'll  let  Miss  Bingle  air  the  room  out  first. 
(BERT  exits  c.  D.  R.)  We'll  like  it  here,  I  know  it.  The 
place  looks  so  homey  and  comfortable. 

BETTY.  The  place  looks  all  right,  but  I'm  going  to  be 
in  an  awful  fix.  (Sits  divan.) 


24  WIVES    TO    BURN 

POLLY  (at  window).    How  so? 

(Lays  purse  on  table  and  goes  to  mirror  to  straighten 
her  hair,  etc.) 

BETTY.  Why,  with  Dick  Girard  and  Rich  Douglas 
both  in  the  same  house  with  me. 

POLLY.  Who  are  they?  I  never  heard  you  mention 
them. 

BETTY.  I  know  a  lot  of  people  you  have  never  heard 
me  mention.  I  met  these  two  at  one  of  the  movie  balls 
at  the  old  Auditorium  and  they  both  fell  in  love  with  me, 
or  said  they  did.  They  sent  me  candy  and  flowers  and 
took  me  to  the  theatre  and  the  Lord  only  knows  what 
else  they  didn't  do,  or  try  to,  until  to  tell  the  truth  I 
hardly  knew  which  one  of  them  I  liked  best. 

POLLY  (sits  beside  table).    But  I  don't  see 

BETTY.  You  will  in  a  minute.  As  I  say,  they  were 
both  so  nice  I  didn't  know  whether  I  liked  Dickey  Girard 
or  Dickey  Douglas  the  best.  Both  of  them  have  Rich 
ard  for  a  Christian  name,  but  Girard  uses  Dick  while 
Douglas  uses  Rich.  I  called  them  both  Dickey,  and 
that's  what  caused  all  the  trouble. 

POLLY.     But  where  does  the  trouble  come  in? 

BETTY.  Dick  Girard  proposed  time  and  time  again 
but  I  always  held  him  off  just  to  see  what  Douglas 
would  do.  About  two  weeks  ago  Girard  proposed  again 
and  I  sent  him  away.  Douglas  came  in  about  ten  min 
utes  later  and  tried  to  propose  to  me,  I  know  he  did,  but 
he  hadn't  the  courage,  and  after  two  or  three  attempts 
he  left.  In  about  twenty  minutes  I  got  a  'phone  call  and 
a  voice  came  over  the  wire  saying,  "  Betty,  this  is  Dickey. 
Will  you  marry  me?"  I  was  still  thinking  of  Douglas 
and  I  said  "  Yes  "  before  I  thought.  The  voice  answered 
"  Thank  Heaven !  I've  got  you  at  last  "  and  the  'phone 
was  hung  up  and  for  the  life  of  me  I  couldn't  tell 
whether  it  was  Dick  Girard  or  Rich  Douglas,  and  I've 
never  had  the  nerve  to  ask  them  for  fear  I  ask  the 
wrong  one ! 

POLLY.  For  heaven's  sake,  Betty!  Such  a  predica 
ment  to  be  in. 

BETTY.     Isn't  it?    I  want  Rich  Douglas,  I  know  it 


WIVES    TO    BURN  25 

now,  but  if  I  ask  him  if  he  proposed  to  me  he'll  think  I'm 
a  fool,  whether  he  did  or  didn't,  and  it  would  be  the  same 
thing  with  Girard  and  they  are  both  just  as  nice  as  they 
always  were  and 

POLLY.  But  hasn't  Mr.  Girard  proposed  again  since 
that  day?  You  said  he  was  always  proposing  to  you. 

BETTY.  He  proposed  to  me  almost  every  day  until  the 
day  I  got  that  'phone  call,  then  he  quit. 

POLLY.     Hasn't  the  other  one  said  anything? 

BETTY  (half  crying}.  I  haven't  even  seen  him  since, 
and  oh,  P-P- Polly !  I'm  that  miserable.  It's  awful  to  be 
engaged  and  not  to  know  who  to. 

BERT  ( enters  c.  D.  R.  ) .  Come  on !  Everything  is 
ready.  You  have  the  nicest  apartment  in  the  house.  I 
know  you  will  like  it.  [They  exit  c.  D.  R. 

DICK  (enters  by  stairs,  followed  by  RICH,  STEVE  and 
JACK).  Now,  whatever  you  do,  pull  it  oft"  right. 

RICH.  There's  twenty-five  dollars  apiece  in  it  for  you 
if  you  do. 

JACK.     And  ten  days  and  costs  if  we  don't. 

STEVE.  Shut  up!  (To  DICK.)  I'm  to  come  here  in 
about  half  an  hour  with  Jack  and  ask  for  Bert  Parker. 
Then  give  him  this  letter  (Shows  letter.)  and  tell  him  I 
come  from  his  Uncle  Daniel  in  Turkey,  I  mean  from  his 
Uncle  Daniel's  solicitors  in  Turkey. 

RICH.     That's  the  dope. 

STEVE.     How  will  I  know  what  to  say? 

DICK.  You'll  have  to  use  your  brains.  Whatever 
you  do,  though,  don't  get  stuck. 

RICH.  You  can  say  that  you  are  his  uncle's  old  serv 
ant,  and  that  before  he  died  he  commissioned  you  to 
bring  his  favorite  wife  Little  Bevo,  Bert  ought  to  get  a 
kick  out  of  that  name,  to  his  beloved  nephew  in  America. 
All  that  kind  of  bunk,  you  know. 

JACK.     And  I'm  to  be  the  wife? 

RICH.    Yes. 

JACK.     What  will  I  say? 

DICK.  You  keep  your  mouth  shut  unless  you  are 
poken  to.  You're  not  supposed  to  know  much  English. 

STEVE.     But  suppose  I  do  get  stuck? 


26  WIVES    TO    BURN 

DICK.     You  won't. 

STEVE.     But  if  he  asks  me  about  his  uncle? 

DICK.     He's  dead.     Decline  to  talk  about  the  dead. 

RICH.     Tell  him  it's  against  your  religion. 

DICK.  Come  right  up  to  the  front  door  and  ask  for 
the  Honorable  Effendi  Parker.  I  think  that's  the  handle 
they  use  in  Turkey.  I'll  see  that  he's  here  for  you. 

RICH.  Now  beat  it  up  to  our  room  and  stay  there. 
We'll  let  you  know  when  to  make  your  entrance. 

JACK.  And  after  we  make  our  entrance  I'll  bet  we 
make  our  exit  pretty  darn  quick. 

STEVE.  Aw !  Come  on  and  shut  up.  You're  a  reg 
ular  calamity  howler.  [They  exit  by  stairs. 

RICH.     I  believe  I'm  going  to  enjoy  this. 

DICK.     Say !    We're  a  good  pair  of  dubs ! 

RICH.     What's  the  matter  now? 

DICK.     We  forgot  to  get  the  girl ! 

RICH.     What  girl? 

DICK.  Why  Polly,  of  course!  She's  got  to  be  here 
or  the  whole  thing  is  kerflooey  and  Bert's  been  too 
darned  smart  to  ever  let  us  know  where  she  lives. 
( POLLY  enters  c.  D.)  Oh,  Polly,  Polly,  where  are  you? 

POLLY.  Right  here !  That  is  —  Were  you  calling 
me? 

DICK  (shortly).    No,  I  wasn't. 

POLLY.  But  I  distinctly  heard  you.  I  beg  your  par 
don  though ;  there  are  evidently  plenty  of  Pollys  in  the 
world  beside  myself. 

RICH  (hesitatingly).  Could  it  be  possible  that  you 
are  Polly  Palmer,  Mr.  Parker's  friend? 

POLLY  (smiling).    Yes,  I  believe  I  am. 

DICK  (clasps  hands  and  raises  eyes).  Thank  good 
ness!  (To  POLLY.)  And  you  are  the  Polly  that  he  has 
talked  so  much  about? 

POLLY  (interested).     Has  he  talked  about  me  much? 

RICH.     Has  he  talked  about  you  much?    Ye  gods! 

DICK.  You  are  the  dream  of  his  life,  the  ideal  of  his 
existence,  the  — 

POLLY.  Oh,  how  interesting!  I  always  thought  he 
was  rather  quiet.  And  you  are  friends  of  his? 


WIVES   TO    BURN  ^t] 

RICH.     We  are  supposed  to  be. 

POLLY    (takes  them  by  the  arm}.     Come  right  over 
here  and  we'll  have  a  nice  long  chat. 

(Starts  toward  divan  as  'phone  rings.) 
RICH.     See  who  is  wanted,  Dick. 

(DiCK  goes  to  'phone  as  RICH  and  POLLY  sit  on  divan. 
They  converse  as  DICK  answers  'phone.) 

DICK.  Yes,  this  is  Hollywood  543.  He  isn't  here  just 

it  present Yes,  I  can  take  a  message  for  him. 

What's  that  ?  Say  that  again ! And 

/ou  mean  that  he  gets  $400,000? 

RICH  (running  to  'phone).     What's  that  about  $400,- 

)00? 

DICK  (paying  no  attention  to  him).  He  gets  all  of  it, 
>rovided  he — three  hundred  pounds?  (Turns  and  looks 
't  POLLY.)  No!  There  isn't  a  chance.  He's  already 
looked.  No !  No  !  No  !  Wait  a  minute ;  he  has  until 
even  o'clock  to-morrow  night  ?  All  right !  I'll  tell  him. 
Hangs  up  receiver.)  $400,000!  Oh,  what  a  lump  of 
loney  to  be  wished  on  you,  just  wished  on  you. 

POLLY  (takes  purse  from  table).  You  have  evidently 
sceived  some  very  interesting  news.  We  can  finish  our 
ttle  talk  later.  [Exits  c.  D.  R. 

DICK.     Could  you  beat  it ! 

RICH.     Well,  spill  it!    What  is  it? 

MAYME  (enters  stairs).    Where's  your  harem? 

DICK.     Bert's  picked. 

MAYME.     Picked  what?    Elucidate!    Elucidate! 

DICK.     Picked  for  the  Perkins  fortune. 

MAYME   (falls  in  chair).     You  don't  mean  it!     Yuh 

iven't  been  hittin'  the  pipe  or  anything  like  that,  have 

ih? 

DICK.     No,  I  haven't.    Bert's  the  lucky  guy.    What  do 

>u  know  about  that  ? 

RICH.     But  the  paper  said  he  had  to  marry  a  woman 

sighing  three  hundred  pounds  and  she  (Points  c.  D.) 

n't  weigh  half  that  much. 


28  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME.  There's  nothin'  to  it.  We  gotta  take  this 
case  in  hand. 

DICK.  But  what  can  we  do  ?  He's  as  stubborn  as  an 
ox  and  you  know  what  he  thinks  of  that  girl. 

RICH.     I  don't  blame  him  at  that,  for  she's  a  pippin. 

MAYME  (taking  both  to  c.  of  stage).  Look  here, 
you  two!  All  bets  is  off.  We  started  in  to  play  a  joke 
on  Bert  but  we've  got  to  get  at  this  thing  in  dead  earnest. 
He's  gotta  get  that  $400,000  if  we  have  to  knock  him 
down  and  drag  him  to  it.  We'll  go  right  ahead  with 
this  scheme  of  ours,  only  it  ain't  gonna  be  in  fun  from 
now  on.  We've  got  to  make  her  turn  him  down,  for  it's 
a  cinch  he  won't  throw  her  over,  even  if  it  is  for  $400,- 
ooo. 

DICK.  And  when  she  does  throw  him  down,  we  have 
to  marry  him  to  three  hundred  pounds  and  quick. 

RICH.  Some  job !  Who  knows  a  woman  weighing 
three  hundred  pounds?  Any  on  your  visiting  list,  Dick? 

DICK.     Heavens  no! 

MAYME.  We  can't  stand  here  and  fool.  We  gotta 
act.  About  the  first  thing  we'll  have  to  do  is  fix  things 
with  Aunt  Het,  so  if  we  pull  off  anything  she  won't  queer 
it.  She'll  do  anything  for  Bert;  you  know  how  dippy 
she  is  over  him.  Then  the  next  thing  is  make  this  here 
Polly  Jane  turn  him  down.  Does  anybody  know  where 
she  is  or  how  to  get  to  her? 

RICH.  She's  right  here  in  this  house.  Just  rented 
an  apartment  from  Aunt  Het  this  evening.  I  was  talk 
ing  to  her  not  ten  minutes  ago. 

MAYME.  Fine  shootin' !  That  makes  it  easier.  She 
ain't  never  seen  none  of  Bert's  friends 

RICH.  Dick  and  I  \vere  having  a  talk  with  her  when 
we  got  the  word  about  Bert. 

MAYME.     Well,  you  didn't  spill  anything,  did  yuh? 

RICH.     Did  we,  Dick? 

DICK.     Of  course  not ;  we  hadn't  time. 

MAYME.  So  far,  so  good.  (Counts  on  fingers.) 
Now  if  we  fix  Aunt  Het,  I  run  in  on  him  as  his  divorced 
wife,  you  two  line  him  up  with  the  harem  lady  and  Gert 
pulls  off  the  deserted  wife  stunt,  what  more  do  we  need? 


WIVES    TO    BURN  29 

RICH.     A  woman  that  weighs  three  hundred  pounds; 
that's  the  most  important  thing  of  all. 
^  MAYME.     Don't  worry  about  that ;  we'll  get  one  all 
right.    Go  get  Aunt  Het  in  here  and  we'll  fix  things  up 
with  her  first. 

DICK  (calls  at  kitchen  door).  Miss  Bingle!  May  we 
speak  to  you  a  moment,  please  ? 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen).    What  is  it,  Mr.  Girard? 

DICK.  Something  has  turned  up  to-night,  Miss 
Bingle,  that  is  rather  hard  to  explain. 

MAYME.  What's  bitin'  yuh  ?  There  ain't  nothin'  hard 
to  explain  about  it.  (To  AUNT.)  Bert's  fell  heir  to 
$400,000. 

AUNT.     Land  of  Love!    Who  from? 

RICH.  Lydia  Prudence  Perkins,  whoever  the  deuce 
she  is,  or  was. 

AUNT.     But  he's  not  related  to  the  Perkinses. 

MAYME  (hands  AUNT  paper  and  points  to  place}. 
There !  Read  that !  Don't  I  wish  $400,000  would  drop 
down  and  biff  me  on  the  bean  like  that !  Oh  boy !  What 
I  couldn't  do  with  it. 

AUNT.     But  this  don't  mention  Bert  ? 

DICK.     Finish  it. 

AUNT  (reading).  "And  a  drawing  is  to  take  place 
to  decide  which  of  the  young  men  of  the  city  is  to  be  her 
heir."  You  don't  mean  to  tell  me  that  Bert's  name  was 
drawn  ? 

DICK.  That's  exactly  what  we  do  mean  to  tell  you. 
He  gets  all  that  money  provided  — 

MAYME.  Yes,  provided.  Every  time  there's  anything 
good  comin'  to  you  some  old  joy-chaser  has  to  hang  the 
crepe  on  it  with  a  "  provided." 

DICK.  Provided  he  marries  a  woman  weighing  three 
lundred  pounds  before  to-morrow  night. 

AUNT.  But  he  doesn't  know  any  one  weighing  three 
mndred  pounds.  And  imagine  how  they  would  look  to 
gether  if  he  did  find  one. 

RICH.  It  isn't  how  they  would  look,  it's  how  he  would 
eel  if  he  lets  that  money  get  away  from  him. 

MAYME.     Now  he's  stuck  on  a  dame 


•JO  WIVES    TO    BURN 

AUNT.     He's  what? 

MAYME.  He's  in  love  with  a  young  lady  named  Polly 
Palmer. 

AUNT.  Polly  Palmer!  I  just  rented  a  room  to  a 
young  lady  by  that  name. 

MAYME.  We  know  you  did  and  it's  mighty  lucky  for 
Bert  you  did.  He's  been  a-ravin'  and  a-talkin'  about 
this  skirt  for  the  last  year — simply  nuts  over  her.  Says 
he's  gonna  marry  her. 

AUNT.  He  never  said  anything  to  me  about  it. 
Never  even  mentioned  he  knew  her. 

MAYME.  Well,  what  of  it?  You  don't  expect  a  guy 
to  run  to  his  auntie  every  time  he  kisses  his  girl,  do  you  ? 

DICK.     Now  we've  got  to  break  this  off. 

MAYME.  Yea  Bo !  What's  a  girl  like  this  here  Polly 
dame  compared  to  $400,000?  So  we're  gonna  get  busy. 

AUNT.  But  why  should  you  interest  yourselves  in 
this? 

DICK.     Aren't  we  friends  of  his? 

RICH.  And  as  we  know  he  won't  help  himself,  some 
one  has  to  do  it  for  him. 

MAYME.  Now,  we're  gonna  pull  something  off  here 
to-night  and  no  matter  what  turns  up  you  are  to  keep 
mum. 

AUNT  (offended).  Young  lady!  This  is  my  house 
and 

MAYME.     Think  of  the  $400,000  and  Bert. 

AUNT.     What  do  you  intend  doing? 

DICK.  We  are  going  to  make  Polly  turn  Bert  down, 
for  it's  a  cinch  he'll  never  throw  her  over. 

AUNT.  No,  Bert  is  too  much  of  a  gentleman  to  do 
that. 

RICH.  Neither  one  of  them,  I  suppose,  would  listen 
to  reason,  so  we  have  decided  upon  a  scheme. 

AUNT.     I  don't  care  to  be  a  party  to  any  scheme. 

(Starts  toward  kitchen.) 

MAYME.     But  think  of  that  $400,000. 
AUNT.     Well,  so  long  as  there  is  nothing  dishonest 
about  it. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  3! 

MAYME  (winks  at  boys').  There  ain't;  don't  worry 
none.  This  here  dame  is  one  of  these  straight-laced, 
long-whiskered  kind,  that  don't  believe  in  dancin'  or 
anything  like  that,  so  we  figured  up  that  if  she  thinks 
Bert  isn't  just  the  kind  of  a  gink  she  is,  she'd  turn  him 
down. 

AUNT.     But  suppose  they  really  love  each  other? 

DICK.  Suppose  they  do:  Bert  can  marry  the  fat 
woman 

RICH.     If  he  can  find  one. 

DICK  (continuing).  Get  the  money,  divorce  her,  and 
then  marry  Polly. 

RICH.     If  she'll  have  him  second-handed. 

MAYME.  Say !  Can't  you  think  of  something  else 
to  croak  about?  Of  course  she'll  have  him.  What  girl 
wouldn't  if  he  had  $400,000  to  dangle  in  front  of  her? 

AUNT.  And  just  how  are  you  going  to  bring  all  this 
about  ? 

MAYME.  First,  we're  gonna  get  Bert  and  Polly  here 
in  this  room,  together,  when  we  have  a  nice  little  surprise 
from  the  Orient  to  spring  on  them  and  take  it  from  me, 
kid,  it's  a  peach. 

AUNT.  Miss  Clifford!  Please  understand  I'm  not  a 
kid!  I  dislike  the  word  very  much. 

MAYME.  Sorry,  dearie,  if  I  said  anything  to  lacerate 
your  feelin's,  but  you  know  me,  Al.  Anyhow,  if  the 
oriental  stunt  don't  work,  I'm  gonna  claim  him  as  me 
divorced  husband,  and  if  that  don't  work  we're  gonna 
run  Gert  in  on  him  as  his  deserted  wife. 

AUNT.  Gert !  Don't  depend  on  her  for  anything.  If 
you  do,  she  will  be  sure  to  spoil  it.  Besides 

DICK.  It  isn't  a  case  of  besides  at  all,  Miss  Bingle; 
if  Bert  is  to  get  that  $400,000  we  can't  choose  the  way 
and  means  of  him  getting  it. 

AUNT.  Very  well !  I'll  wash  my  hands  of  the  whole 
affair.  You  can  go  as  far  as  you  like  and  do  as  you 
please  without  interference  from  me,  but  even  to  gain 
$400,000,  I  can  hardly  approve  of  your  plans. 

(Starts  for  kitchen.} 


01  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME.     Send  Gert  in,  will  yuh  ? 

AUNT.  I'll  send  her  in  but  I  think  you  are  a  fool  to 
put  any  dependence  in  her  help.  [Exits  to  kitchen. 

MAYME.  Gee !  I  thought  she'd  yelp  worse'n  she  did. 
Now  we'll  line  up  Gert,  but  we  won't  use  her  unless  we 
have  to,  for  brains  she  has  nix. 

RICH.  But  I  don't  think  we  can  pull  this  off  this  way. 
We 

DICK.  For  heaven's  sake  don't  croak!  If  you  can't 
boost,  keep  your  mouth  shut. 

GERT  (enters  from  kitchen).  Miss  Bingle  said  as  'ow 
you  axed  to  see  me. 

DICK.     Gert,  could  you  tell  a  lie? 

GERT.     Huh  ? 

DICK.     Could  you  tell  a  lie,  for,  say,  ten  dollars  ? 

GERT.     For  ten  dollars  Hi  could  lie  like  a  trooper! 

MAYME.  Oh!  The  naughty  little  brat!  Would  you 
listen  at  it ! 

DICK.  That's  the  way  to  talk!  Were  you  ever  in 
love? 

GERT.     Huh  ? 

DICK.     Were  you  ever  in  love? 

GERT  (scratches  head  and  studies  a  moment}.  Yus, 
wunst!  With  the  hiceman.  Hi  loved  'im  for  yars  and 
yars.  Took  'im  out  and  treated  'im  to  hice-cream  and 
beer  and  trype  and  sponge  cyke.  Many's  and  many's  a 
time  Hi  did,  but  'e  wouldn't  propowse,  'e  wouldn't.  Told 
me  to  wyte.  So  Hi  wyted  and  wyted  and  wyted,  like  a 
blitherin'  id  jut  and  then  'e  up  and  married  the  cook. 

RICH.  Ouch !  I  should  hope  he  would  marry  the 
cook!  Ice-cream  and  beer  and  tripe  and  sponge  cake. 
Some  combination  to  win  a  man. 

DICK.  If  you've  ever  been  in  love  you  will  know 
how  to  act.  Mr.  Parker  has  just  fallen  heir  to  $400,- 
ooo 

GERT.  Four  hundred  thousand  dollars!  All  in  wun 
lump? 

DICK.     Yes. 

GERT  (grabs  her  forehead  and  staggers').  Grasp  me, 
somebody,  grasp  me!  Hi'm  goin'  to  faint,  Hi  know 


WIVES   TO    BURN  33 

Hi  am.  Oh,  hif  it  'ad  only  'appened  to  me;  maybe  Hi 
could  'a'  got  a  man. 

DICK  (smiling).  To  get  this  money  he  has  to  marry 
a  woman  weighing  three  hundred  pounds  before  to 
morrow  night. 

GERT.     Three  hundred  pounds  ? 

DICK.     Yes,  three  hundred  pounds. 

GERT  (earnestly).  Don't  you  ever  let  'er  set  on  'is 
knee.  Don't  you  ever  let  'er  do  it.  Lord  pity  'im  hif 
she  does.  The  hiceman  only  weighed  two  hundred  and 
fifty,  'e  did,  and  wunst  'e  set  on  mine.  (Illustrates.) 
You  see,  Hi  was  a-settin'  'ere  and  'e  come  to  me,  'e 
did 

MAYME.  Sure!  Sure!  We  know  all  about  that, 
dearie.  Now  let  us  spiel  a  while.  Mr.  Parker  is  dead 
in  love  with  a  dame  that  I  suppose  don't  weigh  none 
over  one  hundred  and  ten.  (Looks  at  RICH.) 

RICH.     About  that. 

MAYME.  And  he  wouldn't  throw  her  over  for  twice 
$400,000,  so  we  want  to  bust  up  the  combination. 

GERT.  Oh,  Hi  see !  Just  like  Hi'd  like  to  bust  up  the 
combination  between  the  hiceman  and  the  cook. 

MAYME.  You  got  me,  kid,  the  first  time.  Now  she 
won't  turn  him  down  unless  she  thinks  she  has  a  good 
cause,  so  we  want  you  to  represent  yourself  as  Mr. 
Parker's  deserted  wife  and 

GERT    (startled}.     'Oo?     Me? 

DICK.  Of  course  you;  that's  why  I've  been  telling 
you  all  this. 

GERT  (positively}.  Nothing  doing!  Not  for  me. 
'E'd  bash  me  wun  on  the  'ead,  'e  would. 

(Starts  toward  kitchen.} 

RICH.     Wait  a  minute ;  we'll  make  it  $25. 

GERT  (shakes  head}.     Nope! 

DICK.     Thirty-five  dollars. 

GERT.     Nope !    Not  for  $50. 

RICH.     We'll  make  it  $50. 

GERT.     N-n-n-nope!     I'm  skeered! 

MAYME.     Sixty  dollars  and  that's  the  highest  we'll  go. 


34 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


GERT.  Would.  Hi  'ave  to  kiss  'im? 

RICH.  You  could  if  you  liked. 

GERT.  And  you  wouldn't  let  'im  bash  me  hif  Hi  did? 

DICK.  I  should  say  not.  There'll  be  no  bashing  go 
ing  on  around  this  house.  Don't  worry  on  that  score. 

GERT.  Hi  allus  did  want  to  kiss  a  man  to  see  'ow  'e'd 
tyke  it. 

(RICH  and  DICK  make  faces  and  turn  away  from  her.) 

MAYME.     It's  a  go  then. 

GERT  (hesitatingly).  Hi  suppose  so,  but  Hi'm  gettin' 
skeered  already.  You're  sure  'e  won't  bash  me  ? 

DICK.  I'll  see  that  he  don't.  Here,  Rich !  You  take 
her  along  and  line  her  up  as  to  what  she  is  to  do. 

RICH  (taking  her  arm}.     Come  along,  Gert ! 

GERT.  Ho  Lud!  Hi'm  skeered  already!  'E'll  call 
in  the  Bobby,  Hi  know  'e  will. 

RICH.  Come  on!  We'll  see  that  nothing  happens  to 
you.  [They  exit  by  stairs. 

DICK  (to  MAYME).  Now  you  get  fixed  up  for  his 
divorced  wife.  Polly  surely  won't  stand  for  a  divorce. 
And  say!  Represent  yourself  as  a  burlesque  actress 
from  one  of  the  places  down  on  Main  Street.  You  can 
do  it. 

MAYME.  Do  it!  Watch  me!  I'll  come  in  as  Lulu 
Paralyzer  of  the  Hot  Shot  Burlesquers  and  I'll  be  so 
tough  I'll  squeak  when  I  walk.  You  just  watch  Little 
Eva.  Now  I'll  go  and  put  on  me  glad  rags  and  you  dig  up 
Bert  and  his  little  angel  (Walks  to  c.  D.)  and  then  we'll 
spring  the  big  surprise.  Good  Heavens!  Here  they 
come. 

(They  exit  stairs  as  BERT  and  POLLY  enter  c.  D.) 

BERT.  I'm  mighty  glad  you're  here  with  Aunt  Hetty. 
She's  a  good  scout  and  you'll  like  her. 

POLLY.  Yes,  it  will  be  nice.  I  have  so  few  friends 
in  the  city.  I  only  met  Betty  about  a  month  ago  but  she's 
been  lovely  with  me.  (MAYME  and  DICK  at  head  of 
stairs.)  Oh,  if  I  could  only  find  my  brother! 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


35 


(Sits  on  divan,  BERT  beside  her.) 

BERT.  You  will,  I  know  you  will.  Then  you  always 
have  me,  you  know. 

POLLY.  You  are  sure,  Bert,  you  never  could  care  for 
another  girl  as  you  do  for  me? 

BERT.     Indeed  I  am !    Quite  sure. 

POLLY.  And  there  never  was  another  girl  in  your  life 
before  I  entered  it? 

BERT.     No,  never! 

MAYME.     Same  old  stuff  they  all  peddle! 

DICK.     Ssssh ! 

BERT.  Since  I  met  you,  Polly,  I've  been  a  changed 
man,  while,  as  I  say  I  have  never  cared  for  a  girl  before, 
still  you  have  exerted  a  wonderful  influence  over  me  and 
I  know  you  always  will. 

MAYME.  Say !  This  is  too  good  to  waste  a  harem  on 
it.  Let  me  step  in  now ;  we  can  use  the  harem  later. 

(BERT  and  POLLY  converse.) 

DICK.     But  Mayme 

MAYME.  Didn't  you  hear  him  say  there'd  never  been 
another  girl  in  his  life  before?  Here's  our  chance.  If 
she  finds  out  there  has,  it'll  be  one  in  our  favor,  won't 
it?  (Goes  down-stairs.)  Hello!  Bert,  old  top!  How's 
the  kid? 

BERT  (surprised).  Why,  hello!  Mayme!  What's 
up? 

MAYME.  Oh,  nothin'  much !  Was  just  passing  along 
and  thought  I'd  drop  in  and  see  you. 

BERT.  Passing  along !  What  on  earth  are  you  talking 
about  ? 

MAYME.  Aw  quit  your  kiddin',  Bertie  dear,  quit  your 
kiddin'. 

POLLY  (rising).    Who  is  this,  Bert,  dear? 

MAYME.  "  Bert,  dear !  "  So  you've  fell  for  him,  too, 
have  ytih  ? 

POLLY.     Who  are  you? 

MAYME.  Me?  Great  grief!  She  don't  know  me. 
Why,  I  thought  everybody  did.  I'm  Lulu  Paralyzer  of 
the  Hot  Shot  Burlesquers  playin'  down  at  the  Follies. 


36  WIVES    TO    BURN 

BERT.  Mayme,  a  joke  is  a  joke,  but  this  has  gone 
about  far  enough.  What  do  you  want  ? 

MAYME.  Now,  Bertie,  old  dear.  You  didn't  used  to 
talk  to  me  like  that. 

POLLY.     Didn't  used  to Bert,  who  is  this? 

MAYME.  Ain't  he  never  told  you  about  his  divorced 
wife? 

POLLY  (horrified}.     His — his  divorced  wife! 

MAYME.     Sure!    I'm  it! 

BERT.     Why,  Mayme ! 

POLLY.  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me  that  you,  you  were 
married  to  him?  (Points  to  BERT.) 

MAYME  (fixing  her  hair}.  Yep!  I  was  his  sweet 
cookie  once  upon  a  time. 

BERT.  Now  cut  this  out,  Mayme !  I  can  stand  a  joke 
as  well  as  any  one,  but  this  is  past  all  endurance. 

MAYME.  It's  a  "  past "  all  right  but  it  was  never  no 
joke  to  me.  When  a  perfectly  respectable  innocent  girl 
divorces  her  husband  to  marry  you  and  you  turn  her 
down  flat  after  they've  been  married  two  months,  it's  far 
from  being  a  joke,  I'll  tell  the  world. 

DICK  (coming  down-stairs}.  Hello,  Mayme!  You 
and  Bert  made  up? 

POLLY  (to  BERT).  Oh,  you  monster!  You  male  vam 
pire  !  And  to  think  I  trusted  you.  I'll  never  forgive 
you,  never!  Here's  your  ring.  (Throws  ring  at  BERT'S 
feet.}  Good-bye!  [Exits  c.  D.  R. 

BERT.  Polly!  Polly,  I  say!  (Picks  up  ring.}  Her 
ring!  (Sits  at  table.}  She's  thrown  me  down!  Now 
what  will  I  do? 

f     MAYME  (goes  to  BERT  and  holds  her  face  close  to  his). 
You  might  kiss  your  little  Lulu,  Bertie  dear ! 


CURTAIN 


ACT  II 
SCENE. — The  same  as  in  ACT  I. 

(Characters  should  occupy  same  positions  as  those 
which  they  held  at  close  of  ACT  I.) 

BERT  (speaks  as  though  dazed}.  She  threw  me  down, 
and  gave  me  back  my  ring ! 

DICK  (motions  to  MAYME  and  they  go  extreme  L., 
BERT  paying  no  attention  to  them).  He's  taking  it  pretty 
hard. 

MAYME.  He'll  get  over  it.  Wait  until  he  gets  his 
mitts  on  that  $400,000.  I  didn't  think  it  was  gonna  be 
so  easy.  We  can  let  the  harem  go  now,  can't  we  ? 

DICK.  Not  on  your  life!  There  might  be  a  come 
back.  You  take  a  run  up-stairs.  (Starts  MAYME 
toward  stairs.)  I'll  stay  and  try  to  hammer  into  his  head 
that  he  really  was  married  to  you.  Trot  along.  (MAYME 
goes  toward  stairs,  chucking  BERT  under  chin  as  she 
passes  him.  He  pays  no  attention  to  her.  She  exits  by 
stairs,  laughing.  DICK  slaps  BERT  on  shoulder.)  Cheer 
up,  old  chap.  It  might  be  worse! 

BERT.  But  she  threw  me  down,  she (Rises.) 

vVhy  did  Mayme  tell  that  lie? 

DICK.     What  lie  ? 

BERT.  Now  don't  you  try  to  run  anything  in  on  me. 
/ou  know  what  I  mean;  about  her  being  my  divorced 
/ife.  You  know  I  never  had  a  wife  and  of  course 
ouldn't  be  divorced. 

DICK.  How  should  I  know?  I  don't  believe  Mayme 
'ould  tell  anything  but  the  truth. 

BERT  (astounded).  What!  You  too!  Now,  Dick! 

'ou  know  better  than  that.  You  know  I  never  was 

m  going  to  find  her  and  straighten  this  thing  out. 

37 


38  WIVES   TO    BURN 

She'll  believe  me,  I  know  she  will.  (Starts  C.  D.,  meeting 
BETTY  as  she  enters. )  Well !  Can't  you  watch  where 
you  are  going?  [Exits  c.  D.  R. 

BETTY.  Of  all  the  rude,  impertinent  men  I  ever  met, 
Bert  Parker,  you  have  them  all  beat. 

DICK.     You  here,  too,  Betty? 

BETTY.  Certainly!  (Goes  forward.')  I  took  an 
apartment  here  with  Polly  Palmer.  That  reminds  me; 
I  came  to  see  what  happened  to  her.  She  came  tearing 
into  our  room  a  moment  ago  as  though  shot  out  of  a 
gun.  I  asked  her  what  was  wrong  and  she  nearly  took 
my  head  off.  Do  you  know  what's  the  matter  ? 

DICK  (with  elaborate  indifference).  N-n-no,  I  can't 
say  that  I  do. 

BETTY.     Can't  or  won't? 

DICK.     Whichever  you  prefer. 

BETTY.  What's  the  matter  with  you,  Dick  Girard? 
For  the  last  two  weeks  you  haven't  been  like  yourself. 
You've  ignored  me,  simply  ignored  me,  as  though  I  had 
the  plague.  (Pauses  a  moment  and  glances  at  DICK.) 
You  proposed  to  me  almost  every  day  for  months  and 
two  weeks  ago  you  quit.  Why? 

DICK.  You  didn't  expect  me  to  keep  it  up  forever,  did 
you?  Your  last  answer  satisfied  me. 

BETTY.  My  last  answer?  Dick  dear,  just  what  was 
my  last  answer  ? 

DICK.     As  though  you  could  forget  that! 

BETTY.     Then  you  were  perfectly  satisfied  with  it? 

DICK.     Absolutely,  my  dear. 

BETTY.     Then  why  have  you  changed  so  lately? 

DICK.  Oh,  I  guess  I  met  another  girl.  Hollywood 
is  full  of  them,  you  know.  [Exits  by  stairs,  smiling. 

BETTY.     The  mean,  hateful,  nasty  thing! 

POLLY  (enters  c.  D.  R.).  We  are  going  to  leave  this 
house  right  away,  Betty  King! 

BETTY.     Oh,  are  we?    You  may  be;  I'm  not. 

POLLY.     But  I  can't  stay,  Betty,  I  just  can't ! 

BETTY.     Why  ? 

POLLY.     Well,  just  because. 

BETTY.     Not  a  very  good  reason,  my  dear.     I  like  it 


WIVES    TO    BURN  39 

here;  it's  close  to  the  studio  and  I  haven't  found  out 
which  of  those  two  fellows  I  promised  to  marry  yet. 

BERT  (enters  c.  D.  R.).  Polly!  You  don't  believe  her 
story  about  me,  do  you?  Say  you  don't!  Please  do. 
( POLLY  tosses  her  head  and  turns  her  back  to  him.) 
Betty !  You  talk  to  her.  You  tell  her. 

BETTY.     Tell  her  what? 

BERT.     That  I'm  not  married. 

BETTY.     Who  said  you  were? 

BERT.  Mayme  said  I  was  married  to  her  and  di 
vorced  

POLLY.     There !     You  know  her  name,  don't  you  ? 

BERT.  Of  course  I  know  her  name.  Why  shouldn't 
I  ?  I've  lived  with  her  ever  since  I  came  to  Los  Angeles. 

POLLY.     Lived  with  her ! 

BERT.  You  know  what  I  mean.  Boarded  with  her, 
here  in  this  house. 

POLLY.  All  right !  Stay  with  her !  I'm  sure  /  don't 
want  you.  [Exits  c.  D. 

BETTY  (puzzled).    What's  it  all  about? 

BERT.  That's  what  I'm  trying  to  find  out.  (Sits  on 
divan,  BETTY  sitting  beside  him.)  Polly  and  I  were  en 
gaged.  We  never  had  the  date  set  for  the  wedding  but 
she  was  all  the  world  to  me.  Just  imagine,  Betty.  Sup 
pose  you  were  all  the  world  to  somebody 

BETTY.     Oh  !    I  am !    I  am ! 

BERT.     You  are? 

BETTY.     Yes,  and  I  don't  know  who  to,  but  go  on. 

BERT.  To-night,  as  you  know,  Polly  took  a  room  here 
with  Aunt  Hetty  and  I  thought  how  nice  everything  was 
going  to  be  and  then  Mayme  came  in  and  for  some  rea 
son  or  other  "  busted  "  it,  "  busted  "  it  flat. 

BETTY.     How  ? 

POLLY  (enters  c.  D.  dressed  for  street).  I  am  sorry 
to  leave  you,  Betty,  but  if  you  won't  go,  I  must.  I  am 
?oing  back  to  Mrs.  Stoneman's.  If  you  decide  to  come 
!ater  I  will  be  glad  to  have  you. 

BERT  (going  toward  POLLY).    Polly! 

(She  turns  her  back  on  him.) 


40  WIVES    TO    BURN 

POLLY  (starts  for  door) .    Good-night ! 

BETTY  (intercepting  her).  Don't  be  a  fool,  Polly,  just 
because  you  know  how.  Suppose  he  was  married  to 
this  Mayme,  whoever  she  may  be.  He  is  divorced  from 
her,  I  suppose.  I'll  get  out  and  you  can  talk  things  over. 
(Whispers.)  Show  a  little  bit  of  horse  sense,  at  least. 

[Exits  c.  D. 

BERT.  Why,  Polly,  I've  known  Mayme  Clifford  for 
the  past  three  years. 

POLLY.     Most  people  do  know  their  wives. 

BERT.  Why  won't  you  believe  me?  She  never  was 
my  wife.  She  has  simply  roomed  here.  She  has  been 
just  like  a  sister  to  me.  She  is  a  mighty  good  scout  and 
I  suppose  this  is  her  idea  of  a  joke  (MAYME  at  head  of 
stairs.)  but  I  don't  get  it. 

POLLY.     Are  you  telling  the  truth,  Bert? 

BERT.     Of  course  I  am. 

POLLY.  And  you  never  cared  for  this  Mayme  a  little 
bit? 

BERT.  Care  for  Mayme  Clifford  in  comparison  with 
you  ?  Most  certainly  not ! 

POLLY.     If  you  are  sure? 

BERT  (takes  her  hands).  Sure?  Of  course  I  am! 
(Leads  her  to  zvindow.)  There's  no  one  on  the  porch. 
Suppose  we  go  out  there  and  talk  things  over  where  we 
won't  be  disturbed.  [They  exit  window. 

(MAYME  goes  to  window  and  looks  out  as  GERT  ap 
pears  at  head  of  stairs. ) 

GERT.     Pssst !    Pssst !    Do  Hi  bust  in  'ere  ? 

MAYME  (at  foot  of  stairs).  No,  you  bust  out!  Beat 
it! 

RICH  (at  top  of  stairs).  Here,  Gert!  How  did  you 
get  here?  Don't  do  anything  until  I  tell  you.  Go  on  up 
to  the  room  and  stay  there.  (Goes  down-stairs.) 

GERT.     But  when  do  Hi  bust  in  ? 

RICH.     I'll  tell  you  when  to  "  bust  "  in.    Now  git ! 

GERT.  Well,  when  Hi  do  bust  in,  you're  sure  'e  won't 
bash  me? 

RICH  (runs  up-stairs  and  shoves  her  off).    If  he  don't 


WIVES    TO    BURN  4! 

I  will!  Go  back  where  you  came  from  and  stay  there! 
(GERT  exits.)  Aunt  Het  was  right.  (Goes  down 
stairs.)  That  girl  will  run  me  into  nervous  prostration 
if  this  thing  don't  come  to  a  head  quick.  First  she  wants 
to  "  bust "  in ;  then  she's  "  skeered  "  to  death  and  wants 
to  "  bust  "  out. 

DICK  (enters  stairs').     How's  things  going,  sister? 

MAYME.    They've  made  up. 

DICK  (coming  down-stairs).     No! 

MAYME  (going  to  window).    Look! 

(All  look  out  window.) 

DICK.  I'll  tell  the  world  they  have.  Oh,  Mama! 
(They  go  back  c.)  Now  what? 

MAYME.     The  harem  lady,  of  course.     Where  is  she? 

DICK.     Out  on^the  back  porch. 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen).    Has  any  one  seen  Bert? 

MAYME.     I'll  say  we  have. 

RICH  (looking  toward  window).    You  and  me  both. 

AUNT.  Please  do  not  use  such  English !  You  know 
how  I  dislike  slang.  Have  you  seen  anything  of  my 
nephew,  Mr.  Parker?  I  have  a  letter  for  him. 

MAYME  (going  to  window).    Have  a  look! 

AUNT  (looks  out  window).  Why,  the  bold  thing! 
(Short  pause.)  Oh!  The  idea!  Her  head  is  on  his 
shoulder ! 

MAYME.  For  the  love  o'  mud !  Where'd  yuh  suppose 
it  would  be? 

AUNT.     And  he  has  his  arm  around  her  waist ! 

DICK.     I  wish  mine  was  there ! 

AUNT  (puts  hand  over  her  eyes).  Oh!  He  kissed 
icr! 

RICH.     Darned  fool  if  he  didn't. 

AUNT  (going  c.).  When  he  is  through  give  him  this 
etter. 

(Gives  letter  to  DICK  and  exits  kitchen.) 

GERT  (at  head  of  stairs).    Now  do  Hi  bust  hin? 

MAYME.  "\ 

DICK.        [    No ! 

RICH.       3  [GERT  exits. 


42  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME.     She'll  queer  this  thing  yet ! 
(Goes  to  window.) 

DICK  (putting  letter  in  pocket).  Rich,  you  go  out  and 
line  up  the  harem.  Have  them  all  ready  in  the  hall  when 
needed  and  be  sure  no  one  sees  you.  I  thought  Mayme 
had  things  all  fixed  but  evidently  he  has  recovered  from 
that  blow. 

MAYME.     They're  coming  in! 

DICK.     Come  on !    Let's  beat  it !          [All  exit  c.  D.  L. 

BERT  (enters  window  with  POLLY).  Aren't  you 
ashamed,  dear,  of  having  doubted  me? 

(They  sit  divan.} 

POLLY.  Yes,  I  am;  I'll  admit  it  frankly.  I  don't 
know  what  could  have  gotten  into  me  and  I'll  never  do  it 
again.  I  might  as  well  confess,  Bert,  that  one  of  my 
failings  is  a  little  trace  of  jealousy.  I  feel  ashamed  of  it, 
but  I  just  can't  help  it. 

BERT.  You  can  trust  me,  dear,  never  to  give  you  any 
cause  for  being  jealous  of  me.  (STEVE  and  JACK  ap 
pear  c.  D.,  DICK  ana?  RICH  behind  urging  them  in.  As 
BERT  and  POLLY  turn,  DICK  and  RICH  disappear.) 
What  have  we  here?  (Goes  toward  c.  D.)  Looks  like 
an  ad  for  Fatimas. 

STEVE  (clears  throat  loudly  and  advances  majestically 
toward  center  of  stage,  follozved  by  JACK).  Is  the  Hon 
orable  Effendi  Parker  within? 

(BERT  L.  c.,  POLLY  L.,  STEVE  R.  c,  JACK  R.) 

BERT.  My  name  is  Parker,  but  I  don't  know  about 
the  Effendi  end  of  it.  Who  are  you  ? 

STEVE  (aside  to  JACK,  zvho  should  be  close  behind 
him).  Jiminy!  What  is  my  name? 

JACK  (aside,  shrugs  shoulders).     Search  me! 

STEVE  (aside  to  BERT).  My  name?  What  matters  a 
name?  A  Turk 

JACK  (aside).  By  any  other  name  would  smell  as 
strong. 

STEVE  (aside).  Shut  up!  (Aloud  to  BERT.)  My 
name  is  Ibriham. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  43 

BERT.     All  right,  Ibbie,  what  can  I  do  for  you? 

STEVE  (taking  letter  from  bosom).  I  have  here  a  let 
ter  from  the  solicitor  of  thine  uncle,  the  Effendi  Daniel. 

BERT  (taking  letter).  From  his  solicitor?  I  have 
been  looking  for  a  letter  from  Uncle  Dan  for  a  long  time. 
(Opens  and  reads  letter.)  Uncle  Dan  dead!  When  did 
he  die? 

STEVE  (to  JACK).    When  did  he  die? 

JACK.     Search  me! 

STEVE  (to  BERT).  Er,  two  months  ago,  your  excel 
lency. 

BERT.  No  wonder  I  didn't  hear  from  him.  What  was 
the  cause  of  his  death? 

JACK  (aside,  pulling  STEVE'S  garment).  Let's  get  out 
of  here.  He's  asking  too  many  questions. 

STEVE  (aside).    Shut  up! 

BERT  (looking  up  from  letter).    What  did  you  say? 

STEVE.  He  died  of — of — of (Is  reaching  back 

pulling  JACK'S  clothes  to  have  him  help  him;  aside.) 
What  did  he  die  of  ?  What  did  he  die  of  ? 

JACK  (aside).     Search  me! 

STEVE  (gives  JACK  a  jab  in  the  ribs;  aside).  What  did 
he  die  of? 

JACK  (aside,  angry).     Aw!    Tell  him  the  itch! 

STEVE.     He  died  of  the  itch. 

-    The  itch ! 

STEVE.  Yes,  Hungarian  itch.  The  kind  you  scratch. 
[Illustrates.)  You  know. 

( POLLY  and  BERT  look  at  each  other.) 

JACK  (aside).  How  could  he  die  of  the  Hungarian 
fch  and  live  in  Turkey? 

STEVE  (aside  to  JACK).  You  shut  up!  (To  BERT.) 
"inish  the  letter,  Effendi. 

BERT  (reads).  "You  have  no  doubt  heard  of  the  de- 
lorable  conditions  in  Turkey.  Your  uncle  lost  prac- 
cally  all  his  money  before  his  death."  (Speaks.)  No 
onder  he  stopped  sending  me  my  $50  per.  (Reads.) 


44 


WIVES   TO    BURN 


"  However,  there  was  enough  left  to  bury  him  decently. 
Before  he  died  he  made  one  request,  which  he  stated, 
considering  all  he  had  tried  to  do  for  you,  he  knew  you 
would  not  refuse  honoring.  He  is  sending  you  his  fa 
vorite  wife,  asking  that  you  keep  and  guard  her  well." 
(Speaks.)  His  favorite  wife?  How  many  had  he? 

STEVE.    Fifty-seven,  Effendi. 

JACK.  Yes,  fifty-seven  different  varieties.  I'm  the 
biggest  pickle  in  the  bunch. 

STEVE  (aside,  kicking  backward  at  JACK).  Shut  your 
fool  mouth ! 

BERT  (reads').  "He  made  the  request  that  you  take 
her  into  your  home  and  care  for  her  as  your  own,  as  a 
little  recompense  for  what  he  had  tried  to  do  for  you 
ever  since  your  mother  died.  His  last  request  was  that 
if  you  felt  you  owed  him  anything  you  would  be  good  to 
Little  Bevo!"  (Speaks.)  Little  Bevo! 

JACK  (runs  to  BERT;  kneels  and  bows  his  head  to  the 
floor).  Here  I  am,  Master!  ( POLLY  shows  anger.) 

BERT  (stepping  back).  Here!  Cut  that  out!  This 
isn't  Turkey.  (To  STEVE.)  But  what  am  I  to  do  with 
her? 

POLLY.     Send  her  right  back  to  Turkey,  of  course ! 

BERT.     But,  Polly  dear 

POLLY.  Don't  "  Polly  dear  "  me !  Get  rid  of  that  aw 
ful  woman.  Look  at  her !  She  isn't  half  dressed. 

JACK  (rises  and  goes  over  his  clothing).  I  have  'em 
on  right,  haven't  I? 

STEVE  (grabs  him  and  shoves  him  R.,  standing  be 
tween  him  and  BERT).  Cut  it  out,  you  fool.  Cut  it  out! 

BERT.     Now  look  here,  Abie 

STEVE  (bending  very  low).    Ibriham,  Effendi! 

BERT.  All  right,  Ibriham.  I  can't  keep  that  Turkish 
cigarette  here. 

JACK  (aside).  Did  you  hear  what  he  called  me?  I 
won't  stand  for  that. 

STEVE.  Hold  your  horse.  Do  you  want  to  queer  the 
whole  thing?  (To  BERT.)  It  was  thine  uncle's  express 
command  that  his  beloved  wife  Bevo  be  given  a  home  by 
his  most  beloved  nephew,  the  Honorable  Effendi  Parker. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  45 

(Bozvs.)  If  he  does  not  take  her  and  care  for  her  the 
jewels 

POLLY.     Jewels!    What  jewels? 

STEVE  (turning  to  POLLY  with  a  look  of  disdain}.  Be 
silent !  Woman !  By  the  Beard  of  the  Prophet !  Didst 
thou  belong  to  me  I  would  teach  thee  when  to  speak  and 
when  to  hold  thy  tongue. 

POLLY  (aghast).  Why,  why (To  BERT.)  Are 

you  going  to  stand  there  and  let  him  insult  me  like  this  ? 

BERT.  Look  here,  Ibriham,  you  may  talk  to  a  woman 
like  that  in  Turkey  but  we  don't  do  it  in  America. 

STEVE  (waves  his  hand  as  though  it  were  a  matter  of 
no  consequence).  Let  it  pass,  let  it  pass.  Why  should 
we  disturb  ourselves  over  the  blatting  of  a  female? 

(MAYME,  RICH  and  DICK  seen  at  window.) 

POLLY.  Female!  Blatting  of  a  female!  (Half  cry 
ing.  )  Bert !  He  called  me  a  female  and  he  says  I 
b-b-blat ! 

BERT.  Oh,  for  heaven's  sake,  Polly !  Let  him  get 
through  with  his  story.  What  about  the  jewels? 

STEVE.  The  jewels,  Effendi,  are  priceless.  They  are 
worth  a  fortune  and  they  all  go  to  thee,  provided  thou 
dost  provide  a  home  for  this  pearl  of  the  Orient,  (Points 
to  JACK.)  this  star  of  the  evening,  this  dream  of  delight, 
beside  whom  yon  woman  (Points  to  POLLY.)  looks  as 
does  the  cumbersome  elephant  when  compared  to  the 
graceful  gazelle! 

(MAYME,  RICH  and  DICK  convulsed  with  laughter.) 

POLLY  (gasping).  Bert!  He  called  me  an  elephant. 
(Cries.)  I  won't  stand  for  it,  I  tell  you  I  won't. 

BERT.     Oh,  Polly,  please  have  a  little  sense. 

POLLY.  A  little  sense!  You  stand  there  and  tell  me 
to  have  a  little  sense  when  a  man  stands  there  and  calls 
me  an  elephant  right  to  my  face.  Boo-hoo!  (Cries.) 

BERT.     He's  only  a  Turk. 

POLLY.  I  don't  care  what  he  is.  He's  no  gentleman  ; 
neither  are  you  or  you  wouldn't  allow  him  to  speak  to  me 


4.6  WIVES    TO    BURN 

like  he  has.  I'm  through  with  you.  Through!  Do 
you  understand?  Through!  [Exits  c.  D.  R.  crying. 

BERT  (looking  after  her}.  About  the  best  thing  she 
does  is  get  through  with  people. 

STEVE.  Pay  no  attention  to  her,  Effendi.  Why  should 
you  care?  You  still  have  Bevo. 

BERT.     Bevo !    I  don't  want  Bevo ! 

JACK  (aside}.  Neither  do  the  rest  of  us,  but  it's  all 
we  can  get. 

STEVE.  And  now,  Effendi,  if  there  is  a  place  where 
we  can  converse  in  peace,  I  will  tell  thee  about  the  jewels. 

BERT.  The  jewels?  Oh,  yes.  I  might  as  well  hear 
of  them.  There  may  be  some  good  come  of  this  after 
all.  Come  up  to  my  room.  [Exits  stairs. 

STEVE  (at  foot  of  stairs}.  Now  you  shut  your  face, 
Jack,  and  keep  it  shut  and  don't  queer  this.  If  you  do, 
how  are  we  ever  going  to  get  home  ? 

JACK.     Oh,  all  right !  [  They  exit  by  stairs. 

(MAYME,  RICH  and  DICK  enter  from  window.} 

RICH.  Once  more  she's  thrown  him  down !  It  ought 
surely  to  stick  this  time.  Now  all  we  need  is  the  fat 
woman. 

MAYME.  Gee!  Ain't  that  Steve  a  wonderful  liar! 
His  beloved  Bevo  and  the  jewels.  What  did  he  run  the 
jewels  in  for? 

DICK.     I  suppose  he  had  to  get  his  story  across. 

RICH.  But  what  are  we  going  to  do  for  them?  Bert 
will  be  sure  to  want  to  see  them. 

GERT  (at  top  of  stairs}.     Is  it  me  plyce  to  bust  in? 

MAYME  "| 

DICK        [    (together}.     No! 

RICH 

DICK.     'E  'as  went. 

GERT  (coming  down-stairs').  Ho  Lud!  And  Hi 
missed  'im. 

RICH._  You're  lucky  you  did.  He  has  just  had  an 
other  wife  wished  on  him  and  he  mightn't  be  in  a  very 
good  humor.  Had  you  been  here  he  might  have 
"bashed  "you. 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


47 


GERT  (clasping  hands  and  assuming  a  woebegone  ex 
pression}.  Oh,  if  only  some'un  'ud  wish  a  'usband  on 
me.  Hi  would  love  'im  and  love  'im  and  love  'im.  Oh, 
'ow  Hi'd  love  'im ! 

MAYME.  You  did  that  just  like  Mary  Lamson,  Gert, 
when  she  played  in  Merely  Mary  Ann. 

RICH.  You're  bugs,  Mayme.  Comparing  Aunt  Het's 
dishwasher  with  the  leading  movie  actress  of  America. 

GERT  (eagerly).  Do  Hi  look  like  'er?  Do  Hi,  hon 
est? 

(DiCK  stands  off  to  one  side,  watching  GERT  intently.) 

RICH.     By  George !    You  do,  a  little. 

MAYME.  Go  on !  I  didn't  say  she  looked  like  her.  I 
said  she  did  that  (Assumes  same  position  and  expression 
as  GERT  had.)  just  like  her. 

STEVE  (rushes  down-stairs).  Get  some  jewels,  quick! 
He  wants  to  see  them. 

DICK.  What  in  thunder  did  you  say  anything  about 
jewels  for?  How  are  we  going  to  get  any? 

STEVE.  That  isn't  up  to  me.  Get  them  and  get  them 
quick.  (Runs  up-stairs  and  exits.) 

RICH.  Now  we're  in  a  nice  fix.  We  must  have  some 
jewels  or  he  will  catch  on. 

GERT.     'Ow  many  must  you  'ave? 

MAYME.  It  don't  make  any  difference.  The  more 
the  better. 

DICK.  It  isn't  necessary  that  they  be  real.  Any  old 
thing  will  do  that  looks  like  a  jewel.  He  won't  know  the 
difference. 

GERT.  Diamonks  and  saffriars  and  rubyses  and 
pearles  and  all  them? 

RICH.     Sure !    Any  old  thing  just  so  they're  jewels. 

GERT.     Leave  it  to  me.     Hi'll  get  'em. 

[Exits  to  kitchen. 

RICH.     Go  to  it.     We'll  leave  it  to  you  all  right. 

DICK.  That's  one  thing  we  don't  need  to  worry  about. 
('Phone  rings.)  Now  what? 

RICH  (at  'phone).     Yes,  this  is  Hollywood  543 • 


48 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


Mr.  Parker?  Just  a  moment.  (Puts  hand  over  re 
ceiver.}  They  want  to  talk  to  Bert. 

MAYME.     I'll  bet  a  cow  it's  the  fat  woman's  lawyer. 

DICK.     Tell  them  Bert  isn't  here  and  take  the  message. 

RICH  (in  'phone).  Sorry,  but  Mr.  Parker's  out  just 
at  present. 

DICK.     Find  out  who  is  speaking. 

RICH.     Who    is    this    speaking,    please? Oh, 

yes!  Just  a  moment.  (To  DICK.)  It's  Brent  & 
Ketcher,  lawyers,  and  they  want  Bert  and  his  three  hun 
dred  pounds  of  girl  in  their  office  at  nine  o'clock  to 
morrow  morning. 

DICK.     Get  their  address  and  we'll  have  them  there. 

RICH     (in    'phone).     Your    address,    please 

Suite  908  Van  Nuys  Building.  (DiCK  writes  address  on 
slip  of  paper  which  he  puts  in  pocket.)  All  right.  I'll 
tell  Mr.  Parker.  (Hangs  up  'phone.)  Well!  The  ex 
ecutors  of  the  Perkins  will  want  the  lucky  man  and  his 
three-hundred-pound  bride  in  their  office  to-morrow 
morning  at  nine  o'clock.  Now  what? 

DICK.  Where,  oh  where,  are  we  going  to  get  a  woman 
that  weighs  three  hundred  pounds? 

MAYME  (starting  c.  D.).  I'm  going  to  find  one  if  I 
have  to  knock  her  down  and  drag  her  in  by  the  heels. 

{Exits  c.  D. 

RICH  (struck  with  an  idea).  The  City  Employ 
ment  Agency,  up  on  Franklin  Street.  We  sure  ought  to 
get  one  there.  All  hired  girls  are  fat.  (Starts  c.  D.) 

DICK.     It  won't  be  open  at  this  time  of  night. 

RICH.     Then  I'll  try  the  City  Jail.     It's  always  open. 

DICK.  Just  so  you  get  somebody.  I'll  stick  around, 
for  it  takes  somebody  to  watch  things. 

(DiCK  exits  stairs,  RICH  c.  D.  Door-bell  rings  three 
times.  UNCLE  enters  c.  D.  ;  looks  around  room. 
Lays  hat  on  table;  drums  fingers  on  table  for  a  mo 
ment.  Looks  around  room  again  as  though  expect 
ing  some  one  to  enter.  Finally  goes  back  looking  at 
pictures,  etc.  Works  around  to  window  and  looks 
out  window,  hidden  by  the  curtains.) 


WIVES    TO    BURN  49 

POLLY  (enters  c.  D.,  followed  by  BETTY).  There  is  no 
use  in  you  talking  to  me  this  time.  I  am  going.  Luck 
ily  we  haven't  moved  any  of  our  things  over  yet. 

(UNCLE  turns  toward  them.) 

BETTY.  All  right,  go!  You  are  making  a  fool  of 
yourself  just  the  same.  It  isn't  his  fault  if  the  woman 
was  wished  on  him.  Use  your  brains  a  little  bit. 

POLLY.  But  to  have  that  half -dressed  heathen  around 
the  house  all  the  time.  I  couldn't  stand  it. 

BETTY.  Not  even  to  get  the  fortune  in  jewels  which 
you  say  he  gets  if  he  takes  care  of  the  whatever-you- 
call-it? 

POLLY.  No !  I  looked  over  that  Lulu  Paralyzer  af 
fair.  I  can't  say  I  like  Miss  Clifford's  idea  of  a  joke, 
but  I  can  look  over  it,  but  this  —  I  love  him,  but  he 
can't  make  a  fool  of  me.  (Starts  toward  c.  D.) 

BETTY.  Dick  made  me  acquainted  with  Miss  Clifford 
and  she  really  isn't  so  bad.  I  rather  like  her.  Possibly 
if  you  made  an  effort  you  could  learn  to  like  Bevo. 
( POLLY  tosses  her  head.)  That  is,  if  the  jewels  were 
thrown  in. 

POLLY.     No!     I'm  done.     (Again  starts  c.  D.) 

UNCLE  (coming  from  behind  curtain).  Excuse  an 
old  man  for  meddling  into  your  affairs,  my  dear,  but  I 
couldn't  help  hearing  you.  I  take  it  from  your  conver 
sation  you  have  had  some  kind  of  a  quarrel  with  your 
lover. 

POLLY.     Well,  yes. 

UNCLE.  And  that  you  are  determined  to  break  your 
engagement,  or  has  it  gone  that  far? 

POLLY.     Yes,  it  has,  and 

UNCLE.  If  it  has  gone  that  far,  take  an  old  man's 
idvice  and  think  twice  before  you  do  anything  rash. 

BETTY.     That's  just  what  I  told  her ! 

POLLY.  You  told  me  not  to  make  a  fool  of  myself 
ust  because  I  knew  how.  That's  what  you  told  me. 

BETTY.     Same  thing. 

UNCLE.  I  would  like  to  tell  you  a  little  story,  if  I 
lay? 


CQ  WIVES    TO    BURN 

(Looks  toward  POLLY.     She  doesn't  answer  and  he 
turns  to  BETTY.) 

BETTY.     Sure !    Sure !  Go  right  ahead. 

(BETTY  sits  divan,  UNCLE  beside  her.     POLLY  looks  at 
them,  hesitates  a  moment  and  then  sits  with  them.) 

UNCLE  (speaking  to  POLLY).  When  I  was  about  your 
age,  my  dear,  I  was  in  love  with  a  very  beautiful  girl, 
but  I  was  jealous,  very,  very  jealous.  (BETTY  looks  at 
POLLY  meaningly.  POLLY  tosses  her  head  and  looks 
away  from  her.)  I  loved  this  girl  with  my  whole  heart 
and  soul  but  I  was  continually  imagining  things  until  I 
no  doubt  made  her  life  miserable.  One  night  I  was 
working  late  and  as  I  went  home  I  walked  around  by  her 
house,  as  lovers  frequently  do,  very  foolishly,  of  course, 
and  I  saw  her  bid  a  young  man  a  very  affectionate  fare 
well  on  her  front  doorstep.  I  was  angry,  went  to  my 
room,  packed  my  bag  and  left  town  the  next  morning.  I 
didn't  even  have  the  courtesy  to  write  and  ask  her  for 
an  explanation,  which,  of  course,  was  not  due  me,  al 
though  I  thought  it  was  at  the  time.  I  left  the  city  and 
buried  myself  in  an  out-of-the-way,  God- forsaken  hole, 
and  two  years  afterward,  through  a  letter  from  a  friend, 
I  found  that  Henrietta  had  only  been  bidding  a  cousin, 
who  had  unexpectedly  called,  a  fond  good-bye  before  he 
left  for  Montana.  I  had  made  a  fool  of  myself,  ruined 
her  life  and  mine,  for  we  loved  each  other  dearly,  all  be 
cause  I  was  jealous.  (POLLY  shows  she  is  affected  by 
the  story.)  Had  I  only  been  man  enough  to  write  then 
and  ask  forgiveness,  but  no.  I  was  too  proud.  Pride 
and  jealousy  always  run  together.  So  I  stuck  it  out  in 
my  chosen  corner  of  the  world  in  silence.  (Shakes  his 
head. )  But  it  taught  me  a  lesson,  my  child,  it  taught  m?. 
a  lesson !  Since  then  I  have  trusted  those  I  love.  Now 
won't  you  take  my  story  to  heart?  Won't  you  think 
twice  before  you  do  something  that  may  mean  years  of 
suffering  to  you? 

POLLY  (crying).     Y-y-y-yes,  I  w^l.     I  thank  you  for 


WIVES    TO    BURN  5! 

telling  me  and  I  will  go  and  talk  it  over  with  him. 
(Starts  c.  D.)  Bert!  Bert  dear!  [Exits  c.  D. 

BETTY.  If  she  hadn't  sense  enough  to  thank  you,  I 
have.  Bert's  a  good  fellow  and 

UNCLE.     Bert !     Bert  who  ? 

BETTY.     Bert  Parker.     The  man  she  quarreled  with. 

UNCLE.  Bert  Parker!  Is  she  engaged  to  Bert  Par 
ker?  Well!  Weil!  Well!  I  came  all  the  way  from 
Turkey  just  to  surprise  him.  He's  my  nephew. 

BETTY.  I  am  glad  you  got  here  just  when  you  did,  for 
you  saved  her  from  doing  something  she  would  be  sorry 
for.  Polly  is  a  fine  girl,  but  jealous!  On  my!  The 
green-eyed  monster  gets  hold  of  her  every  time  Bert 
looks  crooked  and  it's  about  time  she  was  getting  cured. 

UNCLE.  I  like  her  looks—  (AUNT  enters  from 
kitchen,  going  toward  stairs.)  Henrietta! 

(Goes  toward  AUNT  with  hands  outstretched.) 
AUNT.  Daniel ! 

(Starts  toward  him,  notices  BETTY  and  stops.) 
BETTY.  Oh,  don't  mind  me!  I'm  on  my  way. 

(Puts  hand  up  as  screen  between  herself  and  them  and 
ex-its  c.  D.) 

UNCLE  (as  he  leads  AUNT  to  divan}.  Can  you  ever 
forgive  me  for  being  such  an  idiot? 

AUNT.  Of  course  I  can,  although  you  don't  deserve 
it. 

UNCLE.     I  know  it,  but  you  always  were  an  angel. 

AUNT.  Humph!  I  don't  think  I  ever  heard  of  an 
ingel  wearing  glasses  or  keeping  boarders. 

UNCLE.  You  are  adorable,  Henrietta,  boarders,  nose- 
glasses  and  all. 

AUNT  (musingly}.  Henrietta!  It  has  been  years 
ince  I  was  called  that,  Daniel. 

UNCLE.  And  it  has  been  years  since  I  was  called 
)aniel.  In  Turkey  they  always  called  me  Old  Dan. 

AUNT.     Turkey!     How  could  you  stay  in  that  hor- 


52  WIVES    TO    BURN 

rible  hole  where  a  man  has  as  high  as  fifty  wives: 
(Looks  at  him  sharply.)  How  many  wives  have  you 
Daniel? 

UNCLE  (smiling).  None,  none  at  all.  I  hope  to  ha\"(. 
one  soon,  though. 

AUNT.     Daniel ! 

GERT  (enters  from  kitchen  with  paper  sack  containing 
jewels.  Is  all  out  of  breaih).  'Ere  they  be! 

(AUNT  and  UNCLE  jump  up.) 

AUNT.     What  have  you  got  ? 
GERT.     Why,  why,  heggs  for  breakfast,  ma'am. 
AUNT.     Eggs  for  breakfast?     What  are  you  making 
such  a  hullabaloo  about  the  eggs  for  ?    Give  them  to  me 

(Reaches  for  sack.) 

GERT  (puts  sack  behind  her).  Oh,  no,  ma'am.  Yoi 
don't  want  'em.  (Starts  backing  out  kitchen  door.) 

AUNT.  Of  course  I  want  them.  What  are  you  run 
ning  around  with  them  for?  Give  them  to  me. 

GERT.  Please,  ma'am,  you  don't  want  'em.  Hi'll  pu 
'em  in  the  hice-box,  ma'am.  You  sit  down,  please 
ma'am,  and  they'll  be  put  right  away,  ma'am. 

[Exits  backward  into  kitchen 

AUNT  (looking  after  her  puzzled).  There  is  some 
thing  wrong  here.  She  was  never  willing  to  do  anything 
before.  I'm  going  to  see  what's  up. 


(Starts  toward  kitchen  but  UNCLE  detains  her. 
should  work  in  such  position  that  their  backs  art 
toward  kitchen  door.) 

UNCLE.     Let    us    finish    our    conversation.     Let    th( 
maid  attend  to  the  eggs. 

(During  next  conversation  GERT  stealthily  enters  fron 
kitchen  and  edges  out  c.  D.  with  package.) 

AUNT.     No!    She   is  hiding  something   from   me.     1 
know  it.     It  is  easily  seen,  Daniel,  you  have  never  had  to 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


53 


deal  with  housemaids,  especially  of  the  English  variety. 
Heaven  only  knows  what  she  has  in  that  package,  but  I 
am  sure  it  is  something  she  doesn't  want  me  to  see  so 
that  is  just  the  reason  why  I  am  going  to  see  it. 

(Starts  tozvard  kitchen.) 

UNCLE.     But,  Henrietta 

AUNT.  We  can  finish  our  conversation  later.  I  sim 
ply  must  know  what  that  girl  is  doing.  You  may  come, 
too,  if  you  wish.  [Exits  kitchen,  followed  by  UNCLE. 

GERT  (enters  c.  D. ).  Where  is  everybody?  I  gotta 
find  somebody  quick ! 

DICK  (enters  by  stairs').     Have  you  got  them? 

GERT.  Yes,  'ere  they  be.  Tyke  them !  (Hands  bag 
to  DICK.)  Tyke  them,!  (Forces  them  on  DICK.) 

DICK  (takes  package).  Fine,  Gert!  You  were  right 
on  the  job.  (Opens  bag.)  Why,  Gert!  Where  did 
you  get  all  these  so  quickly  ? 

GERT.  Don't  arsk  me.  Just  take  good  care  of  'em 
and  give  'em  back  to  me  when  you're  through  with  'em. 

DICK.  But  Gert,  I (Looks  at  her  closely.) 

Look  here,  Gert.  What  game  are  you  playing?  I  don't 
believe  you  are  as  dumb  as  you  pretend  to  be.  I  believe 
you  would  be  a  mighty  fine  looking  girl  if  you  cleaned 
yourself  up,  put  on  a  decent  dress  and  combed  your  hair. 
Do  you  know  with  some  good  clothes  you  would  be  al 
most  a  dead  ringer  for  Mary  Lamson. 

GERT  (giggling).  Aw,  go  on!  Mr.  Dick,  you're  just 
a-spoofin'  me. 

DICK.  Holy  Hat!  Spoofing!  No,  Gert,  I  am  not 
"  spoofing  "  you.  I  am  telling  you  the  truth.  Why  do 
you  stay  here  and  be  Aunt  Het's  drudge  ?  You  could  do 
something  better,  I  know  you  could. 

GERT.  There  hain't  nothin'  Hi'm  good  for,  Mr.  Dick, 
only  washin'  dishes  and  scrubbin'  floors. 

DICK.  By  George!  I  have  it.  They  say  Miss  Lam- 
son  is  a  regular  angel  to  help  people  and  I  know  she 
could  find  a  place  for  you  around  her  dressing-room 
somewhere.  I'll  ask  her. 


54 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


GERT.     But  she's  out  of  the  city. 

DICK  (quickly).     How  did  you  know  that? 

GERT  (confused).  Oh,  the  pypers  is  full  of  it.  Lord 
love  ye!  You  would  think  she  was  the  Hempress  of 
Indier  or  somethin'  like  that  from  the  "way  people  talk 
about  'er.  Hi  don't  think  she  can  be  so  much  at  that. 

DICK.  We'll  have  no  comments  on  Miss  Lamson, 

Gert.  She's Well,  she's  one  of  the  finest  girls  I 

ever  saw,  although  I  never  much  more  than  spoke  to  her, 
as  she's  a  star  while  I'm  only  an  office  accountant,  but  I 
have  heard  of  some  of  the  wonderful  things  she  has 
done. 

GERT.     But  she's  a  stuck-up,  painted 

DICK.  That  will  do!  We  will  change  the  subject. 
We've  .got  to  get  this  thing  we're  working  on  brought  to 
a  climax,  Gert.  The  Perkins  lawyer  wants  Bert  with  his 
three-hundred-pound  bride  at  his  office  in  the  morning. 
Mayme  and  Rich  are  out  scouting  for  a  three  hundred 
pounder  and  one  of  them  will  be  successful,  I'm  sure. 
When  they  get  back  we'll  make  Bert  come  across,  but  to 
do  that  we  must  be  sure  Polly  is  out  of  the  road.  She's 
"  put "  now  and  I  hope  she  stays  "  put "  until  we  get 
Bert  disposed  of,  but  if  she  don't  I  will  get  the  two  of 
them  down  here  somehow  and  you  pull  off  the  stunt  we 
had  you  lined  up  for.  Understand,  you  are  his  wife. 
He  deserted  you  and  Little  Billy  three  years  ago  and  you 
have  just  traced  him  down.  Tell  your  story  good  and 
the  money  is  yours.  Possibly  we  won't  need  you,  but  if 
we  do,  be  ready. 

GERT  (her  knees  trembling).  Ho  Lud!  Hi'm  skeered. 
Hi  know  'e'll  bash  me,  Hi  know  it. 

DICK  (shakes  her).  Don't  be  foolish.  He's  too  much 
of  a  gentleman  to  strike  you.  You  go  out  on  the  porch 
and  stay  there  until  I  call  for  you,  and  when  I  do,  come 
a-running  to  meet  your  husband. 

GERT.  Hi'll  do  it  for  you,  Mr.  Dick,  but  'e'll  bash  me, 
Hi  know  'e  will. 

DICK.  Oh,  go  along  with  you.  (Shoves  her  out  win 
dow.  Then  takes  jewels  and  looks  for  place  to  hide 
them.  Finally  puts  them  under  pillow  on  couch  and 


WIVES   TO    BURN 


55 


starts  c.  D.  Stops  and  begins  searching  his  pockets. 
Mutters.)  Where  in  blazes  did  I  put  that  address? 
Don't  want  to  lose  that.  (Finds  letter  given  him  by 
AUNT.  Turns  it  over  two  or  three  times.)  Mr.  Bert 
Parker.  Humph!  (Finally  looks  around  stage,  then 
opens  letter  and  reads  it.  Sinks  on  divan  in  daze  as 
BETTY  enters  c.  D.)  Now  the  fun  will  commence. 

BETTY.     Heard  bad  news,  Dick? 

DICK.  Bad  news?  I  should  say  so!  (Hands  her 
letter,  which  she  takes.)  Read  that!  No!  No!  You 
can't  read  it.  (Jerks  letter  from  her.)  This  is  awful. 
(Starts  walking  back  and  forth  across  stage  excitedly.) 
What  are  we  going  to  do?  He'll  be  sure  to  spill  the 
beans.  Why  couldn't  he  have  stayed  in  Turkey  ? 

BETTY  (following  DICK).  Why  couldn't  who  have 
stayed  in  Turkey?  What  are  you  talking  about? 

DICK.  Bert's  Uncle  Dan.  Here's  a  letter  from  him. 
He's  coming  to  see  Bert.  Says  he  expects  to  arrive  on 
the  fifteenth.  That's  to-day. 

BETTY.  Well,  what  of  it?  What's  the  matter  with 
Bert's  uncle?  I  think  he  is  a  very  nice  old  man. 

DICK.     You  think!     What  do  you  know  about  him? 

BETTY.  Not  very  much;  I  only  talked  to  him  about 
ten  minutes. 

DICK.     When? 

BETTY.     About  ten  minutes  ago. 

DICK.     Where? 

BETTY.     Right  here. 

DICK.     In  this  room? 

BETTY.  Certainly  in  this  room.  What's  the  matter 
with  you,  Dick  Girard? 

DICK.  Great  snakes!  You  mean  to  say  that  he's 
here,  now? 

BETTY.  Of  course  he's  here.  I  just  told  you  I  talked 
;o  him  not  more  than  ten  minutes  ago.  Only  for  him 
Polly  would  have  broken  her  engagement  to  Bert.  He 
ixed  it. 

DICK  (staggered).     He  what? 

BETTY.     He  fixed  it  up  and  everything's  lovely  again. 

DICK.     And  he  got  Polly  to  go  back  to  Bert? 


56  WIVES    TO    BURN 

BETTY.  He  certainly  did,  and  I  think  it  was  real  nice 
of  him  to  take  such  an  interest  in  a  stranger. 

DICK.  Oh,  you  do,  do  you?  Well,  the  meddlesome 
old  cuss !  He  would  be  better  off  in  Turkey,  where  he 
belongs.  We  had  everything  going  good  until  he  butted 
in.  But  now,  he's  here  and  Little  Bevo's  here  and  Ibri- 
ham's  here  and  Bert's  here,  or  ought  to  be,  and  the  jewels 
are  here  too,  and — and — and — (Becoming  confused.) 
I'm  through  !  (Starts  for  stairs.) 

BETTY  (grabs  his  coat  and  pulls  him  back  to  divan). 
Now  sit  down  there,  Dick  Girard,  and  tell  me  what's  the 
matter  with  you. 

(Seats  him  on  divan  and  sits  beside  him.) 
DICK  (hands  her  newspaper}.     Read  that! 
(Points  to  paragraph.} 

BETTY  (glances  over  article}.     Well,  what  of  it? 

DICK.     Bert's  the  guy ! 

BETTY  (astonished).     You  don't  mean  it! 

DICK.     I  most  certainly  do ! 

BETTY.  They  drew  his  name  from  among  all  the 
young  men  in  Los  Angeles  ? 

DICK.  Exactly!  Four  hundred  thousand  dollars! 
Just  think  of  it,  Betty!  And  here  he  is  so  tied  up  with 
Polly  Palmer  that  he  won't  even  look  at  another  girl. 
We  made  up  our  minds  that  he  is  going  to  get  that  money 
whether  he  wants  to  or  not.  That  was  why  Mayme 
claimed  him  as  her  divorced  husband. 

BETTY.     But  I  don't  see  how  that  would  help  any. 

DICK  (impatiently).  So  Polly  would  throw  him 
down  and  leave  him  free  to  marry  the  fat  girl.  Use 
your  brains ! 

BETTY.     And  the  favorite  wife  from  Turkey? 

DICK.  Some  more  of  the  scheme.  And  now  his 
uncle  is  here 

BETTY.     That's  right. 

DICK.  And  he'll  queer  the  whole  thing  just  when  it 
was  going  good. 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


57 


STEVE  (rushes  down-stairs).  The  jewels!  The  jew 
els  !  I  can't  hold  him  much  longer. 

DICK.  Get  out  of  here !  I'll  bring  them  up  in  a  min 
ute. 

STEVE.     Be  quick  or  things  will  go  kerflooey. 

[Exits  by  stairs. 

DICK  (takes  bag  of  jewels  from  under  cushion,  where 
he  had  placed  it,  and  removes  lavallier,  which  he  shows 
to  BETTY,  putting  bag  on  the  divan).  What  do  you 
think  of  that? 

BETTY  (takes  lavallier  and  examines  it  closely,  then 
looks  at  DICK  suspiciously).  What  is  this  for? 

DICK.  Oh,  we  intended  using  the  jewels  to  string  him 
along  until  we  get  him  married  to  the  fat  girl. 

BETTY.     Where  did  you  get  this? 

DICK.  Gert  got  it  some  place.  I  suppose  from  some 
costumer. 

BETTY.     Who  is  Gert? 

DICK.     The  hired  girl  here.     She's  helping  us  out. 

BETTY.  She  never  got  this  from  a  costumer.  This 
lavallier  is  worth  a  little  fortune,  and  I  know  who  it  be 
longs  to. 

DICK.     Who  ? 

BETTY.     Mary  Lamson. 

DICK.  Mary  Lamson,  the  movie  queen?  You're 
crazy ! 

BETTY.  No,  I'm  not,  and  I  can  prove  it.  I  played 
the  maid  in  her  last  picture ;  you  remember,  "  The 
Queen's  Temptation."  She  wore  this  lavallier  in  the 
coronation  scene.  I  know,  for  I  handled  it  many  a  time. 
Luckily  I  have  one  of  her  pictures  in  my  hand-bag  which 
shows  her  wearing  it.  Come,  and  I'll  show  you. 

[They  exit  c.  D.  R. 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen,  followed  by  UNCLE). 
You  were  fortunate,  Daniel,  you  didn't  have  the  servant 
question  to  contend  with  in  Turkey.  Servants  are  sim- 
aly  terrible  since  the  war  and  almost  impossible  to  get. 
Take  that  girl  Gert,  for  instance :  you  can  never  depend 
m  her  or  know  five  minutes  beforehand  what  she  is  go 
ng  to  do  next.  She  was  to  put  those  eggs  in  the  ice- 


58  WIVES    TO    BURN 

box,  although  why  she  was  running  around  with  a  sack 
of  eggs  at  this  time  of  night,  I  can't  say;  you  saw  they 
were  not  there.  What  could  she  have  done  with  them? 

UNCLE  (who  has  been  standing  near  couch,  picks  up 
bag  from  couch  where  DICK  placed  it}.  Here  they  are! 

AUNT.  And  a  pretty  place  for  them!  (Takes  bag.} 
Suppose  some  one  had  sat  down  on  them.  And  how  did 
they  get  here,  I  should  like  to  know?  We  both  saw  her 
take  them  into  the  kitchen.  Just  wait  until  I  find  her 
and  I  shall  tell  her  a  few  things. 

UNCLE.  Don't  be  harsh  with  the  girl,  Henrietta.  Be 
sides,  can't  we  sit  down  and  have  a  talk  ?  I  haven't  seen 
you  for  about  thirty  years,  and  it  seems  to  me  there  are  a 
lot  more  important  things  to  talk  about  than  eggs. 

AUNT.  Indeed !  And  them  selling  at  one  dollar  a 
dozen  ?  It  is  easily  seen  you  are  not  running  a  boarding- 
house.  As  I  am,  I  must  see  to  it  that  things  are  pre 
pared  for  breakfast.  If  you  want  to  talk,  come  out  to 
the  kitchen.  There  is  plenty  of  room  there  and  I  can 
hear  you  just  as  well  as  I  can  here. 

(Exits  kitchen.     UNCLE  smiles  and  follows.) 

RICH  (enters  c.  D.  and  looks  around  room,  standing 
near  door.  Tiptoes  into  hallway  and  motions  off  stage  L. 
A  very  large  woman  enters,  gorgeously  dressed,  wearing 
heavy  face  veil}.  Now  be  careful!  Don't  say  a  word 
and  stay  right  where  I  put  you,  and  whatever  you  do, 
don't  come  out  until  I  call  you.  You  understand? 

WOMAN.     Yes,  I  understand. 

RICH.  I'll  put  you  in  the  library.  No  one  ever  goes 
in  there,  so  you  will  be  perfectly  safe  until  wanted.  Now 
come  on  and  I'll  tell  you  exactly  what  to  do. 

[They  exit  to  library. 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen,  very  angry,  with  UNCLE). 
Don't  talk  to  me !  Not  another  word,  Daniel !  I  shall 
call  the  police.  The  girl  is  a  thief.  Where  would  she 
get  such  a  collection  of  jewels  unless  she  stole  them? 

UNCLE.  But  Henrietta!  Why  don't  you  ask  her? 
Give  her  a  chance  to  explain. 

AUNT.     You  mean  give  her  a  chance  to  get  away. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  59 

No !     I  shall  call  the  police  and  they  can  deal  with  her. 

(At   'phone.)     Main   8110 Police   Department? 

Send  an  officer  to  7542  Merford  Avenue,  Hollywood,  at 
once.  I  have  secured  possession  of  some  stolen  jewels 
and  if  you  hurry  };ou  can  probably  catch  the  thief. 

(Hangs  up  'phone.) 

UNCLE.  But  suppose  the  girl  is  innocent?  If  you 
would  only  speak  to  her  she  could  probably  explain  how 
they  came  into  her  possession. 

AUNT.     Let  her  do  her  talking  to  the  police. 

[Exits  to  kitchen. 

STEVE    (on  stairs).     I   simply  can't  hold  him  much 

longer    without    the    jewels.      He    wants    to    see 

(Looks  around  stage.)     Where's  the  other  fellow? 

UNCLE.  Never  mind  the  other  fellow.  What  did  you 
say  about  jewels? 

STEVE  (at  foot  of  stairs).  Why  shouldst  thou  ques 
tion  me?  By  the  Beard  of  the  Prophet,  if  I  had  thee  in 
Turkey 

UNCLE.     Turkey !    What  do  you  know  about  Turkey  ? 

STEVE.  What  do  I  know  about  Turkey?  Thou  ask- 
est  me,  Ibriham  Ben  Hassam,  what  I  know  about  Tur 
key?  Who  art  thou  to  question  such  a  personage  as  I? 
Who  art  thou,  I  ask  thee? 

UNCLE.     My  name  is  Daniel  Easton,  and 

STEVE.     Daniel  Easton !     You  Daniel  Easton  ? 

UNCLE.     Yes,  I  am  Daniel  Easton. 

STEVE.     Stevie,  this  is  no  place  for  you. 

(Holds  blouse  out  in  front,  as  though  leading  self  off 
stage.     Exits  by  stairs.) 

UNCLE  (looks  after  him  a  moment).  The  man  must 
)e  crazy.  [Exits  to  kitchen. 

RICH  (at  library  door).  Now,  I've  told  you  every- 
hing.  Stay  right  there,  do  as  I  have  told  you  and  there 
s  a  nice  little  pile  of  money  in  it  for  you. 

MAYME  (enters  c.  D.  L.).     I  couldn't  get  a  darn  thing 


60  WIVES    TO    BURN 

but  a  Woppess  with  eight  little  Wops  and  I  knew  he'd 
never  stand  for  them. 

RICH  (going  to  her}.  Say!  Wait  until  you  see  what 
I've  got.  She's  a  pippin!  (Draws  outline  of  a  very 
large  -woman  in  air  with  his  hands.}  I  think  she's  got 
about  a  sixty-two  waist.  Come  on !  I'll  show  you. 

[They  exit  to  library. 

BERT  {enters  stairs.  Has  STEVE  by  collar  with  one 
hand,  JACK  with  the  other}.  Now  produce  the  jewels. 
I  believe  you  are  stringing  me.  You  say  you  have  them  ? 
All  right,  where  are  they? 

STEVE.  I  sent  a  messenger  for  them  and  he  hasn't  re 
turned  yet.  That's  what  I  came  down-stairs  for  those 
two  times. 

BERT.  Why  in  blazes  couldn't  you  tell  me  that  up 
stairs  ?  Come  on !  We'll  beat  it  back  to  my  room  be 
fore  any  one  sees  us.  If  they  did,  they  would  think  I  was 
starting  a  side-show. 

JACK.     But,  Effendi 

BERT.  Now  don't  talk  back,  Little  Buttercup.  If  I 
have  to  keep  you  I  want  the  wherewith  to  do  it  with. 

[They  exit  by  stairs. 

DICK  (enters  c.  D.  with  BETTY).  I  would  never  have 
believed  it.  How  on  earth  did  she  get  them?  We  must 
have  her  take  them  back  at  once.  (Goes  to  couch  and 
reaches  for  bag. }  They're  gone ! 

(Searches  frantically  for  them.} 

BETTY.  Gone!  (Helps  him  search.}  Why  on  earth 
didn't  you  keep  them  when  you  had  them? 

DICK.  You  startled  me  so  when  you  told  me  who 
they  belonged  to  that  I  walked  off  and  forgot  them,  but  I 
know  I  put  them  on  the  divan. 

BETTY.     Well,  they  are  not  here  now. 

GERT  (at  window}.     Is  this  me  plyce  to  bust  in? 

DICK  (runs  to  window,  followed  by  BETTY.  They 
grab  GERT,  one  on  each  side,  and  bring  her  front} .  You 
bet  your  sweet  young  life  this  is  your  place  to  bust  in. 
Where  did  you  get  those  jewels? 

GERT.    "Where  did  I  get  'em? 


WIVES    TO    BURN  6l 

DICK.  Yes,  where  did  you  get  them  ?  Come  across ! 
Do  you  want  to  get  us  all  in  jail?  How  did  you  get  hold 
of  them? 

GERT  (innocently).     Why,  I  just  took  them. 

BETTY.  She  just  took  them!  Could  you  beat  it ?  She 
just  took  them! 

DICK  (shaking  her).  Great  heavens!  Girl!  Don't 
you  see  the  fix  you  are  in?  You  are  liable  to  be  sent  to 
jail!  So  am  I!  So's  Rich!  So's  Mayme!  They  are 
liable  to  pull  the  house  if  this  is  found  out. 

GERT.  Pull  the  'ouse?  Now  wouldn't  that  be  ex- 
citin'  ? 

BETTY.  You're  talking!  It  would  be  exciting,  all 
right,  but  I  don't  want  to  be  here  when  it  comes  off,  so 
I'm  going  to  get  out.  (Starts  C.  D.) 

DICK  (stopping  her).  Betty,  don't  leave  me  in  the 
lurch !  There's  nobody  else  here.  I'm  depending  on 
you  to  help  me. 

BETTY.  Nothing  doing!  When  the  police  come  in,  I 
go  out !  [Exits  c.  D. 

DICK.  A  nice  pickle  you've  gotten  us  into,  a  nice 
pickle ! 

GERT.     What's  hup  ? 

DICK.  "What's  hup?"  Oh,  nothing  much!  The 
•ewels  have  been  stolen,  that's  all.  What  in  .the  name 
)f  common  sense  ever  made  you  do  such  a  thing,  Gert? 

Didn't  you  know Oh,  there  is  no  use  in  talking; 

hey' re  gone  and  we've  got  to  find  them. 

GERT.     But  I  gyve  them  to  you  to  take  care  of  them. 

DICK.  I  know  you  did  and  I  laid  them  on  the  divan 
or  a  moment  and  some  one  took  them.  (Again  starts 
unting  for  jewels.}  We  must  find  them,  Gert,  we 
lust. 

GERT  (assisting  him).  'Oo  do  you  suppose  could  'a' 
>ok  'em? 

DICK.  How  should  I  know?  Don't  ask  such  fool 
icstions.  If  I  knew  who  took  them  I  would  get  after 

em  and  get  them  back.  Get  busy  and  don't  talk  so 
uch.  You  got  me  into  this  mess  by  swiping  the 
wels 


6l  WIVES    TO    BURN 

GERT.     But  Hi  didn't  swipe  'em. 

DICK.  Who  else  did?  You  didn't  take  them  away 
any  place,  did  you  ? 

GERT.  Hi  gyve  'em  to  you  and  Hi  ain't  seen  'em 
sincet. 

DICK  (studies  a  moment).  I  wonder  if  those  two 
galoots  up-stairs  got  their  hooks  on  them.  I'll  bet  that's 
where  they  are.  I'll  go  up  and  see.  You  take  a  look 
around  the  porch.  Hurry ! 

[Exits  by  stairs,  GERT  at  window. 

POLLY  (enters  c.  D.,  looks  around  room  a  moment, 
then  goes  part  way  up-stairs  and  calls,  softly).  Bert! 
(Pause.)  Bert! 

BERT  (at  top  of  stairs').  You  keep  your  eye  on  them, 
Dick,  until  I  get  back.  (Comes  down-stairs.)  Polly! 
You've  forgiven  me,  haven't  you? 

POLLY.  It's  you  that  should  forgive  me.  I  per 
mitted  my  jealousy  to  get  the  better  of  me  again.  I  do 
trust  and  believe  in  you,  Bert,  and  when  we  get  married 
I'll  be  the  best  little  wife 

BERT.     Get  married !    Let's  do  it  now.     Let's  elope ! 

POLLY.     Oh,  Bert !    That's  just  what  we'll  do. 

BERT.  You  go  and  get  your  coat  and  hat  and  when 
you  come  back  I'll  be  right  here  waiting  for  you.  Don't 
be  long,  for  it  will  only  take  me  a  minute  to  get  my  coat 
and  hat.  We'll  scoot  down  to  Santa  Anna,  get  married 
and  be  happy  ever  after. 

POLLY  (at  c.  D.).     Bert,  you're  a  dear! 

BERT.     I've  always  known  it. 

(POLLY  exits  c.  D.  R.  and  BERT  starts  up-stairs  whis 
tling.  ) 

AUNT  (at  kitchen  door  with  UNCLE).  Bert!  Come 
here  a  moment.  (BERT  goes  down-stairs  unwillingly.) 
I  have  the  biggest  surprise  for  you. 

BERT.  Surprise  ?  I'll  bet  it's  nothing  to  the  one  I  am 
going  to  hand  you. 

AUNT.  Oh,  yours  can't  possibly  equal  mine.  When 
did  you  hear  from  your  Uncle  Dan  last  ? 


WIVES    TO    BURN  63 

BERT.  Uncle  Dan?  Oh,  not  very  long  ago.  Had 
some  mighty  good  news,  too.  He's  dead. 

UNCLE  (amazed).    What! 

BERT.  Yep.  Died  two  months  ago  and  left  me  a 
little  fortune  in  jewels  provided  I  take  care  of  his  fa 
vorite  wife,  Little  Bevo.  He  sent  her  to  me  and  she's 
some  swell  little  teaser,  I'll  tell  you.  She  just  arrived. 
She's  up-stairs  now. 

AUNT.     Up-stairs  ?    Now  ? 

BERT.  Sure!  And  say,  Aunt  Hetty,  she's  a  dream. 
Cutest  little  trick  you  ever  saw,  although  what  in  the 
name  of  the  Lord  I  am  going  to  do  with  her,  I  don't 
know.  Wait!  I'll  show  you.  (Goes  to  foot  of  stairs 
and  calls.)  Hey!  Ibbie!  Shoot  a  little  Bevo  down 
this  way.  (Returns  c.) 

AUNT  (to  UNCLE).  So!  I  suppose  a  man  is  never 
too  old  to  be  found  out.  I  might  have  known  you 
couldn't  live  all  these  years  in  Turkey  without  being 
contaminated.  Your  favorite  wife!  How  many  more 
have  you? 

UNCLE  (pleading').  None,  Henrietta.  This  is  all  a 
mistake.  I  can 

AUNT.  Leave  my  house!  That's  the  best  thing  you 
can  do. 

BERT.  What's  all  the  row?  (To  AUNT  confi 
dentially.)  Who's  the  old  bird?  (JACK  enters  stairs.) 
Ah !  Here  she  is !  Here's  my  little  Pearl  of  the  Orient. 
Some  pippin,  isn't  she? 

(Turns  JACK  around  for  inspection.) 

AUNT.  Pearl  of  the  Orient !  (To  UNCLE.)  You  de 
ceiver  !  And  to  think  I  trusted  you.  This  is  the  second 
time  you  have  failed  me.  I'll  never  trust  you  again, 
lever!  [Exits  to  kitchen. 

UNCLE  (to  BERT).  This  is  all  your  fault,  you  young 
ackanapes!  And  after  all  I  have  done  for  you,  too. 
'11  attend  to  you  later.  [Exits  to  kitchen. 

BERT.  I  don't  know  what's  the  matter  with  the  old 
;uy,  but  I'm  too  happy  to  care.  I'll  tell  you  something, 


64  WIVES    TO    BURN 

Bevo.  In  about  one  hour  and  thirty  minutes  I  am  going 
to  be  the  happiest  young  man  in  Southern  California. 
Do  you  know  why? 

(DiCK  at  head  of  stairs.) 

JACK.     No,  Effendi. 

BERT.  No?  Well,  I'll  tell  you.  Because  in  another 
hour  and  a  half  the  sweetest  little  girl  in  Southern  Cali 
fornia  is  going  to  be  Mrs.  Bert  Parker,  do  you  see? 
So  if  you  are  a  good  little  Turk  I'll  let  you  dance  at  my 
wedding.  That  is  if  you  know  how  to  do  any  of  the 
American  dances.  Do  you? 

(DiCK  has  edged  down-stairs  to  c.  D.) 

JACK.     A  little,  Effendi. 

BERT.  A  little?  That  will  never  do.  Here,  I'll  show 
you.  (They  start  to  dance  the  one-step  and  DICK  slips 
out  window.)  My!  You  are  heavy  on  your  feet.  Feels 
like  dragging  around  a  ton  of  brick.  Put  a  little  pep 
into  it,  a  little  ginger.  (Dances  a  moment.)  There! 
That's  better. 

(They  dance  to  extreme  L.  of  stage,  away  from  win 
dow.) 

DICK  (in  window,  with  GERT).  Polly's  coming  up  the 
hall.  Now's  your  chance  to  pull  off  your  stunt.  Go  to 
it!  (Is  shoving  her  into  room,  GERT  holding  back.) 

GERT.     But  the  jewels? 

DICK.     They  can  wait.     Hustle! 

(Shoves  her  inside  room,  as  POLLY  appears  c.  D. 
POLLY  stops  in  c.  D.,  horrified  at  seeing  BERT  danc 
ing  with  BEVO.  DICK  remains  in  window.) 

GERT  (crossing  stage  and  throwing  arms  around 
BERT'S  neck).  'Eart  of  me  'eart !  'Ave  Hi  found  you 
at  last ! 

BERT  (amused).    Why  all  the  mush,  Gert? 

GERT  (removing  arms).    Mush 'e  calls  it !    Mush!    Hi 


WIVES    TO    BURN  65 

calls  it  tragedy,  Hi  does.  Hi  comes  in  'ere  and  finds  me 
'usband  dancin'  with  that  shameless  creature  (  POLLY 
gasps  at  word  husband.}  and  when  in  the  face  of  hit  Hi 
'ugs  'im  'e  calls  it  mush.  (Cries.)  Oh,  'usband 
dear 

BERT.  Another  one !  It  seems  I  have  wives  to  burn 
to-night.  Now  look  here,  Gert,  I 

GERT.  Don't  you  go  a-perjurin'  of  yourself  and  say 
you  don't  know  me.  Oh,  'usband  dear!  Me  'cart's  jest 
a-floppin'  around  hinside  me  chest  like  Jonar  in  the 
whale's  belly,  for  love  of  you.  (Again  throws  arms 
around  BERT.)  And  you  ain't  forgot  Little  Billy,  'ave 
you? 

POLLY  (going  front).    Little  Billy! 

DICK  (aside).    Great! 

BERT  (crosses  to  POLLY,  GERT  hanging  to  him,  while 
DICK  steps  outside  where  he  can  remain  unseen).  For 
heaven's  sake,  Polly,  pay  no  attention  to  Gert.  I  don't 
know  what's  gotten  over  her  that  she  should  act  like  this. 

POLLY  (crying).  And  you  know  her,  too!  Oh,  this  is 
too  much,  too  much  !  ( Cries. ) 

BERT  (trying  to  unloosen  GERT'S  arms).  Gert,  for 
heaven's  sake 

GERT.     Oh,  Hi'm  goin'  to  'old  you  for  ever  and  ever. 

DICK  (solemnly).    Amen! 

POLLY.  Oh,  you  are?  (Tries  to  jerk  GERT  away 
from  BERT.  )  Let  go !  You  shameless  woman !  Let  go ! 

GERT.  Shameless?  'E's  me  'usband,  ain't  'e?  Now 
Hi  'ave  'im  where  Hi  can  stick,  Hi  sticks,  Hi  does. 

POLLY  (going  toward  c.  D.).  And  I  believed  you  this 
time.  To  think  that  I  was  going  away  with  you,  too. 
I  suppose  I  should  be  thankful  that  she  found  you  when 
she  did,  if  for  nothing  else  but  for  the  sake  of  L-L-L-L- 
Little  B-B-B-B-Billy! 

BERT.  Oh,  Polly,  listen  to  me.  I  have  no  Little  Billy 
or  Little  Tommy  or  Little  Johnny  or  — 

POLLY.  No,  this  has  taught  me  a  lesson.  I'm  through 
Aath  you  this  time,  through.  Here's  your  ring.  (Takes 
BERT',?  hand  and  puts  ring  in  it.)  All  I  ask  is  that  you 
)e  good  to  Little  B-B-Billy ! 


66  WIVES   TO    BURN 

(Cries  loudly  and  rushes  out  c.  D.  R.) 

BERT  (throws  GERT  aside}.  It  has  taught  you  a  les 
son,  has  it?  (Looks  out  c.  D.  R. )  Well,  if  it  has  taught 
you  one,  it  has  also  taught  me  one.  This  is  the  second 
time  you've  told  me  you  were  through  with  me  and  by 
George,  you  won't  have  an  opportunity  to  tell  me  so  the 
third  time.  I've  loved  that  girl,  Gert,  for  over  a  year,  and 
she's  kept  me  in  hot  water  all  the  time  through  her  jeal 
ousy.  This  time  I'll  teach  her  a  lesson.  I  don't  know 
why  you  did  this,  but  I  am  thankful  you  did,  for  I  was 
going  to  many  her,  Gert,  marry  her.  And  imagine  being 
tied  up  to  some  one  that  couldn't  trust  you. 

(Sits  divan  stunned.} 

GERT  (edges  toward  zvindow  as  DICK  enters  through 
window).  Now  what'll  Hi  do? 

DICK.  Beat  it  out  on  the  porch  and  see  if  you  can 
find  the  jewels.  (GERT  exits  window  while  DICK  crosses 
to  BERT  and  slaps  him  on  shoulder.}  What's  the  matter 
now? 

BERT  (without  raising  head}.  Oh,  she's  thrown  me 
down  again  and  given  me  back  my  ring. 

(RiCH  and  MAYME  at  library  door.} 

DICK.  Don't  take  it  so  hard,  old  chap,  she'll  come 
around. 

BERT  (jumping  up}.  She  won't  have  the  chance! 
This  was  just  once  too  often.  I'm  going  to  start  out, 
Dick,  and  I'm  going  to  marry  the  first  girl  I  meet  that 
will  have  me. 

RICH  (coming  forward}.  Now  you're  talking!  You 
just  wait  a  minute.  I  have  the  very  one  you  want.  She's 
good  looking  and  there's  lots  of  her. 

(Starts  toward  library.} 

BERT.  Bring  her  along.  I'll  teach  that  girl  a  lesson 
she'll  remember  this  time. 

RICH.     That's  the  way  to  talk.     (Motions  off  stage  at 


WIVES    TO    BURN  67 

library  door.     WOMAN  enters  and  stands  R.  c.)     There 
she  is !    What  do  you  think  of  her? 

BERT.  Gee  whiz!  I  said  girl,  not  girfs.  There's 
enough  of  her  to  make  a  young  ladies'  seminary. 
(Walks  around  WOMAN  looking  at  her.)  Let's  have  a 
look  at  your  face.  ( Throws  up  WOMAN'S  veil,  disclosing 
negress. )  Good-night ! 


CURTAIN 


ACT  III 

SCENE. — Same  scene  as  in  close  of  last  ACT  ;  one  min 
ute  later. 

(RiCH  at  window  with  BERT'S  coat  in  his  hands.  DICK 
and  MAYME  standing  c.) 

DICK.     Why  didn't  you  grab  him? 

RICH.     I  did. 

DICK.     Well,  then,  why  didn't  you  hold  him? 

RICH.  How  could  I  when  he  wiggled  right  out  of  his 
coat? 

MAYME.  Humph !  It's  a  wonder  he  didn't  wiggle  out 
of  everything  he  had  on  when  you  tried  to  stop  him  for 
that  three  hundred  pounds  of  blackness  to  get  her  hands 
on  him.  He  sure  went  out  of  that  window  in  a  hurry  and 
didn't  she  sail  after  him  ?  Oh  boy  ! 

DICK  (disgusted}.  That  was  a  nice  stunt  to  pull  off, 
wasn't  it? 

RICH  (coming  forward}.  How  was  I  to  know  she 
was  black? 

MAYME.     Yuh  still  got  your  eyes,  ain't  yuh? 

RICH.  Of  course  I  have  but  I  didn't  look  at  her.  She 
had  that  confounded  veil  down  all  the  time.  You  see  I 
went  up  to  the  city  jail  and  asked  the  desk  sergeant  if 
he  had  any  fat  ones  and  he  towed  her  out. 

DICK.     What  was  she  in  for? 

RICH.  Assault  and  battery  or  something  like  that. 
As  soon  as  I  saw  her  I  knew  she  was  the  one  I  wanted, 
so 

DICK.     A  negress? 

RICH.  But  I  didn't  know  she  was  a  negress.  She 
had  her  veil  down,  I  tell  you.  So  I  paid  her  fine  and 
asked  her  if  she  wanted  to  make  $25  and  she  — 

DICK.  But  that  has  nothing  to  do  with  you  bring 
ing 

68 


WIVES   TO    BURN  69 

RICH.  Now  wait  a  minute.  Then  I  explained  to  her 
what  we  wanted  and  I  was  so  busy  talking  to  her  that 
I  never  thought  of  asking  her  to  raise  her  veil,  so  you 
see {Shrugs  his  shoulders.) 

MAYME.  Of  all  the  boneheads  I  ever  met,  Rich 
Douglas,  you  take  the  tin  medal.  Now  the  question  is, 
how  are  we  gonna  get  him  back? 

DICK.  Go  after  him,  of  course.  (To  RICH.)  Now 
you  trot  right  out  of  that  window  and  don't  come  back 
here  without  him.  (Shoves  RICH  toward  window.) 
Beat  it ! 

RICH.     Why  pick  on  me?    I  just  got  in.    Why  don't 


you  go 


DICK.  Because  I  have  other  things  to  do  here.  Trot 
on! 

RICH  (grumbling).  Oh,  I'll  go,  but  I  never  dreamed 
helping  a  friend  into  $400,000  would  be  such  a  job  as 
this.  [Exits  window  with  BERT'S  coat. 

DICK.  Now  we  have  to  figure  out  some  kind  of  a 
plan 

RICH  (rushes  in  window,  closing  it  behind  him). 
There's  a  policeman  out  there  coming  up  the  walk.  I 
saw  him  when  I  was  down  at  Central  Station  a  little 
bit  ago. 

DICK.     The  jewels! 

RICH.     Why  should  he  be  after  the  jewels? 

DICK.  I  haven't  time  to  explain  now.  We've  got  to 
find  Gert.  Come  on. 

(Grabs  MAYME  and  RICH  by  the  arm  and  starts  to 
window. ) 

RICH  (holding  back).  No,  no!  Not  that  way.  He'll 
see  us. 

DICK.     Then  this  way.     (Starts  c.  D.) 
MAYME.     And  meet  him  comin'  in. 
DICK.     Then  up-stairs.    Come  on. 

(Starts  for  stairs.) 

RICH.  How  in  blazes  can  I  go  out  after  Bert  if  we 
go  up-stairs? 


70  WIVES    TO    BURN 

DICK.     You  can  slide  down  the  back  porch  roof. 

RICH.     And  break  my  blooming  neck. 

DICK.     Not  if  you're  careful.         [They  exit  by  stairs. 

GERT  (enters  window).  They  ain't  there,  so  'elp  me 
hif  they  are.  Hi've  'unted  and  'unted  and  'unted 

and (Stops  and  looks  around  stage.)  Ho!  Mr. 

Girard!  Where  you  be  'idin'  yourself?  (Goes  to  c.  D. 
and  meets  INSPECTOR  entering.)  'Oo  be  you? 

INSPECTOR.  I'm  Inspector  Clancy  from  Central  Sta 
tion.  There  was  a  call  from  this  house  about  a  half 
hour  ago  to  send  a  policeman  up  right  away. 

GERT.     A  policeman? 

INSPECTOR.     Yes,  a  policeman. 

GERT.     To  this  'ouse? 

INSPECTOR  (angrily).    Yes,  to  this  house. 

GERT.     Right  awye? 

INSPECTOR  (very  angry).    Yes!    Right  away! 

GERT.     This  is  no  plyce  for  me! 

(Rushes  into  library,  shuts  and  locks  door  after  her.) 

INSPECTOR  (at  library  door,  shaking  knob).  Here! 
Here!  What's  up?  (Pause.)  Why  don't  you  answer 
me?  (Pause.)  What's  the  meaning  of  this?  (Listens 
a  moment  and  then  tries  to  peep  through  keyhole. 
STEVE  and  JACK  come  down-stairs,  wearing  long  over 
coats,  their  Turkish  costume  showing  beneath  the  coat. 
They  notice  INSPECTOR  at  library  door  and  tiptoe  toward 
c.  D.  Just  as  they  reach  the  door  INSPECTOR  rises  and 
sees  them.)  Say!  (They  stop  suddenly  and  turn  facing 
INSPECTOR,  JACK  hiding  behind  STEVE  and  stooping  so 
his  overcoat  touches  the  floor.)  What's  going  on  here? 

STEVE.     Why,  why,  what's  the  matter? 

INSPECTOR.  There  was  a  'phone  call  from  this  house 
about  a  half  hour  ago  asking  that  a  policeman  be  sent 
here. 

JACK.     A  policeman ! 

(Gathers  overcoat  up  around  his  waist  and  runs  up 
stairs,  INSPECTOR  looking  after  him  in  amazement.) 


WIVES    TO    BURN  71 

INSPECTOR  (rubs  his  eyes  and  looks  up  the  stairs'). 
Did  I  see  that  or  didn't  1?  (Points  up-stairs.) 

STEVE.     See  what? 

INSPECTOR.  Say!  What's  the  matter  around  this 
joint  anyway?  I  just  saw  the  servant  girl  and  when  I 
told  her  I  was  a  policeman  she  ran  in  there  and  locked 

herself  in,  (Points  toward  library.)  and  now  that 

What's  wrong  around  this  place  anyway? 

STEVE.     How  should  I  know? 

INSPECTOR.  Well!  What  do  you  want  a  policeman 
for? 

STEVE.     Now  really,  Chief 

INSPECTOR  (swells  up  importantly).     Um  hum! 

STEVE  (noticing  the  impression  he  has  made).  Not 
having  made  the  call  to  which  you  refer,  I  of  course  can't 
say  just  what  is  wrong. 

INSPECTOR.  What  was  the  matter  with  that,  er,  well 
that  that  just  scooted  up-stairs  in  the  abbreviated  panta 
lets? 

STEVE  (in  matter-of-fact  tone).  Nothing,  nothing  at 
all !  We  were  just  going  out  to  a  masquerade  and  the 
lady,  of  course,  didn't  want  to  be  seen. 

INSPECTOR.  Lady!  Is  that  what  it  was?  (Goes  to 
foot  of  stairs  and  looks  up  stairs.)  But  why  did  that 
servant  girl  go  and  lock  herself  in  as  she  did?  You 
would  think  she  had  done  something  crooked  by  the  way 
she  beat  it  into  that  room.  (Crosses  to  library  and  tries 
door  which  he  now  finds  open.)  That's  funny!  I'm 
sure  I  tried  that  door  and  found  it  locked.  (Exits  into 
library.  STEVE  goes  to  door,  cautiously  reaches  around 
for  key,  locks  door  on  stage  side  and  then  starts  for 
stairs.  When  he  is  about  c.  of  stage  INSPECTOR  begins 
shaking  door.)  Here!  Let  me  out  of.  this!  What  did 
you  lock  me  in  for?  Let  me  out,  I  tell  you.  (Is  shaking 
door  violently.)  I'm  Inspector  Clancy  of  Central  Sta 
tion.  I'll  make  it  hot  for  somebody  if  you  don't. 

(Shakes  door.) 

DICK  (comes  down-stairs).    What's  up  now? 

STEVE.     The  servant  girl  is  in  there  with  a  policeman. 


72  WIVES    TO    BURN 

(INSPECTOR  shakes  door  and  calls:  "Let  me  out,  I 
tell  you,  let  me  out") 

DICK.  Worse  and  more  of  it.  What's  she  doing  in 
there  ? 

STEVE.  I  don't  know.  I'm  giving  you  what  he  told 
me.  (Points  to  library.) 

DICK  (goes  to  library  door  to  listen.  INSPECTOR 
shakes  door  violently  and  calls:  "  Are  you  going  to  let 
me  out?  I'm  Inspector  Clancy,  and  I  tell  you  I'll  make 
it  hot  for  somebody."  DICK  jumps  away  from  door  as 
INSPECTOR  begins  to  shake  it).  He'll  have  the  whole 
neighborhood  out  if  he  keeps  that  up.  (Notices  STEVE'S 
overcoat.)  What  are  you  doing  with  my  overcoat? 

STEVE.  Well,  you  see  Jack  and  I  borrowed  a  couple 
of  coats  we — er,  found  up-stairs.  We  decided  to  make 
our  getaway. 

DICK.     I  don't  blame  you.    I  would  myself  if  I  could. 

STEVE.  And  we  bumped  into  the  cop  right  here.  It 
seems  he  had  already  run  into  Gert  and  she  ran  in  there 
and  locked  the  door. 

DICK.     Bully  for  Gert! 

STEVE.  The  cop  tried  to  find  out  what  he  was  wanted 
here  for  and  when  I  couldn't  give  him  any  information 
he  tried  the  door  again  and  found  it  unlocked.  He  went 
in  and  I  locked  him  in.  Now,  you  just  hold  him  here 
long  enough,  please,  until  Jack  and  I  get  away.  We 
didn't  have  the  smallpox.  All  we  did  was  sleep  in  a 
hotel  with  a  fellow  that  did. 

DICK.  Man,  he's  after  bigger  fry  than  two  fellows 
that  escaped  from  the  pest-house.  In  some  way,  I  can't 
say  just  how,  Mary  Lamson's  jewels  got  into  this  house 
and  now  they  have  disappeared.  That's  what  he's  after. 

STEVE.     Mary  Lamson,  the  movie  queen? 

DICK.  Yes,  Mary  Lamson  the  movie  queen.  Gert 
got  her  jewels  somehow  and  brought  them  here  in  a  sack, 
just  like  you  would  two-bits  worth  of  spuds,  and  them 
worth  a  hundred  thousand  or  so.  That's  what  we  get  for 
you  running  that  jewel  business  in.  I  had  them  a  mo 
ment,  laid  them  on  the  divan,  and  now  they're  gone. 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


(Loud  noise  in  library.') 


73 


AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen).  What  is  that  noise? 
That  is  the  second  or  third  time  I've  heard  it. 

DICK.     Well,  you  see,  Miss  Bingle,  that  is,  er 

(Motions  for  STEVE  to  help  him  out.) 

STEVE.     It's  this  way,  Mrs. 

AUNT.     Who  are  you? 

STEVE  (to  DICK).    What  will  I  tell  her? 

AUNT.     Can't  you  answer  me  ? 

STEVE.     You  see,  Mrs. (Loud  noise  in  library.) 

AUNT  (starts  toward  library).  What  on  earth  is  the 
matter  in  there?  (Scream  from  kitchen,  followed  by 
loud  noise.)  Great  heavens!  Now  it's  over  there. 
What  is  wrong? 

DICK  (leading  AUNT  toward  kitchen).  If  I  were  you, 
Miss  Bingle,  I  would  go  right  out  and  see.  Just  go  right 
out  this  way  and  see  what  it's  all  about.  (She  exits 
kitchen.  DICK  shakes  fist  in  direction  of  kitchen.) 
Oh,  you  nut !  And  I  told  you  to  come  down  easy.  I 
wonder  what  he  fell  into?  (Noise  in  library.)  Now 
to  shut  this  guy  up. 

(Starts  toward  library.) 

BETTY  (at  c.  D.,  dressed  for  street).  What's  the  racket 
and  who  was  screaming? 

DICK.     Where  are  you  going? 

BETTY.     I  am  going  to  get  out  before  the  police  get  in. 

DICK.     You  are  too  late.    They  are  here  now. 

BETTY  (looking  around  room).    Where? 

DICK  (points  toward  library).    He's  locked  in  there. 

BETTY.  Good  heavens!  (Goes  to  window.)  Have 
they  got  the  house  surrounded  ? 

DICK.  I  don't  think  as  yet.  There's  only  one  here 
that  I  know  of,  but  the  Lord  only  knows  what  he  is  liable 
to  do  before  we're  through  with  him. 

BETTY.     Oh,  this  is  terrible!    What  can  we  do? 

STEVE.     Jack  said  we  would  get  in  Dutch  on  this  job. 


74  WIVES    TO    BURN 

DICK.  By  George !  I  have  an  idea.  That  paper  says 
Bert  must  marry  a  woman  weighing  three  hundred 
pounds,  don't  it?  (Hunts  for  paper.) 

BETTY.     What  if  it  does,  that  won't  help  us  any. 

DICK.     Help  us  find  the  paper  and  I'll  show  you. 

(All  hunt  for  paper,  STEVE  finding  it.} 

STEVE.     Is  this  what  you  are  hunting? 

DICK  (grabbing  ii).  Let  me  see  it.  (Sits  divan, 
BETTY  and  STEVE  on  either  side  of  him.)  Yes,  I'm  right, 
"  Must  marry  a  woman  weighing  three  hundred  pounds 
before  the  week  is  out."  Now  then :  suppose  he  married 
her  when  she  weighed  three  hundred  pounds  and  she 
reduces  immediately  after. 

BETTY.  What  in  the  name  of  common  sense  are  you 
talking  about? 

DICK.  It's  like  this:  Suppose  Bert  marries  the  girl 
he  wants 

BETTY.     In  other  words,  Polly  Palmer. 

DICK.  Yes,  Polly  Palmer,  when  she  weighs  three 
hundred  pounds. 

BETTY  (rises  and  looks  down  at  DICK).  When  she 
weighs  three  hundred  pounds.  But  she  don't.  She  only 
weighs  one  hundred  and  twelve.  I  think  the  sight  of 
that  policeman  has  affected  your  head.  (Starts  c.  D.) 

DICK  (following  her).  Wait  a  minute,  Betty. 
(BETTY  turns.)  If  Polly  was  fixed  up  to  weigh  three 
hundred  pounds  when  she  was  married,  she  would  be  a 
three-hundred-pound  bride,  wouldn't  she? 

BETTY.     Yes,  but  it  wouldn't  be  honest. 

STEVE.  It's  as  honest  as  the  rest  of  the  scheme  and  I 
believe  it  could  be  done,  and  we've  got  to  do  something 
to  get  ourselves  out  of  this  fix  we're  in. 

BETTY.     Are  you  having  pipe  dreams,  too? 

DICK.  It's  like  he  says ;  we've  got  to  do  something  or 
we'll  be  implicated  in  this  jewel  robbery.  Don't  you  see, 
Betty,  if  he  married  her  and  got  the  $400,000  he  could 
reimburse  Miss  Lamson  for  the  loss  of  her  jewels  and 
still  be  about  $300,000  ahead,  and  besides  have  the  girl 
he  wants. 


WIVES  TO    BURN  75 

BETTY.     But  how  will  we  get  rid  of  the  police  ? 
DICK.     We'll  think  of  a  way  later.     Do  you  think 
Polly  will  go  through  with  it? 
BETTY.     We  can  try  her. 

(DiCK  and  BETTY  start  c.  D.) 
STEVE.     But  what  will  we  do  with  the  cop? 
(Loud  noise  in  library.) 

DICK.  Jumping  ginger!  He'll  have  the  militia  out 
next  if  he  don't  stop  that. 

STEVE.  Couldn't  we  get  him  up-stairs  somehow  and 
tie  him  up  until  after  the  ceremony? 

BETTY.     How  could  we  get  him  up? 

MAYME  (enters  stairs).  She  ain't  up-stairs,  that's  a 
cinch.  I  was  clear  to  the  attic. 

DICK.     Who  isn't  up-stairs? 

MAYME.  Why,  Gert.  Didn't  you  send  me  to  hunt 
her? 

DICK.  Oh,  never  mind  Gert.  She's  safe.  Come  here. 
(MAYME  goes  front.)  We've  got  a  policeman  locked  in 
there.  (Points  to  library.)  He's  after  the  jewels. 

MAYME.     But  why  is  he  after  the  jewels? 

DICK.     Gert  swiped  them,  that's  why. 

MAYME.  The  little  devil !  I  didn't  think  it  was  in  her. 
But  suppose  she  did.  They  ain't  real,  are  they? 

BETTY.  Oh  no!  They're  only  worth  about  $100,000 
and  she  stole  them  from  Mary  Lamson,  the  movie  star. 

MAYME.     God  save  Ireland !    Now  we  are  in  for  it. 

DICK.  And  now  the  police  have  got  wind  of  it  and 
there's  one  of  them  locked  in  the  library.  Now  we're 
going  to  try  to  get  Polly  to  make  up  to  weigh  three  hun 
dred  pounds,  marry  Bert,  get  the  money  — 

MAYME.     But  the  jewels,  what  about  them? 

DICK  (continuing).  Replace  the  jewels,  choke  off  the 
police,  and  still  have  $300,000  or  so  to  the  good.  He's 
got  to  do  something.  It  was  for  his  sake  we  got  into 
this  mess.  (Ricn  enters  c.  D.)  Oh!  Here  you  are! 
You  came  down  nice  and  easy,  didn't  you? 


76  WIVES    TO    BURN 

RICH.  Well,  I  couldn't  help  it.  I  got  my  foot  caught 
in  the  clothes-line  and  fell  into  the  wash-boiler,  and  say, 
I  can't  find  him.  I've  been  every  place  I  could  think 
pf  and  I  can't  locate  him. 

DICK  (shoves  RICH  toward  window).  Keep  after 
him.  You  must  find  him  or  we  all  go  to  jail. 

RICH.     But  say,  Dick- 

DICK.  You've  got  to,  that's  all.  Now  mosey  on. 
(RiCH  exits  window.}  Now,  Mayme,  we're  going  up 
stairs  and  will  leave  the  field  to  you.  As  soon  as  we  get 
up-stairs,  you  get  his  nibs  over  there  out  and  give  him 
any  kind  of  a  cock  and  bull  story  you  want,  but  get  him 
up  to  my  room.  We'll  do  the  rest. 

MAYME.  Yuh  ain't  got  a  grudge  against  me  or  any 
thing,  have  yuh? 

DICK  (at  foot  of  stairs).    Don't  talk,  act! 

[Exits  stairs  with  BETTY. 

STEVE  (at  foot  of  stairs).  Call  him  Chief  and  he'll 
eat  out  of  your  hand.  [Exits  by  stairs. 

MAYME  (goes  to  library  door  and  listens,  studies  a 
moment,  then  unlocks  door  and  runs  to  middle  of  room, 
turning  to  face  door.  As  INSPECTOR  enters,  puts  up 
finger  warningly) .  Ssssh  ! 

INSPECTOR  (loudly).  What's  the  meaning  of  all  this? 
What's  the  meaning  of  it,  I  say? 

MAYME  (very  mysteriously}.  Ssssh!  Not  a  word! 
Not  a  sound !  They're  desperit.  They're  up-stairs,  the 
whole  gang  of  'em.  You  come  with  me  and  I'll  show  you 
how  you  can  get  all  of  'em. 

INSPECTOR  (impressed).  What's  wrong  with  this 
house  anyway? 

MAYME.     Not  so  loud !    Not  so  loud ! 

INSPECTOR  (impressed).  But  there's  something 
crooked  going  on  here  and 

MAYME.  I  know  it.  Sssssh!  Not  a  word,  Chief! 
Not  a  word!  (INSPECTOR  straightens  up  proudly.) 
Just  you  follow  me  and  we'll  land  'em.  (Goes  to  library 
door  and  listens  a  moment,  putting  finger  up  for  silence. 
INSPECTOR  follows  her.)  Ssssh!  (Tiptoes  across  stage 
to  kitchen  door  and  does  the  same,  INSPECTOR  following 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


77 


her.}     Ssssh!     (Same  thing  at  c.  D.)     Ssssh!     (Start 
up-stairs.     Half-way  up  stop.)    Ssssh! 

[They  exit  by  stairs. 

AUNT  (enters  quietly  from  kitchen,  pausing  a  moment 
Inside  door  to  listen.  Crosses  to  library  door,  opens  it 
quickly  and  GERT  falls  out  on  stage.  Dress  should  be 
torn,  face  and  hands  blackened,  hair  partially  down, 
etc.}.  I  knew  there  was  something  in  there  they  didn't 
want  me  to  see,  but  I  didn't  think  it  was  you.  How  did 
you  get  so  dirty? 

GERT  (rising).    Hi  was  hup  the  flue,  ma'am. 

AUNT.     Up  the  flue !    What  took  you  up  the  flue  ? 

GERT.  Well,  you  see,  Miss  Bingle,  Hi  run  in 
there (Points  toward  library,  and  stops.) 

AUNT.     What  for? 

GERT.  Well,  ma'am,  because  'e,  because  'e,  because 
>e 

AUNT  (shaking  her).  Because  he  what ?  For  mercy's 
sake,  speak  out ! 

GERT.     Because  'e  was  hafter  me,  ma'am. 

AUNT.     Who  was  after  you? 

GERT.     The  man,  ma'am. 

AUNT.     What  man? 

GERT.     The  man  as  was  hafter  me,  ma'am. 

AUNT  (exasperated).    But  what  was  he  after  you  for? 

GERT.     Because  Hi  run,  ma'am. 

AUNT.     Why  did  you  run? 

GERT.     Because  'e  took  hafter  me,  ma'am. 

AUNT  (thoroughly  angry).  Oh,  you  idiot!  you  block 
head  !  If  I  ever  wanted  to  manhandle  any  one  in  my  life 
it  is  you  this  minute.  (Grabs  GERT'S  arm.)  You  come 
with  me  and  get  cleaned  up  and  then  I  have  a  bone  to 
pick  with  you,  young  lady,  about  those  "  heggs "  you 
brought  for  breakfast.  (Start  toward  kitchen.) 

UNCLE  (enters  kitchen).  Don't  be  harsh  with  the 
poor  girl,  Henrietta.  Perhaps  she  can  explain  things  to 
your  satisfaction,  if  given  the  opportunity. 

AUNT  (glaring  at  him).  Perhaps!  Possibly  as  well 
as  you  have  explained  about  your  wife  up-stairs. 

[Exits  to  kitchen  with  GERT. 


•J&  WIVES    TO    BURN 

UNCLE  (stands  and  looks  after  them  a  moment,  shak 
ing  his  head.  JACK,  still  in  long  overcoat,  tiptoes  down 
stairs  and  starts  for  c.  D.  Just  as  he  reaches  door, 
UNCLE  sees  him).  Here,  you!  I  want  to  speak  to  you 
a  moment.  (Starts  for  JACK,  who  looks  hurriedly 
around  room  and  then  bolts  for  library,  enters  and  locks 
door,  or  holds  it  from  inside.}  Open  the  door! 
(Pause.}  Open  the  door,  I  say.  All  I  want  is  to  ask 
you  a  few  questions.  (Pause.}  Come!  Come!  I  want 
a  little  talk  with  you ;  open  the  door. 

JACK  (opens  door  and  sticks  head  out}.  What  does 
the  Effendi  desire  ? 

UNCLE  (walking  c.).  Come  on  out  and  I'll  tell  you. 
(JACK  comes  on  stage.}  You  say  you  are  the  favorite 
wife  of  Daniel  Easton? 

JACK.     Yes,  Effendi. 

UNCLE.  What's  the  game?  My  name  is  Daniel  Eas 
ton  and  I  am  quite  sure  I  never  sent  a  favorite  wife  or 
any  other  kind  of  a  wife  to  my  nephew  to  be  cared  for. 
There  is  something  going  on  here  that  shouldn't  be  and 
somebody  is  lying.  Who  is  it? 

JACK.  Why  should  the  Effendi  ask  Little  Bevo?  I 
was  sent  from  my  home  in  far-off  Turkey  to  a  man 
named  Parker  to  be  cared  for,  and  that  is  all  I  can  tell 
thee. 

UNCLE.     Who  sent  you  ? 

JACK.     My  husband,  the  Effendi  Daniel. 

UNCLE.  But  I  am  the  Effendi  Daniel,  if  you  want  to 
call  me  that,  and  I  am  sure  I  never  was  your  husband. 

JACK.  Oh,  Effendi !  I  know  not  the  ins  and  outs  of 
the  case.  Just  think  of  me,  a  poor  little  girl  all  alone  in 
a  strange  country.  What  shall  I  do?  Oh,  what  shall  I 
do?  (Throws  himself  on  UNCLE'S  breast  and  sobs.} 

UNCLE.  Here,  here,  here !  Suppose  some  one  should 
come  in. 

(Tries  to  get  away  from  JACK  but  is  unsuccessful.} 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen;  stops  fust  inside  door}. 
Um-hum !  You  had  no  wife,  hadn't  you? 


WIVES    TO    BURN 


79 


UNCLE  (very  angry,  throws  JACK  on  divan}.  We'll 
have  no  more  of  this  ! 

JACK.  Oh,  Effendi !  Why  act  like  you  did  in  far-off 
Turkey?  This  is  America. 

UNCLE.  That's  enough,  I  said !  You  take  a  run  up 
stairs.  (Points  toward  stairs.  JACK  looks  at  him  a  mo 
ment  and  then  exits  stairs.)  And  now  you  (To  AUNT.) 
are  going  to  listen  to  some  plain  speaking. 

AUNT.     Oh!    Ami?     (Turns  to  go  out.) 

UNCLE  (grabs  her  arm}.  Yes,  you  are.  (Leads  her 
to  divan.)  Sit  down!  (AuNT  glares  at  him  defiantly.) 
Sit  down!  (She  sits.)  That's  better.  Now  we  can  talk 
things  over.  (Sits  beside  her.)  Now  I'll  agree  that  1 
made  a  fool  of  myself  years  ago  but  I  am  not  going  to 
be  made  a  fool  of  now.  While  I  have  lived  in  Turkey 
for  twenty  odd  years 

AUNT.  I  don't  care  where  you  have  lived.  I  have  no 
intention  of  listening  to  you  any  longer. 

(Attempts  to  rise,  UNCLE  preventing  her.) 

UNCLE.  Oh,  yes,  you  have!  I  have  just  got  started. 
As  I  say,  while  I  have  lived  in  Turkey  for  twenty  odd 
years,  the  Turkey  that  I  have  been  in  does  not  permit  a 
man  to  have  more  than  one  wife.  Now  as  I  intend 
marrying  you 

AUNT.  The  very  idea!  I'll  never  marry  you. 
Never !  Never !  Never ! 

UNCLE.  Oh,  yes,  you  will !  As  I  say,  as  I  intend 
marrying  you,  it  stands  to  reason  that  that  ding-bat  that 
just  went  up-stairs  is  not  my  wife  and  I  can  assure  you 
she  never  was.  That  being  the  case,  we'll  go  out,  get  a 
license,  and  do  things  up  to-night.  I  have  to  start  back 
to  Turkey  to-morrow. 

AUNT.  And  do  you  think  for  a  moment  that  even 
though  I  did  intend  to  marry  you,  which  I  don't,  I  would 
be  in  such  a  hurry  ?  I  wouldn't  marry  the  King  of  Eng 
land  like  this. 

UNCLE.  I  believe  he  has  a  wife  so  you  needn't  worry 
on  that  question.  It's  me  you  are  considering  now. 
(Pleading.)  Henrietta!  We've  lost  the  past  twenty-five 


8o  WIVES    TO    BURN 

years  through  my  foolishness.  Don't  let  us  lose  the  next 
twenty-five  through  yours. 

AUNT.  Oh,  Daniel,  I  bejieve  you.  But  I  couldn't  live 
in  Turkey. 

UNCLE.     We'll  talk  about  that  later. 

AUNT.  And  I  couldn't  marry  you  to-night.  I  would 
need  a  whole  new  outfit  of  clothes  and 

UNCLE.  I'll  outfit  you  all  in  the  new.  I  don't  like  that 
old-maidish  way  of  dressing  anyway.  It  doesn't  do  you 
justice,  my  dear.  You  might  as  well  have  everything 
that  is  coming  to  you,  for  you  are  marrying  a  rich  man. 
Are  there  any  stores  open? 

AUNT.  Of  course  not.  At  this  time  of  night !  Dan 
iel  !  I  have  my  old  wedding  dress  in  my  trunk.  The 
dress  I  bought  when  you 

UNCLE.     Put  it  on ! 

AUNT.  At  this  time  of  night?  People  would  think 
I  was  crazy. 

UNCLE.  Never  mind  what  people  think;  you  are 
pleasing  me,  now.  Come  on. 

(Takes  her  hand  and  starts  toward  dining-room.} 

AUNT.     Really,  Daniel,  I  don't  like  to  do  this. 

UNCLE.     Why  not  ?    Can't  you  trust  me  ? 

AUNT.     Yes,  Daniel.  [They  exit  dining-room. 

POLLY  (enters  from  stairs,  crossing  to  extreme  L., 
BETTY,  DICK  and  MAYME  following').  No!  No!!  No!! 
(Stamps  foot.)  I  won't  do  it. 

BETTY.     But,  Polly 

POLLY.     I  won't,  I  tell  you,  and  that  settles  it. 

DICK.     But,  Miss  Palmer  — 

POLLY.     Under  no  conditions  ! 

BETTY.  Don't  be  a  fool,  Polly,  because  you  know 
how. 

POLLY.  That's  about  the  third  time  to-night  you  have 
told  me  that. 

BETTY.  It  stands  to  reason  then  that  you  are  in  need 
of  a  little  friendly  advice.  Now  in  this  case 

POLLY.     I  won't  listen. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  8 1 

(Turns  and  walks  back  stage,  DICK  and  BETTY  follow 
ing.     MAYME  stands  R.) 

DICK.  You  must  help  us  out.  We  are  in  an  awful 
fix  and 

POLLY  (turning  toward  him  quickly}.  Did  /  have 
anything  to  do  with  getting  you  into  this  fix? 

DICK.  No,  but  it  was  gone  into  partially  for  your 
sake. 

POLLY.  Partially?  I  can  handle  my  own  affairs, 
thank  you.  (Goes  front.) 

BETTY.  Now  that  the  jewels  are  gone  they  must  be 
replaced  and 

POLLY.  Did  I  bring  them  here?  Why  should  you 
hold  me  responsible  for  them?  I  think  it  was  a  ridicu 
lous,  presumptuous  arrangement  from  the  start  and  I'll 
never  forgive  any  of  you,  never!  (Starts  toward  c.  D.) 

MAYME  (stops  her}.  Say!  Put  on  the  soft  pedal  and 
go  back  and  sit  on  a  tack.  (Shoves  POLLY  backward 
and  makes  her  sit  on  divan.}  Do  you  know  what  you 
need?  You  ought  to  be  turned  over  somebody's  knee 
and  a  No.  10  applied  where  it  would  do  the  most  service. 

POLLY  (aghast}.  Oh,  you  impertinent,  brazen, 
bold 

(Attempts  to  rise.     MAYME  shoves  her  back  on  divan.} 

MAYME.  Go  ahead !  Enjoy  yourself !  You  ain't 
worryin'  me  none,  though,  so  you  might  as  well  lay  off. 
I'm  gonna  have  my  say  out  and  you're  gonna  listen  to  it, 
so  you  might  as  well  make  up  your  mind  to  it.  (Sits 
divan  beside  POLLY.)  Now  about  the  first  thing  you 
want  to  get  into  your  head,  dearie,  is  that  you  ain't  the 
whole  cheese. 

POLLY.     I  won't  stay  here  to  be  insulted. 

(Rises  and  MAYME  pulls  her  back  on  divan.) 
MAYME.     The  Lord  said  unto  Pat !    Would  yuh  listen 


82  WIVES    TO    BURN 

at  it!  Who's  insultin' of  yuh ?  I  ain't.  I  was  just  tellin' 
yuh  the  gospel  truth.  Now  listen:  When  this  here  fat 
dame  shuffled  off  and  left  this  pile  of  mazuma  to  some 
guy  provided  he  married  a  girl  weighin'  three  hundred 
pounds  and  we  found  Bert  had  been  picked  as  the  goat, 
we,  bein'  friends  of  his,  made  up  our  minds  that  he  was 
goin'  to  get  that  $400,000  or  bust.  We  knowed,  of 
course,  that  he  was  too  much  of  a  gent  to  throw  you 
down,  so  we  thought  if  we  could  razzle-dazzle  him  into 
marryin'  this  tub  of  lard  he  could  get  the  money,  give  her 
ten  thousand  or  so,  take  a  run  up  into  Nevada,  get  a 
divorce 

POLLY.     Get  a  divorce!     On  what  grounds? 

MAYME.  Lord  love  yuh,  you  don't  need  no  grounds 
in  Nevada.  You  just  divorce  'em,  that's  all.  Then  we 
thought  after  doin'  this  he  could  marry  you  and  still  have 
$300,000  or  so  to  the  good.  Some  scheme,  if  you  was  to 
ast  my  opinion,  which,  of  course,  you  ain't. 

POLLY.  But  the  humiliation  of  seeing  you  and  this — 
this  dishwasher  claim  Bert  as  your  husband.  Why 
wasn't  I  consulted? 

MAYME.     We  didn't  know  you  then. 

DICK.     We  didn't  even  know  where  you  lived. 

POLLY.     I  don't  like  it.     Back  in  Ohio 

MAYME.  Say!  Forget  it!  Yuh  ain't  in  Ohio  now. 
You're  in  California,  and  we  do  things  a  little  different 
out  this  way.  Why,  if  a  fellow  was  as  dippy  over  me  as 
Bert  is  over  you,  man,  I'd  do  anything  for  him,  anything. 
He  just  raves  about  you,  mornin',  noon  and  night. 

POLLY  (eagerly}.     Does  he,  honestly? 

MAYME  (winks  at  DICK).  Does  he?  You'd  oughta 
hear  him.  It's  Polly  this  and  Polly  that  until  we've  all 
about  got  Pollyitis.  Why,  the  poor  boob  even  cuts  his 
meals  short  so  he  can  sneak  away  from  the  table  and 
'phone  yuh  when  there  ain't  nobody  around. 

POLLY.     Dear,  dear  Bert ! 

MAYME.     That's  just  what  I  say,  dear,  dear  Bert ! 

POLLY  (turning  and  looking  at  MAYME  suspiciously'). 
What? 

MAYME.     That  is,  I'd  say  that  if  /  was  you. 


WIVES   TO    BURN  83 

POLLY.  Perhaps  I  should  help  dear  Bert  get  this 
money. 

DICK.  There's  no  perhaps  about  it,  Miss  Palmer,  you 
should. 

BETTY.     I  should  say  you  should. 

POLLY.  I  really  haven't  looked  at  it  in  the  right  light, 
I  suppose,  but  if  you  think  it  my  duty  to  help  him,  I  will. 

STEVE  (running  down-stairs}.  That  detective  is  rais 
ing  the  very  devil  up-stairs.  Jack  is  sitting  on  him  just 
at  present,  but 

POLLY  (rushes  to  STEVE  and  throws  her  arms  around 
his  neck).  Steve! 

STEVE  (embracing  her).     Polly! 

MAYME.  What  is  it?  Initiation  into  the  Mutual 
Huggin'  and  Kissin'  Association? 

POLLY.  It's  my  brother.  The  one  I  came  West  to 
find.  ( To  STEVE.  )  Why  didn't  you  write  ? 

STEVE.  When  I  came  out  here  "I  was  going  to  do 
wonders,  but  instead  I  went  broke.  I  was  ashamed  to 
write  and  let  you  know;  that's  all.  Now  I  am  working 
on  a  ranch. 

BETTY.  I  don't  like  to  hurry  you,  but  can't  you  let  the 
explaining  go  until  after  we  have  straightened  this 
tangle  ? 

DICK.     Yes,  there's  that  policeman  up-stairs  — 

STEVE.     And  he's  sure  raising  the  devil  in  general. 

DICK.  You  are  going  to  help  us  now,  aren't  you,  Miss 
Palmer  ? 

STEVE.  If  you  can  do  anything,  Sis,  to  get  us  out  of 
this  mess,  do  it! 

POLLY.     What  do  you  want  me  to  do? 

DICK  (takes  one  of  POLLY'S  arms,  MAYME  the  other). 
Come  up-stairs  and  we'll  see  that  you  are  fitted  up  to 
ook  the  part.  Rich  ought  to  be  along  with  Bert  before 
ong.  He  can't  have  gotten  very  far. 

(All  start  up-stairs,  BETTY  last.  Others  exit  as  BETTY 
gets  about  half-way  up-stairs.  RICH  appears  at 
window  and  calls.) 

RICH.     Betty  !     (She  stops.)    May  I  speak  with  you  a 


»4  WIVES    TO    BURN 

moment?  (She  turns  and  goes  slowly  down-stairs.*) 
Dick  told  me  you  were  here. 

BETTY  (going  to  divan).  Did  he?  You  might  have 
looked  me  up  a  little  earlier,  then.  (Sits  divan.) 

RICH  (sitting  beside  her).  I  wanted  to  but  I  was 
busy  on  this  job  for  Bert. 

BETTY.     Did  you  find  him? 

RICH.  Yes,  he's  outside  the  window.  He  sent  me  in 
to  make  sure  his  black  affinity  hadn't  returned. 

(Pause.     BETTY  looking  at  RICH  and  he  at  her  several 
times. ) 

BETTY.  Why  haven't  you  been  around  to  see  me  for 
the  past  couple  of  weeks  ? 

RICH.  Why?  Because,  Betty,  I  was  jealous,  jealous 
of  Dick  and  the  other  fellows  you  have  been  running 
around  with,  and  when  I  called  you  up  and  asked  you  to 
marry  me  — 

BETTY  (gives  long  sigh).  Oh,  what  a  relief!  It  was 
you,  then? 

RICH  (amazed).  Of  course  it  was  me!  Who  else 
could  it  be? 

BETTY.     Oh,  yes,  of  course,  but  go  on. 

RICH.  I'm  really  ashamed  of  myself,  Betty,  but  when 
I  asked  you  if  you  would  marry  me  and  you  said  you 
would,  I  thought  I  would  teach  you  a  lesson,  so  I  decided 
to  hold  you  off  for  a  while  without  saying  anything 
further.  A  little  like  you  had  been  holding  me  off  for 
the  last  six  months.  (BETTY  looks  at  him  indignantly.) 
Oh,  I  know  it  wasn't  a  very  gentlemanly  thing  to  do, 
Betty,  but  you'll  forgive  me,  won't  you? 

BETTY.     I'll  think  about  it. 

RICH.     But,  Betty 

BETTY.  Wait  until  we're  married,  young  man,  just 
you  wait. 

BERT  (at  window).     Did  she  come  back? 

BETTY  (running  to  window).  No,  she  didn't.  Come 
on  in ;  they're  waiting  for  you. 

BERT  (entering).     Who's  waiting  for  me? 

BETTY.     Come  and  see.     Come  on,  Rich. 


WIVES    TO    BURN  85 

(They  hurry  BERT  up-stairs.) 

GERT  (enters  from  kitchen,  closing  door  after  her, 

very  quietly.  Goes  to 'phone.}  Hollywood  987 .' 

Mr.  Wilkins,  please.  (DiCK  starts  down-stairs.  Notices 
GERT  and  stops.)  Miss  Lamson  speaking.  Send  my 

machine  around.  You  have  the  address Yes,  I 

believe  I  can  play  the  part  to  perfection Oh ! 

Yes  indeed !  We  have  had  some  rather  exciting  experi 
ences  here  in  the  last  hour Local  color?  It's  all 

over  me  in  chunks The  other  scheme  ?  Yes,  I 

think  it  is  going  to  be  a  success.  Have  the  machine  here 
in  a  half-hour,  please.  (Hangs  up  'phone.) 

DICK  (coining  down-stairs).     I  thought  so! 

(GERT  turns  quickly.) 

GERT.     Just  what  did  you  think,  Mr.  Girard? 

DICK.  No  wonder  you  could  play  the  deserted  wife 
so  well.  Might  I  ask  your  reason  for  working  here  as 
Miss  Bingle's  dishwasher,  or  is  that  one  of  the  state 
secrets  ? 

GERT.  No,  not  exactly.  My  next  picture  is  entitled 
"  The  Slavey's  Romance."  I  wanted  to  see  if  there 
could  possibly  be  a  romance  in  the  life  of  a  slavey  and, 
incidentally,  imbibe  a  little  local  color. 

DICK.     Did  you — imbibe  the  local  color? 

GERT  (showing  her  torn  dress,  dirty  face,  etc.).  Don't 
you  see  it  on  me? 

DICK.     And  the  romance?     Did  you  find  it? 

GERT  (smiling).  How  would  you  like  to  work  with 
me  in  my  next  picture,  Mr.  Girard  ? 

DICK  (eagerly).  There  is  nothing  I  would  like  better. 
But  I've  never  had  any  experience. 

GERT.  Don't  you  think  your  experience  here  to-night 
would  stand  you  in  good  stead  ? 

DICK.     But 

GERT.     Do  you  accept  my  offer? 

DICK.     Oh,  Miss  Lamson 

GERT.     My  name  is  Mary — to  my  friends. 


86  WIVES    TO    BURN 

DICK.     Mary,    I Why,    Mary!      Those   were 

your  jewels  you  brought  to  me,  and  — 

GERT.  Don't  worry  about  the  jewels,  Dick.  They 
are  safe.  Miss  Bingle  had  them. 

DICK.     Are  you  sure  they  are  safe  ?    Where  are  they  ? 

GERT.     In  the  ice-box. 

DICK.  Jiminy  Christmas!  One  hundred  thousand 
dollars'  worth  of  jewelry  in  the  ice-box!  (Grabs  GERT'S 
arm.)  Come  on  and  let's  get  it  before  somebody  else 
does.  [They  exit  kitchen. 

UNCLE  (enters  c.  D.  with  AUNT.  AUNT  should  wear 
wedding  dress  of  period  twenty-five  years  previous  to 
time  of  play,  also  long  coat  or  cape,  which  she  throws  off 
on  her  entrance}.  Here  we  are  safe  home  again. 
(Looks  at  AUNT.)  And  to  think,  Henrietta,  you  were 
married  in  the  dress  you  made  for  our  wedding  so  long 
ago.  There  never  was  a  prettier  bride  in  New  York. 
It's  worth  waiting  twenty-five  years  to  see  you. 

AUNT.  Daniel !  You  flatterer !  It  is  just  because 
you  are  happy  that  you  are  saying  those  nice  things 
about  me,  for  how  could  an  old  woman  of  forty-eight 
make  such  a  handsome  bride? 

UNCLE.     Henrietta 

AUNT.  There,  there!  I  don't  blame  you.  I  am 
happy  myself.  So  happy  that  I  am  going  to  hunt  up 
Gert  and  help  her  return  those  jewels  to  the  person  from 
whom  she  took  them.  I'm  so  happy  I  don't  want  to  see 
any  one  in  trouble.  I  left  her  in  the  kitchen  cleaning 
herself  up,  so  suppose  she  is  still  there,  for  she  would 
have  a  job  on  her  hands.  Come,  Daniel. 

[They  exit  to  kitchen. 

BETTY  (enters  stairs  supporting  POLLY  on  one  side: 
MAYME  on  the  other.  POLLY  should  be  made  up  as  an 
extremely  fat  woman,  wearing  hat  and  veil.  Should 
have  pieces  of  wood  painted  to  look  like  iron  in  pockets, 
up  sleeves,  under  belt,  etc.,  to  be  removed  later}.  Care 
ful,  Polly !  Don't  fall  or  we'll  never  be  able  to  pick  you 
up.  (Places  POLLY  R.  c.)  Now  you  stand  right  there. 
Bert  can  stand  here.  (Points  to  POLLY'S  left.}  The 
rest  can  stand  over  there.  (Points  L.)  Rich  and  I  will 


WIVES    TO    BURN  8? 

act  as  attendants.  Miss  Clifford!  Will  you  get  up  and 
tell  the  happy  groom  and  best  man  that  everything  is 
ready  ? 

MAYME.  Happy  groom?  If  that  guy  is  happy  I'd 
hate  to  see  him  when  he  looks  sad. 

[Exits  stairs  singing  wedding  march. 

BETTY.  Just  think,  Polly,  you  are  getting  the  man 
you  want  and  $300,000  into  the  bargain. 

POLLY.  I'm  so  excited,  Betty,  that  if  it  wasn't  for  this 
iron  I  have  stuck  around  me,  I  couldn't  stand  still. 

(RiCH  and  MAYME  enter  stairs  with  BERT.) 

BERT.  You  are  not  running  a  black  one  in  on  me 
again,  are  you  ? 

RICH.     No,  this  one  is  all  right. 

BERT.     What's  the  idea  of  the  veil? 

BETTY  (to  RICH).  You  explained  why  he  had  to 
marry  a  fat  woman,  did  you? 

RICH.     Yes,  he  knows  it  all. 

BETTY  (to  BERT).  As  you  are  to  be  divorced  as  soon 
as  you  get  the  money,  the  lady  doesn't  want  to  be  em 
barrassed  should  she  ever  meet  you  again. 

BERT.  Oh,  I  see!  All  right;  let's  get  it  over  with. 
Come  on,  you  three  hundred  pounds. 

(Stands  L.  of  POLLY,  taking  her  arm.) 

BETTY.  Now  where's  Dick  with  that  minister?  We 
sent  him  after  one  a  half-hour  ago.  He  ought  to  be 
back  by  this  time. 

MAYME.  There's  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  the  next 
apartment.  Wouldn't  he  do  ? 

BERT.     Go  ahead !     Any  old  thing. 

MAYME  (looks  for  number  in  'phone  book).  Holly 
wood  9856 Mr.  Payne?  Could  you  come  over 

next  door  and  make  two  hearts  beat  as  one? 

Sure!     Splice   'em   up Over   at    Miss   Bingle's. 

(To  BETTY.)  He  says  he's  got  company  and  can't  come 
over,  but  if  they  stand  out  on  the  porch  he'll  marry  'em 
across  the  court. 

BERT.     Perfectly  all  right  with  me ;  any  old  way. 


88  WIVES    TO    BURN 

MAYME  (in  'phone).  All  right,  Mr.  Payne.  They'll 
be  right  out.  (Hangs  up  'phone.)  Now  then,  if  we  only 
had  a  jazz  band  everything  would  be  right  up  to  date, 
wouldn't  it?  Get  in  line,  folks.  Come  on,  Bert.  (Places 
BERT  c.  of  stage,  facing  window.)  You're  next,  Pol — 
I  mean  you  three  thousand,  'scuse  me,  three  hundred 
pounds.  Right  here.  (Places  POLLY  at  BERT'S  R.) 
Miss  King,  you  and  Rich  right  here.  (Places  them  be 
hind  BERT  and  POLLY.)  I'll  be  Master  of  Ceremonies 
and  lead  the  parade.  (Steps  in  front  of  BERT  and 
POLLY  and  begins  marking  time.)  Left!  Right!  Left! 
Right!  (Others  step  into  time.)  Left!  Right!  All 
leady!  Shoot! 

(Leads  them  out  window,  singing,  "Here  conies  the 
bride!  Here  comes  the  bride!"  Man's  voice  heard 
outside:  "All  ready!"  MAYME  answers,  "All 
O.  K."  Man's  voice:  "All  right,  line  up.") 

AUNT  (enters  from  kitchen  with  UNCLE.  They  stand 
just  inside  door  a  moment,  looking  at  each  other).  Did 
you  hear  what  Mr.  Girard  told  that  girl? 

UNCLE.     I  did. 

AUNT.     All  of  it? 

UNCLE.     Every  word. 

AUNT.  I  don't  often  use  slang,  Daniel,  but  to  borrow 
one  of  Miss  Clifford's  favorite  expressions,  "  Could  you 
beat  it ! " 

UNCLE.     No,  my  dear,  I  don't  believe  you  could. 

(They  sit  divan.) 

AUNT.  To  think  that  the  favorite  wife  and  the  jewels 
were  all  a  part  of  their  scheme  to  have  Bert  get  that 
money.  For  a  time  I  actually  believed  that  was  your 
wife,  Daniel.  Can  you  ever  forgive  me? 

UNCLE.  Certainly  I  can.  It  was  worked  up  so  well 
I  almost  believed  it  myself. 

AUNT.  No  doubt  I  am  very  dumb  for  they  told  me 
they  were  going  to  put  some  sort  of  a  scheme  over,  but 
I  never  dreamed  it  would  be  such  a  thing  as  this.  To 
think  of  the  work  it  took  and  the  way  they  did  it ! 


WIVES    TO    BURN  8g 

UNCLE.    I  don't  get  the  drift  of  it  even  yet. 

AUNT.  Here!  (Hands  him  paper.}  It's  all  ex 
plained  in  the  paper. 

UNCLE  (skims  over  article).  And  Bert  was  the  man 
selected  ? 

AUNT.  Yes,  his  name  was  drawn.  I  don't  know 
where  he  is  but  there  is  no  doubt  in  the  world  they  have 
him  married  to  a  three-hundred-pound  girl  by  this  time. 
Just  think  of  it,  Daniel,  three  hundred  pounds ! 

UNCLE.  I  came  here  purposely  to  see  him  and  take 
him  back  to  Turkey  with  me  to  help  me  handle  my  af 
fairs.  I  hadn't  bargained  though  on  taking  a  three-hun 
dred-pound  helpmate  along. 

AUNT.  /  will  help  you  handle  your  affairs  in  the  fu 
ture,  Daniel. 

MAYME  (at  window').  Well, it's  all  over  but  the  scrap- 
pin'.  (Enters  from  window,  going  c.  Is  followed  by 
RICH  and  BETTY  who  cross  L.  BERT  goes  R.,  POLLY  re 
mains  at  window.)  Meet  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Parker,  ladies 
and  gentlemen. 

AUNT  (crossing  to  BERT).  Bert!  You  haven't  mar 
ried  that — that (Points  to  POLLY.  BERT  attempts 

to  speak  and  then  turns  back  on  AUNT  and  stares  at  ceil 
ing.)  Why,  Bert!  (Door-bell  rings.)  Gert!  Answer 
the  door!  Oh,  I  forgot.  (Exits  C.  D.,  returning  imme 
diately  zvith  letter.)  A  letter  by  special  messenger  for 
Mr.  Parker.  It  is  marked  "  To  be  opened  just  before  his 
wedding." 

BERT.  Just  before  my  wedding!  Give  it  to  me. 
(Takes  letter,  opens  and  reads  it.  Then  takes  several 
bills  out  of  envelope.)  Where  is  to-night's  paper? 

(MAYME  crosses  to  RICH.) 

AUNT  (hands  him  paper).    Here  it  is. 

BERT  (looks  for  article  and  reads  it,  then  turns  to 
MAYME  and  RICH).  Did  you  see  this  article  in  the  pa 
per?  (No  answer,  MAYME  and  RICH  looking  at  each 
other.)  I  suppose  I  have  you  two  to  thank  for  the  go 
ings-on  here  to-night.  Where's  Dick  ?  Was  he  in  on  it 
too? 


QO  WIVES    TO    BURN 

RICH.  Now,  Bert,  don't  get  sore.  We  only  wanted 
to  be  sure  you  got  the  $400,000.  It  really  wasn't  the  bet, 
you  know. 

BERT.     Bet !    I'd  forgot  all  about  it. 

MAYME.  We  just  couldn't  see  you  lose  out  on  that 
$400,000,  Bert. 

BERT.  Is  that  so !  Well,  I  don't  get  it !  Do  you  un 
derstand?  /  don't  get  it!  All  I  get  is  that  ton  of  hay 
over  there.  (Points  to  POLLY.)  Read  that  and  see  how 
your  plans  turned  out. 

(Hands  letter  to  RICH  and  walks  R.  ) 

RICH  (reads}.  "Now,  Mr.  Parker,  that  you  have 
shown  a  little  speed  and  pep  in  locating  a  three-hundred- 
pound  bride  in  such  short  order,  we  would  like  to  state 
that  the  article  in  to-night's  Herald  is  merely  an  adver 
tising  scheme  which  we  are  using  as  the  first  effort  on 
the  part  of  the  new  publicity  manager  we  intend  engag 
ing  to  handle  the  Mary  Lamson  Feature  Productions 
which  will  be  placed  before  the  public  with  her  next 
picture  '  The  Slavey's  Romance.' "  ( Turns  toward 
MAYME  and  speaks.)  Mayme!  We  had  all  our  work 
for  nothing.  (Reads.)  "  We  are  enclosing  $300  for  the 
Mrs.  Parker-who-was-to-be " 

MAYME.     A  dollar  a  pound! 

RICH  (reading}.  "And  would  request  that  you  re 
port  at  our  office  to-morrow  morning  at  nine  o'clock 
where  a  contract  at  a  liberal  salary  will  be  awaiting  you. 
Yours  very  truly,  J.  D.  Wilkins,  Manager,  Louperex 
Film  Corporation." 

DICK  (enters  from  kitchen  with  GERT.  She  is  neatly 
dressed,  hair  done  up,  etc.  Is  wearing  lavallier  pre 
viously  recognised  by  BETTY.  DICK  looks  at  crowd  on 
stage  and  then  turns  to  MAYME).  By  George!  I  forgot 
all  about  the  minister. 

MAYME.  Never  mind  the  minister.  It's  a  fake  and 
he  don't  get  the  money.  How  are  we  ever  going  to  get 
that  jewel  business  straightened  out? 

BETTY  (notices  GERT).  Miss  Lamson!  And  your 
lavallier 


WIVES    TO    BURN  9! 

GERT.  There  is  no  need  to  worry  about  the  jewels. 
When  they  were  stolen  I  did  it  myself. 

DICK.  Miss  Lamson,  as  Gert,  the  hired  girl,  has  been 
imbibing  a  little  local  color  for  the  past  three  weeks  in 
Miss  Bingle's  kitchen. 

UNCLE.     Pardon  me !    Mrs.  Daniel  Easton. 

GERT.     May  I  congratulate  you,  Mrs.  Daniel  Easton? 

AUNT.  You  rogue !  And  I  nearly  had  you  arrested 
for  stealing  your  own  jewels. 

DICK.     Ye  gods !     The  policeman ! 

AUNT.     Where  is  he? 

DICK.  Up-stairs,  bound  and  gagged  with  two  men 
sitting  on  him. 

UNCLE.     What  for? 

DICK.  So  he  wouldn't  interfere  until  the  wedding 
was  over.  We  must  turn  him  loose. 

(All  ex-it  stairs,  except  BERT  and  POLLY.) 

BERT  (makes  several  attempts  to  speak}.  I'm  sorry 
Miss — I  mean  Mrs. — that  is,  just  what  is  your  name? 

POLLY.     Mrs.  Bert  Parker,  I  presume. 

BERT  (starts}.  Oh,  yes,  yes,  so  it  is.  (Takes  money 
out  of  pocket,  looks  at  it  a  moment  and  then  hands  it  to 
POLLY.  )  I  suppose  this  is  coming  to  you.  You  of  course 
understand  that,  that 

POLLY.     That  what? 

BERT.  That  this  is  nothing  but  a  farce.  I  can't  live 
with  you.  I  am  heartily  ashamed  for  even  having  part 
in  such  a  scheme.  You  can  arrange  for  a  divorce  on 
the  grounds  of  desertion  or  anything  you  think  best. 

POLLY.  But  I  don't  want  a  divorce.  I  don't  believe 
in  them.  I  married  you  and  I  intend  to  live  with  you. 

BERT  (astonished}.  But  you  must  understand  that  it 
is  impossible.  I  can't,  I  simply  can't. 

POLLY    (throwing   back  her  veil}.     Why   can't  you, 

Bert? 

BERT.     Polly !    Was  it  you  I  married  ? 
POLLY.     It  certainly  was. 

(They  embrace.     BERT  jerks  away  from  POLLY  and 
looks  at  her  arm.     Touches  it  and  feels  wood.) 


92  WIVES    TO    BURN 

BERT.     What  on  earth  is  the  matter? 

POLLY.  Oh,  I  forgot !  (Removes  wood  from  sleeves, 
bodice,  etc.)  Dick  must  have  robbed  the  junk  shop  for 
me. 

BERT.     What -on  earth 

POLLY.  To  make  me  weigh  the  full  three  hundred 
pounds,  silly! 

(He  again  attempts  to  embrace  her,  b%it  UNCLE,  AUNT, 
BETTY,  RICH,  GERT  and  DICK  appear  on  stairs. 
BERT  shoves  hands  In  pocket  and  starts  R.  whis 
tling.  ) 

UNCLE.  Fifty  dollars  settled  him  all  right.  (Goes  to 
BERT.)  Now  don't  worry  about  not  getting  that  money, 
my  lad.  I  have  plenty  for  both  of  us.  ( Walks  c.,  laugh 
ing.}  Well,  well,  well!  What  youth  won't  attempt. 
Your  scheme  was  a  good  one,  young  folks,  but  you 
slipped  up  on  one  little  thing. 

DICK.     What  was  that? 

UNCLE  (to  BERT).  Did  you  ever  notice,  Bert,  that 
you  always  got  my  checks  through  a  lawyer  in  Pitts 
burgh  ? 

BERT  (after  a  moment's  thought}.  Come  to  think  oi 
it — yes. 

UNCLE.  Well,  the  Turkey  in  which  I  have  been  for 
the  past  twenty  odd  years  is  Turkey,  Pennsylvania,  a 
little  way  station  on  the  B.  &  O.  Railroad,  where  I  own 
a  few  coal  mines,  the  hardware  store,  the  undertaking 
parlors  and  run  the  post-office.  Come,  dear. 

{Offers  arm  to  AUNT  and  they  exit  library,  UNCLE 
looking  back  over  shoulder  smiling.  Each  looks  a\ 
the  other,  thunderstruck.  POLLY  and  BERT  extreme 
R.,  DICK  and  GERT  c.,  RICH  and  BETTY  L.) 

DICK.     Anyway,  we  had  some  fun  out  of  it. 
RICH.     Yes,  and  I  would  have  won  my  bet,  too,  if  we 
hadn't  got  switched,  for  she  did  throw  you  down,  Bert. 
POLLY.     But  not  for  good. 

STEVE)     (together:    coming   part   way    down-stairs) 
JACK  ]     When  do  we  get  some  real  clothes? 


WIVES    TO    BURN  93 

DICK.     Help  yourself  to  mine. 

RICH.     Mine,  too.    Take  all  you  want. 

(STEVE  and  JACK  exit  stairs.  RICH  and  BETTY,  BERT 
and  POLLY  engage  in  conversation.} 

GERT.  Are  you  going  to  accept  the  proposition  of  the 
Louperex  Studio,  Mr.  Parker?  (BERT  pays  no  atten 
tion  to  her.}  Mr.  Parker! — Mr.  Parker! 

DICK  (goes  to  BERT  and  yells  in  his  ear}.  Mr. 
Parker !  The  lady  wants  to  speak  to  you ! 

BERT  (jumps}.  You  needn't  yell!  I'm  not  hard  of 
hearing. 

DICK.     Oh  no !    Not  at  all ! 

GERT  (smiling}.  I  merely  asked  if  you  are  going  to 
accept  the  proposition  of  the  Louperex  Studio,  Mr. 
Parker  ? 

BERT.  You  bet  I  am!  I  got  the  girl  I  want  and  a 
good  job  into  the  bargain.  Rich  can  go  and  help  Uncle 
run  the  undertaking  parlors.  What  puzzles  me,  though, 
is  how  they  picked  on  me? 

GERT  (smiling}.  I  could  tell  you  how  that  happened. 
(All  turn  toward  her.}  But  I  won't.  (Others  resume 
conversation.}  How  about  my  offer,  Mr. — er — Dick? 

DICK.  It  would  be  glorious  Mary,  and  it's  just  what 
I  have  always  wanted,  but  could  I  do  it? 

GERT.  Let  me  be  the  judge  of  that.  Some  day  you 
might  even  be  my  leading  man. 

DICK.     I  would  like  to  be  that  for  life,  Maiy. 

(Each  of  the  boys  puts  arm  around  girl  to  whom 
speaking  and  bends  to  kiss  her  as  MAYME  enters 
stairs. } 

MAYME  (on  stairs}.  Hey!  Break  away!  Break 
away! 

(They  all  turn  and  look  at  MAYME  indignantly  a  mo 
ment.  Then  boys  kiss  the  girls.} 

QUICK  CURTAIN 


A  RIP  SNORTING  MELODRAMA 


rrti       f^  c1        i   T^ 

Ihe  Cross-E-yed  Parrot 

By  Ted  and  Virginia  Maxwell 

A  Melodramatic  Comedy  in  Three  Acts.  6m.,  5w.  1  int.,  I  ex. 
Time,  full  evening.  The  plot  hinges  around  a  kidnapper,  Dr.  Von 
Kim,  who  is  terrorizing  the  wealthy,  holding  his  victims  for  enormous 
ransom.  Hayne,  the  lead,  and  Plummy,  his  pal,  decide  to  solve 
the  mystery  of  this  man's  actions,  when  Hayne's  sister  is  kidnapped. 
On  Dr.  Von  Elm's  Island,  they  encounter  many  humorous  and 
mysterious  situations,  the  most  intriguing  of  all,  when  an  eccentric 
chiropractor  whispers  to  them,  that  the  answer  to  all  they  are  seeking 
lies  in  "yards  and  yards  of  twine,  a  cross-eyed  parrot  and  a  red 
headed  woman."  First  the  parrot,  and  then  the  red-headed  woman 
cross  their  vision,  bringing  screams  of  laughter.  There  are  two 
charming  love  stories  between  Hayne  and  Teja,  the  Doctor's 
daughter,  and  Plummy  and  Lisle,  Hayne's  sister,  and  a  more  sinister 
affair  between  Dr.  Von  Elm  and  the  red-headed  woman.  Enor 
mously  successful  in  production  at  the  Y.  M.  C.  U.,  Boston. 

THE  PLAYERS 

S.  Final  Kord  Hughson 

Hayne  Frawley  Morgan 

Plummer  Collins  Margot 

Dr.  Herz  Von  Elm  Edna  West 

Teja  Von  Elm  Betty  Danileon 
Lisle  Frawley 

ACT      I.     Breakfast-room  in  the  Frawley  home.     Present  time. 
Morning  in  summen 

ACT     II.     Scene  1.     The  same  afternoon.     The  garden  in  front  of 
the  main  building.  Dr.  Von  Elm's  island. 
Scene    2.     The   same   setting.     That    evening   at    ten- 
thirty. 

\CT  III      Scene    I.     The    same   setting.     One    week    later    than 
Act  II. 
Scene  2.     The  same  evening.     Midnight.     Same  setting. 

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Fixing  It  For  Father 

By  J.  C.  McMullen 

A  Farce  in  Three  Acts.  .  6m.,  5w.  One  easy  interior.  Fat! 
was  a  very  staid  professor  of  a  very  staid  college.  He  was 
ceiving  under  his  name,  letters  for  his  brother-in-law,  a  high  step 
who  was,  unknown  to  the  professor,  carrying  on  a  correspondei 
with  a  matrimonial  agency  widow.  The  professor's  two  daught 
found  the  letters  and  what  they  and  their  two  boy  "friends"  did 
do  to  Father  isn't  worth  telling.  One  of  the  boys  decides  he  T 
meet  the  widow  as  the  Professor  and  disgust  her  with  profess 
in  general.  The  other  boy  decides  that  he,  as  the  widow,  will  m 
the  Professor  and  disgust  him  with  widows.  They  meet — e; 
other  and  the  fun  commences.  There  are  1 1  characters  of  eq 
importance,  the  dialogue  is  snappy  and  the  action  rapid.  Th 
isn't  a  dull  moment  in  two  hours.  If  you  are  looking  for  a  play 
an  evening  of  culture,  don't  bother  with  this,  but  if  you  are  look 
for  a  farce  that  starts  with  a  bang,  rushes  its  way  through  th 
acts  and  winds  up  with  a  wallop,  by  all  means,  try  it. 

THE  CAST 

Prof.  John  Risdon,  of  Westport  College. 
Elinor  and  Beatrice,  his  daughters. 
Dick  Cunard,  his  brother-in-law. 
Emma  Blanchard,  his  sister-in-law. 
William  Merton,  his  boyhood  friend. 
„        Harold,  Merton's  son. 

Harry  Chalmers,  in  love  with  Beatrice. 

Jack  Denton,  in  love  with  Elinor. 

Fanchon  La  Vonde,  the  widow. 

Aunt  Lize,  the  autocrat  of  the  Risdon  household. 

Act      I.     Living-room  of  the  Professor's  home,  at  Westport,  n< 
New  York,  6:00  o'clock,  Friday  evening. 

Act     II.     The  same.     7:15  P.  M. 
Act  III.     The  same.     8:00  P.  M. 

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Be  An  Optimist 

By  Adam  Applebud 

The  Quintessence  of  Nonsense  in  Three  Acts.  6m.,  7w.,  all 
equally  important,  with  the  opportunity,  if  desired,  to  use  several 
"supers"  with  no  lines.  2  simple  interiors.  Adam  Applebud 
certainly  blossomed  forth  with  as  many  original  situations  and  bits 
of  business  as  a  centipede  has  pedal  extremities  when  he  wrote 
"Be  An  Optimist."  Funnier  things  happen  than  you  ever  dreamed 
of  after  a  midnight  encounter  with  a  welsh-rarebit.  For  instance, 
can  you  imagine  manufacturing  a  mummy  with  a  love-sick  swain, 
surgical  bandages  and  a  pail  of  coffee  as  the  chief  ingredients?  Also, 
why  are  shot-guns  and  baseball  bats  vital  to  the  antique  business 
to  say  nothing  of  sledge-hammers  and  tooth-brushes?  And  why 
should  Madame  Goopher,  the  trance  medium,  faint  when  she 
suddenly  discovers  she  isn't  a  liar  after  all?  Would  you  stand 
within  three  feet  of  your  best  pal  and  listen  to  him  make  love  to 
your  girl  and  hear  her  ask  him  for  a  kiss?  Our  nero  does,  and  he  is 
helpless  under  the  prevailing  circumstances.  The  property  man 
won't  be  worried  as  the  "props"  most  important  to  the  play  are 
found  in  every  home.  The  characters  are  more  assorted  than  the 
component  parts  of  boarding-house  hash,  and  they  will  keep  the 
laugh  center  in  your  medulla  working  livelier  than  a  cash  register 
in  a  bargain  basement.  Warning!  If  you  yearn  for  "Culchaw"  or 
have  a  burning  desire  to  aid  in  the  uplift  of  the  "drahma,"  don't 
open  a  copy  of  "Be  An  Optimist";  but  if  you  want  the  rafters  of 
the  old  town  hall  to  ring  with  laughter,  hop  to  it! 

THE  PEOPLE  OF  THE  PLAY  AS  YOU  MEET  THEM 

Isaac  Golditch,  antiquer,  of  the  Golditch  Art  Shop. 
Becky,  his  daughter. 

Pietro  D'Angelo  Caccialino,  expert  worm-holer. 
Jimmie  Maynard,  "the  poor  stiff." 
Mildred  Clinton,  who  is  in  love  and  likes  it. 
Mrs.  Clinton,  "why  mother-in-law  jokes  are  true." 
Mike,  just  what  his  name  suggests. 
Ray  Hudson,  a  friend  in  need,  but  scarcely  in  deed. 
Miss  Hull,  interior  decorator. 

Maggie,  not  green — for  "greenness"  wears  off,  so  call  her  stupid. 
Ethel  Peabody,  who  defies  love  to  affect  her. 
Spencer,  a  paid  guest. 
Madame  Goopher,  dispenser  of  spirits. 
Guests  at  the  Ball. 

They  Are  Seen 

During  Act  I — In  the  Golditch  Art  Shop.  Morning. 

During  Act  II — In  Mrs.  Clinton's  Home.  Afternoon. 

During  Act  III — Still  at  Mrs.  Clinton's.  The  next  evening. 

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i'o. 


rm  L9-50m-4,'61(B8994s4)444 

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You  are  certainly  lobe  congratulated  for  writing  a  play  so 
so  easy  to  present  and  at  the  same  time  so   deligh 
clever."  < 


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